Family Affairs and other matters

BACK TO SCHOOL

Two out of three children have gone back to school today. The new house remains a hopeless mess and I have decided that the only way to make progress is to change my calm, buddhist-like exterior for a mad, axe-wielding, deranged, mad woman cloak – think that ought to get desired results.

I have been on the phone all morning to my very over-exited brother all about his new girlfriend. She seemed lovely and more importantly thought my children were the nicest kids she had ever met and liked me too. Consequently I think she’s fab. She comes from a suitably dysfunctional family, including a gay father!! How cool is that?

He is still going on about how great it was that he took my advice to lunge. She was just about to snog another man and he thought it’s now or never. She’s even commented on how fortunate it was, because that opportunity would not have come up again. They had gone to a nightclub – he wasn’t allowed in because he was wearing trainers. So what he did was go round the corner and persuade a tramp to sell him his shoes for £30.00. He put his trainers back on when he got in, lunged successfully in a completely drunken manner and as they left, returned the shoes to the tramp. A win win situation all round.

BROTHER’S NEW GIRLFRIEND

Have already met my brothers new girlfriend who blames me entirely for the last 24 hours. She said “I hear this is all your fault…he lunged at me in a very uncool drunken manner” – but who cares, I thought to myself? Result anyway. It is clearly love and meant to be – they both [...]

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READERSHIP DOUBLES

I see from the viewing figures that I have recently doubled my readership numbers in India – I am now up to four! That still doesn’t account for much of a percentage of the overall population though does it…

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HOUSE PRICES

Children coming back tomorrow – hooray (ish). I’ve had a really busy week buying boring stuff for the new house and building furniture and yet they will notice very little difference. In fact they are going to be deeply disappointed. Particularly my teenage son who now can’t even get into his room because his mother [...]

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EX HUSBAND’S NEW GIRLFRIEND

I met my ex husbands girlfriend the other day. I’ve bumped into her before and said a few trite words, but this time I actually had to have a drink with her. She has keys for my ex’s house so she had simply let herself in. I don’t know who was more surprised. Obviously, the [...]

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YET MORE IKEAN DISASTERS

Yet more Ikean disasters ensue. I am cross with myself. In fact I am a complete fu*kwit. I bought a double bed for my teenage son to fit in a little alcove. Just as we were putting together the finishing touches I realised that it wasn’t going to fit. I had measured the mattress, not [...]

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THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY

I saw the preview of “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” on Sunday night with my famous friend. Jean-Dominique Bauby’s novel, dictated painstakingly and arduously with only the use of his left eye is one of my favourite books. It is passionate, moving, funny and desperately sad. I am not sure I can say the [...]

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