Family Affairs and other matters

“HUMAN CENTIPEDE”

My daughter had some friends round last night to stay the night. Unbeknownst to me they watched a movie via a website that several people had told them to watch. I don’t think it’s out at the movies yet in the UK.

She has just told me about it. “We watched this really gross movie last night called Human Caterpillar” which she then proceeded to tell me all about it. It is truly the most revolting story I have ever heard – apparently a mad scientist kidnaps 3 tourists and turns them in to a human caterpillar – cutting their mouths and sewing one person’s mouth to the next person’s bottom so that only the first person eats and the rest have to get their sustenance via the next person’s anus. He keeps them like that until it all, well, goes even more wrong.

JUST REVOLTING BEYOND BELIEF. WHAT SORT OF PERSON THINKS OF AN IDEA LIKE THAT AND TURNS IT INTO A FILM?

It makes me feel sick.

Sorry. Had to tell you. Hoping that off loading will help me forget about it. Also I am having a bad mother moment as perhaps I should have somehow not let them watch it. I’m going to have nightmares and I haven’t even seen it.

“ONE DAY” BY DAVID NICHOLLS REVIEW

If I could buy this book for everybody I know, I would. Especially those about my age who were students in the 80′s. I hadn’t realised my life was such a cliche. I related to the story on so many different levels and laughed and cried in equal measure.

It is an extraordinary book, written with humour, tenderness, sharp observation and insight. This is a book that will appeal to both men and women and will no doubt make a very successful film. It charts the life of two people, Emma and Dexter over a twenty year period, writing about where they are on the same day each year.

It is beautifully written and immensely readable. Simple almost in the ease with which you want to keep on reading. David Nicholls has accomplished a rare feat – he wrote the third series of “Cold Feet” and the novel “Starter For Ten” amongst other things.

Nick Hornby will be kicking himself.

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SALOME REVIEW: RICHMOND THEATRE

I saw Salome by Oscar Wilde at The Richmond Theatre last night. Not at all what I was expecting. This was a bold new production, set in a very bleak almost post apocalyptic hell hole. A bare, raw stage with only a large sandpit, oily puddles, ladder rungs and harsh lighting from which to display the cast members. And what a beautiful bunch of bodies they were to behold. All muscular and bare torsoed in a savage and harsh landscape. Lots of blood, guts and vomiting added to the nightmare scenery. The play is directed by Jamie Lloyd who is an Associate Director of the Donmar – where given the central stage I imagine the performance would work extremely well.

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YOGA IN SCHOOLS

Yoga is definitely becoming more popular in schools – in Scotland it seems to be doing wonders for helping the children remain calm throughout the day – there is a big article about it today. Such a great idea. Kids love yoga. It’s also a wonderful thing to do across the generations – mother, daughter and grandmother for example.

This morning my 9 year old told me he was doing yoga at school. He was talking about the butterfly pose and flapping his legs about. We were in my bedroom whilst he demonstrated some of the poses. “They’re really hard though” he said, “look what you have to do in this one” and then proceeded to do some complicated contortion that didn’t really work.

Well, I like to consider myself a bit of an expert at yoga. I kept trying to correct his poses and as usual decided to show off and do a balancing exercise that I’d attempted in my friend’s yoga class a few months ago. I forgot to take into account the fact that:-
a) I’d completely forgotten how to do it
b) I can’t actually do it
c) I have no carpet in my bedroom – the floor is exposed bare floorboards.

So I bent down and wrapped my legs on top of my arms somehow and leant forward taking all the weight onto my hands and promptly crashed forward onto my face. I tried to style it out and pretend that having my face mashed on the floor and my arse in the air was EXACTLY what I meant to do but even my 9 year old looked concerned and didn’t believe me. I think I might have dislocated my jaw. It’s really sore to move and my starfish necklace virtually impaled me under my chin.

As I drove my daughter to school, I told her what I’d done. “I bet you pretended you were fine didn’t you” she laughed, “imagine if you actually did that during one of the classes that you teach. How embarrassing would that be”.

Nearly all my major injuries in life have been because I was showing off. Nasty burn to the arm from leaning too casually over a radiator at school one day and getting my arm stuck (so stuck the fire brigade were called), a broken ankle because I wanted to be the one to jump down the most stairs (7) and now a broken jaw because I wanted to prove to my son that I was really good at yoga.

I am pathetic and deserve to be in pain for being such an idiot.

PS, a friend has just reminded me that I also tore my hamstring whilst showing off playing the Cornflake Game one New Year’s Eve – you have to pick up an ever decreasingly small box of cornflakes with your teeth and can’t touch the floor with your hands.

