I’m pretty sure that if somebody wants to stop paying you maintenance, they can’t just do it without having a written agreement – can they? I guess you can both come to a solution and subsequent arrangement on your own, but the financial settlement that was agreed with my ex husband was settled via lawyers and stamped by a court so presumably we both have to agree to the change before it happens OR go back to court.
Last night It was time for me to pick up my quarterly payment cheque again. This is a constant problem, but I have not done anything about it because actually I have got a good settlement and so if I have to go and pick it up at 10pm at night it’s not the end of the world. However, what goes hand in hand with the picking up of the cheque is the same old quarterly argument. It started by him saying that his circumstances had changed and that I’d had 3 years of a good arrangement and now it was time for me to get a full time job. His situation is about to change massively and he clearly wants to reduce his outgoings. So now my teeny little job as a part-time exercise instructor isn’t going to be quite enough. I am worried again about finances, but what I have to remember is that he threatens to stop paying me every single time I go and collect a cheque and then I fret about it for ages and actually it would be so much better to avoid those meetings altogether OR maybe I should just hurry up and find myself a proper job so that I can avoid any more tension. Anybody want to employ me?
His house smelt of paint and there were boxes everywhere. He’s moving out next week and into his new house with his wife to be and her children. He’s going to be a lot further away. It’s going to change everything regarding how the children get to see him . Actually it felt very strange. In a way it was just as well that our situation is so unusual and that he’s so angry with me and my ex boyfriend because otherwise I would have been feeling really sad about it – it’s most certainly the end of an era. As those boxes get packed up, the lid will be closed and sealed on any last remaining vestige of our life together. He is literally moving on. I told him that I hoped his move would be a happy one and that he had a calm and peaceful and happy life with someone he loves. I’m slightly worried that living two roads away from Builder Bloke is going to make that pretty difficult….but I suppose that is no longer my concern.
I’m exhausted. Our meeting, as usual went from stressy financial conversation to stressy “why did you waste two years with that Builder Bloke arsehole” type conversation. I pointed out that he was about to start living with “that arsehole’s” three children any minute and that he was going to have to find a way to deal with him. We then successfully managed to negotiate ourselves back to the reason our marriage broke down and I did my usual “you had an affair” stuff and he did his usual “but you drove me away by saying things like you wouldn’t be with me if it wasn’t for the children” and whilst I certainly don’t recall saying that I pointed out that if married couples rushed off to shag somebody else everytime somebody said something horrid in the heat of the moment then David Cameron would need more than a tax break to encourage people to stay married.
It is so sad that after all this time we really have not progressed very far with moving on to a better relationship. We did have it a bit in the middle there, before BB and his ex appeared on the scene and everything went wrong. The anger is now there because of the Builder Bloke situation. At one point he said “according to BB – divorcing me was the best thing you ever did” and I sat there with my mouth open (pouring wine in). Not only do I find it astonishing that BB’s ex wife feels the need to tell him things like that even if it were true, but it isn’t true. I don’t think that. Sometimes I’d like to draw his attention to some of my blog archive posts and see some of the things that I’ve written in the past about the demise of our marriage.
I was going to write a post on “How To Survive Divorce” today, but I think I might leave it because it is quite clear that I’m not doing a very good job.
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:58 am
My dad did. Just stopped paying.
Makes them look bad when you take them back to court though.
Personally I think money invested in legal advice at this stage is well spent. If it looks like him going back to court could see a lowing of his payments then forewarned is forearmed.
Why children are supposed to get cheaper in their tweens and teens is beyond me, I could keep Son of Thor happy with some off cuts of wood and few nails at this point. Not so sure it will be as light on the wallet in five years time.
My memories are vague and from a long time ago but I do remember something about his circs changing by getting himself a new family was not supposed to be used as a reason to downgrade his support of his original family.
Get thee to a legal eagle my love. Quick sharp.
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:31 am
Few. Just keep doing what you’re doing in being a good mother. He may wriggle and squirm but he is their father (and jolly lucky to be) and that’s his responsibility.
Chin up – I’m off to have a drink for you!
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:24 pm
boy oh boy. Fingers crossed it doesn’t come to courts and all that. But with him moving further away can he not just post the stinking cheque now and avoid these arguments?
