My soon-to-be-travelling-to-the-end-of-the-world son is sitting behind me filling in a Visa application to Cambodia (and farting). He is off to various embassies today and to get his Japanese Encephalitis jab (I still don’t know what that is but it better be worth it because it’s costing me somewhere in the region of £78 and that’s on top of £150 for a rabies jab…).

I’ve been relatively calm up until now, because of course it’s a good thing that he’s off to spread his wings a little. Flee the nest for a minute. I know SEA really well – I couldn’t love it more. I have never felt safer. However putting myself into the mind and body of a 19 year old boy with 6 mates is an entirely different matter. Their brains function differently. They’re not sensible. Now that I’m getting a little more involved in the detail I’ve noticed my stress levels rising. My friends aren’t helping – mothers of two other boys who are going with him – they are not only far more hands on than me but are beginning to freaking me out about things like losing visas and border controls.

Here is an email my friend sent me yesterday:-

“After being very laid back about their forthcoming trip – am now feeling completely sick about the whole thing!! Was online last night checking he’d got the right info re visas etc and went on a few sites about safety, crime rates, healthcare, emergency services or lack of them!! Also read a few students real life experiences and freaked myself out. Anyway obviously haven’t slept a wink and now becoming completely paranoid so Catholic priest booked in for major blessing plus have asked a girl who has recently come back from travelling to meet up with them to chat about her experiences of travelling through Asia. She’s back from uni for a few days so thought it might be a good idea to get the boys together with her for a drink. I know my son won’t be impressed that I’m now interfering but his whole approach so far seems very naive and vague. Nowhere in Asia seems particularly great for blonde English teenage youths but Cambodia – well certain parts – sounds really scary.

Sorry don’t want to make you nervous and I’m sure they’ll be fine but I think the reality of them being away for a long period of time in strange lands is just hitting home!”

My response:-

FFS – the bloody rubber ring thing in Laos!! Shall we just follow them in disguise? I think I can get my mother to come for 4 months. Should be fine. Would be good to get together. Maybe we could also find somebody who looks awful who spent some time in a Thai prison to come to the pub for a drink too? Just to put them off? Know anyone?

Hers:-

Yes any deterrent is a good idea – this weekend I’m planning to run continuous showings of Apocalypse Now, The Deerhunter and The King of Siam – that should be enough to put anyone off!! Be good to meet up soon.

Mine:-

“Don’t forget “Midnight Express” – that’s the best one!! Must order it on Amazon now.

Anyway. You see how easy it is to whip yourself up into a frenzy of total panic. At this rate I’ll be at the airport refusing to let go of his leg and shouting at all the security men to stop him.

I wonder if this is because he’s my firstborn and it’s all new. Another phase in his life that I want to be involved in, take an interest in. Like all the 85,000 photos I took of him when he was born, started crawling, walking, swimming, going to school – as if he was the first child to ever do all that stuff. Isn’t it incredible how much information you can absorb at each stage – I was so knowledgeable on breast Vs bottle feeding and prams and primary schools and contagious water born diseases you can catch in swimming pools. I’ve got notes on his growth, his first words, I’ve even got a little box of his teeth. Surprised I haven’t got test tubes full of poo samples to be honest.

I wonder how much that level of focus from a parent affects the child long term and whether it’s therefore a good or bad thing that my third child is going to have an entirely different experience. He is at the opposite end of the spectrum and is convinced that there isn’t one photo of him growing up and to be honest, although I try to convince him otherwise, I haven’t found it yet. I have no memory of his first words, no photo album of his first year, no little umbilical cord clips (yuk) and no box of teeny weeny teeth. In fact, I am ashamed to admit that once, when I managed to lose his tooth before it went under his pillow for the tooth fairy I “borrowed” one from my little box that belonged to his older brother – but it was a little brittle and the wrong colour and he wasn’t really convinced.

Does this mean I’ll be far more chilled when it comes to his travels? Maybe I won’t even notice he’s gone….Unlikely. He’s my last child. He gets just the same amount of love from me, but in a different way. Must ask him about it all though and maybe try harder in future – wonder if he will want me to come with him to the hairdressers and save some locks of hair and other such stuff….

Here’s a picture of the winning prize:-

I was going to ask you to send in your child’s drawing of a louse but actually they’re not going to be that bothered about the prize because it’s not more for parents than kids – so instead, perhaps you could just let me know how many legs a head louse has and leave it at that. If you’ve got any funny head lice stories then even better – it’s not a particularly attractive subject is and I’m trying to make this post a little more sexy – it’s not really working.

