2007 November | Family Affairs and other matters

HOW TO SHOWER

29. November 2007

My lovely Aussie friend called me yesterday. She said she had meant to have been reading her book group book, but had read my whole blog instead. She told me she had laughed her head off and then she cried on the phone…I was touched. She had found it all quite an emotional journey. Interesting isn’t it, that when you are actually going through that journey, you just get on with it, whereas if you are on the outside looking in, it looks bloody horrendous.

She sent me another email which made me laugh. It completely highlights the difference between men and woman and I’m quite sure most of you will have seen this before, but I’m going to put it in anyway:-

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothes and place them into light and dark laundry sections.
Walk to the bathroom wearing a long dressing gown.
If you see your husband on the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your body in the mirror making a mental note to do more sit ups/squats etc.
Get in shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit and mint conditioner enhanced with 43 vitamins
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs
Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner
Get out of shower
Dry with towel the size of a small country
Wrap in super absorbent towel
Return to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
If you see your husband on the way cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes whilst sitting on edge of bed and leave in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom
If you see your wife along the way, shake your willy at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your body in the mirror.
Admire size of willy and scratch your bum.
Get in shower
Wash your face
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hand and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas.
Wash your bum, leaving those course bum hairs stuck on the soap
Wash your hair
Make a shampoo mowhawk
Wee
Rinse off and get out of shower
Partially dry off
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass your wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the Woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

“VACANT” IN CLASS

29. November 2007

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I have just come back from a parent/teacher meeting at my daughter’s school. Nightmare. You get five minutes per teacher which gave me just about enough time to work out which subject they taught. It is a bit like speed dating only much, much worse (in my opinion) because you have to talk about somebody [...]