Builder Bloke has just called me. He wanted to have his children on Thursday or Friday night but his ex wife has said no. During their conversation she told him that she and my ex husband have made the decision that if BB doesn’t pay her child maintenance on time my ex is going to take it out of the money he pays me.
WTF.
Surely they can’t do that? BB is essentially nothing to do with me financially. That is simply wrong.
I am a little bit stuck here. Having taken advice from my lawyer about my maintenance – via a couple of emails, I now have a bill to pay of £500 with nothing actually resolved. She advises against court. I am stuck.
August 11th, 2010 at 3:29 pm
Unbelieveable. I mean like they come from a different planet. They can’t do that – the cases are separate and should be treated as such. The money she receives is for her children, the money you receive is for your children. This could go so many ways. I did think of suggesting not to buy anything for your children and to ask their father why you can’t afford to but I realised he will just blame BB instead, which is not the point. You could also deny access, but its not worth going down that road, been there and seen it and it goes very nasty very quickly. I don’t know how you could resolve this without the courts, playing nicely DOES NOT seem to be working. Your lawyer sounds like he/she is vastly overpaid for the work that they have done. I know I should have gone into a different profession.
How about getting the CSA involved?
Good luck, Lu, these two people seem hell bent on making everyone’s lives around them as miserable as possible and its sad. x
August 11th, 2010 at 7:55 pm
Thanks Claire. I know. It’s a problem. Not sure what to do but will leave it for the moment in the hope it all goes away…… I just hope that it’s empty threats at this stage. Shame they can’t just get on with their own lives though instead of wanting to totally control ours – that’s what money does to people – nightmare. Lx
August 11th, 2010 at 4:09 pm
Hmmmmm, I take back all previous comments about keeping the upper moral and righteous hand etc etc ready : FFS that pair need a bloomin bomb shoving under their bloody swimming pool and and and FFS. Ok, rant over, time to count to 10(x10) and work out what to do!!!!!
I would call their bluff and tell them that general legal advise suggests that they can’t deduct either maintenance agreement, that they both must be treated seperately.
Is there a reason BB doesn’t pay his maintenance? Is it a reasonable reason?!
I do wonder how you manage to stay sane in all this, perhaps there is the answer, give in on the sanity front *sigh*
August 11th, 2010 at 5:53 pm
Fuckity fuckity fuck.
I can’t believe that they can legally do that, so incredibly unfair.
August 11th, 2010 at 5:58 pm
So sorry for the language, I typed before I could self censor. I have to do that a lot when I read your blog, I’m sorry that your ex is behaving, quite frankly, like a real arse.
Again, I’m sorry for the language xxx
August 11th, 2010 at 7:51 pm
Never apologise for swearing……it’s important Lx
August 11th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Can you call the ex and have him tell you that “to your face” sort of speak? I wouldn’t take anything the woman says as truth without speaking first to him. I would want to punch her straight in the face, or the neck, that would be painful. They cannot take child support issues into their own hands if there is a court order stating otherwise and he is screwing his own children if he doesn’t pay you. Divorce sucks ass.
August 12th, 2010 at 11:40 am
Yes, I think I’ll wait to the meeting we are supposed to have about the children shortly and then bring it up then. Hopefully, it’s not something he has condoned……Lx
August 11th, 2010 at 11:51 pm
Cheeky shites!!! Csa, I’d say. Good luck. They’re both such twats x
August 12th, 2010 at 1:33 am
I’m with the fuckity fuckity fuck comment – it’s the only response such behaviour deserves!
August 12th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Fuckity fuckity fuck – I like it…..it’s working well. Sort of like a mantra. Although must be careful not to say it too many times in manner of mad woman in the street. Lx
August 12th, 2010 at 2:06 am
This is ridiculous. Do you guys have a Child Support Agency over there? They can be a real pain, but they can also sort things out legally. There is no way that access and maintenance have anything to do with each other, and separate child support agreements between separate families should be treated as such.
How about legal aid? You’re probably a bit like me, not rich enough to fight legally and throw money around, but too affluent to actually qualify for any help. Don’t you just love the system.
My heart is with you, for what it’s worth. And I agree, swearing is VERY important!
August 12th, 2010 at 11:43 am
Yes, but doubt I’ll be able to do anything – he is paying me everything he should vis a vis the children – just doesn’t want to pay my maintenance – really really want to earn enough to be able to say I don’t want your money anymore. Lx
August 12th, 2010 at 6:39 am
How can he think that is a reasonable way to behave??!!
August 12th, 2010 at 10:39 am
this is all wrong. morally, legally, socially rant rant rant.
agree with charlaine that you should check with the ex that its not just her making this up.
agree with charlaine that they cannot just be a law unto themselves (and neither can you and neither can BB).
agree with kelloggsville that you should let ex know that all legal advice shows that the two sets of maintenance should be treated separately as they are for different children and you and BB have no formal legal relationship.
i would add that could encourage BB to pay on time, no matter the circumstances. its horrible for you when the ex withholds, its probably horrible for her too (even if she has a pool). be careful with this part though! i can’t help but thinking that the only purpose of this manoeuvre of hers, surely, is to drive a big fat wedge, made of money, between you and BB?
is your legal advisor looking at things from the perspective of a) you making as much maintenance as possible, or b) you getting financial security? if your circumstances (and his) have changed so much since the original settlement that he does in fact have a point and you should perhaps be receiving less then this issue is just going to raise its head over and over then you need to decide for yourself which you want most. personally i’d go for the security of a regular payment, over a larger payment that is constantly held over my head to manipulate me.
sorry for unsolicited advice/comments above, especially if they’re very wide of the mark. its hard to know when we don’t know the details of the situation (which rightly, we dont). you poor thing. i hope you are well practiced in the art of meditation or punching things.
August 12th, 2010 at 11:39 am
Brief bit of meditation followed by punching something works beautifully. Unsolicited advice most welcome thanks. Apparently, whilst his situation has dramatically changed, mine has not so I gather the courts will say that it was up to him to get married and take on more responsibility and that it shouldn’t effect my maintenance in the slightest. However, I did get a good settlement just before the global meltdown and have made it clear to my ex that I am happy to reconsider his payments – I just need to have a proper financial disclosure first in order to agree the details.
Also, yes, it must be a nightmare for her when BB unable to pay. Being a builder, he either has some money or he hasn’t. If he hasn’t got any he simply can’t pay. It’s not good for anyone I agree, but my ex husband is in an entirely different league earnings wise and it is important to not compare the two (if possible, which they are clearly finding impossible to do). Lx