If anybody reading this is considering sending me a Valentine’s card because I’m newly single then just to confirm, I don’t actually have lice (and neither do my children – although yes, I do have children. Lots of them) I’m just doing a competition.

If you don’t know what head lice and/or nits are then you will find all you need here on the Vosene nit knowledge site for all your nitting needs:-

http://www.vosenekids.co.uk/headlice-knowledge/

Thankfully my oldest son has finished his exams now so that’s one less stress to worry about. Instead, I am swiftly moving on to mild hysteria about his upcoming “Gap year” travel plans. My friend came round today – she’s being much more hands on about sorting out visas and vaccinations and routes and stuff and saying things like “when are you going to the Thai Embassy and make sure you scan copies of the visas so that if they lose or get everything nicked they can still print out new copies from abroad”. I have done very little on the basis that he is now an adult and needs to sort it all out for himself, but, I’m not sure that is the right approach.

He appears to be basing half his trip on an adventure he’s heard about near Laos – “mum, it’s this really cool thing you can do which involves like getting into rubber rings and floating down a river and stopping off at loads of bars and drinking and then like moving down river to the next one and it’s like meant to be really amazing fun”.

I didn’t give it much thought apart from have a pang of jealousy, until I spoke to my friend in Australia who suddenly said “by the way, make sure that he doesn’t do that rubber ring thing that involves drinking in numerous bars on the way down a river because loads of people are dying and there’s a big thing all about it here – the alcohol they serve in the bars is massively potent and they get so pissed they drown”.

Shit.

So now what? Suggesting he doesn’t bother with that adventure isn’t going to make the slightest bit of difference I’m sure.

Sometimes being a single parent is ridiculously hard. Trying to manage the balance between being a concerned mother and a disciplinarian very often doesn’t really work. You sort of get wrong on every level. Half the time when I try and talk to them they either roll their eyes or fall about laughing. Of course I will tell him not to do it – but will it work? Unlikely. They are invincible at that age remember. Perhaps, when he leaves next month, rather than ask for regular updates or follow his journey via Facebook I might be better to totally pretend he doesn’t exist and hope for the best.

Like that’s going to work.

My Google search is full of things like “weather in Chiang Mai” and “the Great Barrier Reef hostels”. How do you get on with your life when you have a child out in the big wide world? I can’t bear the thought of him being away for FOUR MONTHS. Any advice on that subject will be most gratefully received.

Maybe I should go with him.

In addition I have many man jobs to do in my house. I don’t mean to be sexist – it’s just that I’m useless at putting up shelves and bleeding radiators. I can’t even get the bulb out of my bedside lamp so I have the whole thing sitting by the front door to take to the shop – I need to get a new bulb and ask them to take the old one out – it’s just that I’m a bit too embarrassed to ask.

My “man drawer” has grown over the years. I now have a tool box with a hammer I’ve never used and several spanners. There was a torch in it recently but one of the children has stolen it and there are also lots of nails but I don’t know where I would bang them in.

It’s hopeless.

Valentine’s Day is coming up and the children are all beginning to show signs of planning. I however am going to go into a massive sulk about not having anyone to buy anything for. Perhaps I should start thinking about posting anonymous cards to people I admire….it’s just that I can’t think of anyone at the moment. Except maybe Johnny Depp who I understand is recently separated. But that won’t work. He’ll be traumatised for at least the next 10 years.

My daughter has finished her mocks and is now planning her holidays post GCSE’s. These too are causing havoc with my mind. All that “WHY can’t I do this or that? You clearly don’t trust me at all” stuff. It’s so exhausting. When I was 16 I wasn’t allowed out past 10pm at weekends or even have friends round. This of course resulted in any bad behaviour being conducted elsewhere. So I know the drill. It’s better to keep them close. Know what they’re up to. But they’re all growing up WAY too fast.

Consequently I think it might be best if I and my youngest child move shortly to a monastery.

I can no longer cope.

Anybody know a good monastery that takes children? (and lets me drink and speak and buy shoes from time to time but not necessarily in that order).

I can’t believe how expensive it is to send him on his way – of course I’m not paying for his ticket or for accommodation (yet, until he runs out of money) but the vaccinations. Good grief. Rabies for example costs about £120 – I held out for a few days thinking “who gets rabies jabs? My parents never bought me one of those. What is the likelihood of him getting bitten by a frothy mouthed bat? But then thoughts of vast needles into stomachs got the better of me and I succumbed. It only actually buys you 48 hours to get treatment rather than 24 and hopefully lessens the need for stomach injections, but still. Now though he says he needs to be vaccinated against “Japanese Encephalitis” – WTF is that??? Apart from being another very expensive injection I have never heard of it. Wondering if these boys are on to an impressive scam. “Mum, can I have £150 cash to pay the nurse for my “Cambodian Hydrocephalogogus” jab please?