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ORAL HYGIENE

Suddenly, I appear to have become an expert (more like ex-pert) in the dangerous arena of the dating game the second time around. I have a number of newly single friends all struggling to find their way in the maze of the largely unknown area of how to have sex with a new man after many, many years with one partner and it is not good. There are bodily hair issues, flesh issues, how many dates to wait before revealing yourself issues, texting issues, eating issues, you name it, there’s an issue about it.

I try my best to advise, but this latest problem leaves me speechless. A girlfriend has recently met a man she likes. Not too much wrong with him, but he’s making her feel rubbish AND be warned, this is not really the appropriate subject matter for a family blog. But I’m going to share it with you anyway, because she wants me to. Because she wants to know whether this is in any way acceptable behaviour:-

“I have met a lovely man (hair, own car, 10 fingers, two legs) and we have been for a couple of dates. Last night we met in town and he invited me back to his apartment. We shared some wine, and the inevitable happened. Well, except, something happened that has never happened to me before. I’ve not dated for 20 years – so maybe this is now some modern way, but well, we got intimate, or rather he got intimate with me and, well this is embarrassing now, straight after he’d finished, well, you can guess what….he ran off into the bathroom and used mouthwash?? I’ve seen him a few times since and he does the same thing every time. I feel destroyed, embarrassed and deeply humiliated. Do you think there something wrong with me?? Obviously I have fully investigated myself and bar ringing my recently divorced husband and asking outright if there is something I don’t know about myself am at a loss as to what to do??? He did come back and carry on kissing etc etc and he is a bit OCD about cleanliness (spotless flat, got detox out to wipe down kitchen surfaces after small drop of wine spilled on it) but still – is it me??? I’ve lost all my confidence and never want to see another man again!”.

Good grief. I just don’t know what to say. Doesn’t seem very romantic does it? Getting out the anti-bacterial mouthwash and killing all known germs.

My advise would be to dump him. It’s not the biggest problem in the world – we all want to know that our partners have high standards in the oral hygiene department – maybe she could just talk to him about it but in my view it’s not so much because of what he does but because of how it makes her feel. That’s a sackable offence.

Anybody else got any bright ideas if you haven’t already had to go and lie down?

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SEX EDUCATION IN SCHOOLS

My nine year old has just finished several days of sex education at his school. In my day we weren’t taught about condoms and having babies until we were 14, when the teacher stood in front of us with a shoe box full of birth control paraphernalia and with a bright red face lifted each item out one at a time with a pair of tongs.

Nine years of age seems very young to be taught the “facts of life” – although given the case at the Old Bailey yesterday that found two boys guilty of attempting to rape a girl of 8, aged 10 and 11, perhaps I am being unrealistic.

He talked me through the whole thing. “Mum, it was completely disgusting – we saw a baby coming out” and then he gave me a little personal sex show – I got a whole display of different ways to have sex – missionary position, woman on top, complete with body movements…..he was actually doing these on the pavement on the way home from school and I was thinking “what if somebody I know comes along? What am I going to say he’s doing??”.

He very proudly announced that as they were allowed to mention all the words they knew for “penis” and “vagina” he knew more words that any of the others – putting his hand up regularly to say “dick”, “cock” and “testicles”. Good grief.

“Can you believe that one boy asked what happened when your willy was too big to fit into a vagina” he told me and I had this vision of the poor teacher trying very hard to keep a straight face whilst having to explain how it all worked.

“AND mum, you never told me that I won the race!”

“What race?”

“YOU KNOW – the sperm race – most important race of my life – I got there before all the others – amazing don’t you think?”.

Well. Yes. I do actually think that was an amazing race to win.

Completely amazing.

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ONESIES FOR ADULTS – JUMPSUITS FOR ALL

For the first time ever both my teenage son AND daughter have a latest “must have” item of clothing. An all-in-one jumpsuit that has appeared at several parties recently and been swapped around between the boys and the girls. They all want to wear them to the festivals. I can see why. You could wander around in it all day and night – you wouldn’t need to take it off for any reason whatsoever (it’s got zips in all the right places), you could sleep in it, probably even fit another person in it if you wanted to, without anybody noticing.

On the (very cool) website Onepiece.co.uk it has been described as “all about chill out – enjoy a chill out garment you will love more than your mother”. Well, that’s not difficult – sometimes I think my children love dog poo more than their mother.

My son was SO desperate for one he pleaded with me to send an email asking for a sample that I could then blog about. The lovely owner of the company obliged by sending me three to try out – he told me that his dad wears his all the time for gardening – I’m not sure my children (or my friends) would ever speak to me again if I actually wore mine in public, but it was most certainly lovely quality and unbelievably comfortable to wear. They would be fantastic for long plane journey’s though – it’s just like wearing a giant BabyGro….

Here is what we looked like:-

Tinky Winky, Dipsy and Po:-

Teenagers carrying off the look with attitude:-

My youngest child wanting to join the party:-

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