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:16 pm
So you don’t do the maintenance through the csa? I couldn’t trust me ex without it unfortunately. Payments will go down though now he’s had 2nd kid with wife. Quite relieved, have to say, that you don’t feel you’ve progressed to a better relationship with your ex. Sometimes I think I’m the only one! I wonder if my getting a boyfriend will upset the apple cart further…hope not! Like Mud says, just keep doing what you’re doing x
March 3rd, 2010 at 4:03 pm
No. If the financial arrangements of the divorce are subject of a court order ie. the rubber stamp of the divorce court, Ex must pay up! Why do you go cap in hand to his house for a cheque? Ask for a standing order. A new marriage is not grounds for a change in the agreement. I hope the settlement is on the children and not you, as the children have a much stronger position than you and a court would be highly unlikely to vary an agreement which affected the children. Quirk of British law i’m afraid.
If in doubt, invest in the best Solicitor you can find!
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:54 pm
Thanks Jon, well the settlement is on both the kids and me. Cheque scenario has gone on for the entire time and it’s a control thing I guess…..really bad. I know. Everyone says I should get it sorted but not really much I can do and at least he’s giving it to me still. Lx
March 3rd, 2010 at 4:56 pm
How awful it all sounds. Small consolation, I’m sure, but it sure doesn’t sound like he’s moved on – at least not enough to be taking the ginormous step that he’s taking. How can you be ready for the new when you’re still carrying such anger about the old?
I agree on the legal advice. Whatever you learn, you can prepare for your future.
March 3rd, 2010 at 6:41 pm
I actually shouldn’t write anything, but of course I will! I was divorced in France, so obviously the laws are different – however the Frogs take maintenance payments seriously and X’s can land up in jail if they don’t pay …
Having to beg for your cheque is definitely NOT on so I think you should go back to your solicitor and explain that the situation is humiliating and that you want a standing order from the X (good for your credit rating too!) and if you are worried he won’t pay up then arrange to have your maintenance taken out of his salary – I think a magistrate can organise this.
Don’t worry about not being ‘good’ at divorce – none of us are – it is a shit thing to go through, BUT eventually things do calm down as most people realise that they cannot continue vendettas for ever.
March 3rd, 2010 at 6:59 pm
I have already spoken to my lawyer and she doesn’t think it’s very easy to get out of the cheque scenario if that’s the way he chooses to pay me. Lx
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:36 pm
A cheque sounds so ridiculous and difficult, I cannot understand why it should be so difficult for someone to support their children…and their ex wife who THEY cheated on. I’m sorry it’s so tough.
Your ex really has a problem with BB doesn’t he- is he hung up about the fact that you dated him? Jealous maybe?
I only blog about SOME of the crap going on in my life at the moment…it all sounds so unreal that I sometimes wonder if people think I’m writing a fictional novel.
Only today I was telling friends that when I last went to court the judge (female) was laughing saying that “we all know orders aren’t enforceable” What??? And fancy saying that in front of HIM. My husband,v soon to be ex,doesn’t pay anywhere near what has been ordered,apparently he has rights!!! He’s given me less than his rent this month…I have a huge house, acres of land,bills to pay & 5 children to feed- we need to move very soon but I have just had to agree to him getting decree absolute without any financial settlement sorted. I have no money left to fight this, so he wins!! Sorry don’t mean to keep ranting on here…finding it hard to write on my blog at the moment, just too much going on and far too painful. :0(
Take care. xx
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:47 pm
Oh no poor you – can’t you go to mediation and get it sorted pre DA as not great if you’re comletely divorced without a formal agreement i wouldn’t have thought Lx
March 4th, 2010 at 12:53 am
Oh that’s all bollocks !! I think you are doing fab x.x.x.
March 4th, 2010 at 4:40 am
It’s not you that isn’t good at divorce, it’s him. Grit your teeth and stand up to him. From behind a lawyer. xx
March 5th, 2010 at 7:50 am
l could do with some guidance actually.will emial you
saz x
January 20th, 2012 at 10:10 am
Where can I find a lawyer to help me with my UK citizenship application?
January 20th, 2012 at 10:20 am
Really sorry, I don’t know Lx