My daughter has finished her mock GCSE’s today as well. THANK GOD again. She was massively stressed and really indignant that the house wasn’t filled with enough Custard Creams and cups of tea for her liking.

Perhaps things will calm down a little now. I ran this morning from massively stressed house with everyone ranting and raving to the studio where I teach and attempted to pretend that I was the voice of calm reason. It must have worked (or I am just really boring) because for the first time ever somebody actually fell asleep on their mat. I had to wake her up!

Here is what they say:-

The funding which was previously provided to universities has been drastically reduced by the Government. In the past the majority of the cost was covered by the taxpayer, even if we didn’t ever attend university. The new government policy has decided to shift this cost onto each student who benefits from this level of education.

A few quick facts…

Some universities will charge £9000 per year
Many world-class universities will, from September, be charging £9000/year in tuition fees in order to continue to deliver the highest possible standard of education.

There is no upfront payment
As a graduate, your child will now only begin to pay when they earn £21,000 or over a year (£6000 higher than in previous years) and the monthly installments are much less. However if you want to pay the lot up front, you can.

The payments are based on what your child earns when they graduate
Graduates repay back 9% of their pre-tax annual earnings above £21,000 salary – although this may sound like a large sum, it’s important to remember that your child will actually have more money to play with when they graduate, than current graduates.

What financial support will there be available?
There is a wide range of financial support offered for those wanting to go into higher education. This falls into two main categories: government support and direct money from universities and the amounts available often depend on household income.

Should it be my responsibility, as a parent, to fund my child’s higher education?
You need to decide whether paying for it really is your responsibility as a parent. As tough as this sounds, this revised system has been set up in order for the cost to be met by the beneficiary of the education – your pride and joy! When this is referred to as a ‘loan’ many parents feel guilty and become desperate to avoid their child getting into this debt, even though they may not need to repay it. Yet if we’d called this system a “graduate tax” (as it is simply an addition to the tax they have to pay as a working adult), would you still feel compelled to prevent your child paying a higher tax rate? Of course there is a balance to be had but it’s worth thinking this through to judge your own reaction, and perhaps ask your friends what they plan on doing.

You can find out how much your child will need to pay when they graduate on this website: www.studentfinancecalc.com

Overall, the changes have put a minor bump in the road, however by taking the time to understand and explain these changes to your child, it will ensure that they go head first into higher education and enjoy every minute of it!

“At 3 years we say, ”Mummy I love you.”

At 14 years we say, ”Mum, whatever.”

16 years we say, “My mum is so annoying!”

At 18 years we say, “I’m leaving this house.”

At 21 years we say ”Mum, you were right”.

At 30 years we say “‘I want to go to Mum’s house.”

At 50 years we say ”I don’t want to lose my mum.”

At 70 years we say “I would give up everything to have my mum here with me.”

You only have one mum. BC this on if you. appreciate your mum, whether on Earth, or
in Heaven.

If You Dnt Bc This Your Heartless”

How sweet is that?

ps – what’s BC?

pps – daren’t ask my son if he ‘bc’d’ (blind copied? Surely they don’t do that at their age?) it to all his mates….

ANYWAY. BACK TO THE POINT.

I have my annual advice for those of you considering this daunting prospect. It’s Blue Monday week – the most depressing time of the year so here are some pointers to help you on your way:-

HOW TO SURVIVE DIVORCE (hopefully)

1. Your friends (and family if you’re lucky) will get you through it more than you will ever know. Don’t ever take them for granted but make sure you surround yourself with them wherever possible. They will be there with you on your long journey back out of the black hole.

2. Be prepared. You are in for a long hard slog. Get a good lawyer. Rumour has it that it takes half the time you were married to begin to get over your marriage. If that is too awful a prospect then bank on it taking AT LEAST four years. The first year is almost better than the next one because you will no doubt be a little unhinged and angry in the first year – so try not to behave too irrationally. The second year can be your reality check and it’s all highly depressing because not only are things just as hard but you’re exhausted from Year One. If you’re lucky, by Year Three the drama has died down a bit and hopefully by year 4 you are able to see the wood for the trees and can finally start reassessing your life.

3. In the early days make sure you get out of bed every day. Sometimes your body feels so heavy it won’t move. It would have been so much easier to curl up into a ball, ignore the kids and have a quiet nervous breakdown in a corner somewhere. But it doesn’t work like that. You have to “face the dragon”. Deal with the shit. Go to the meetings. Brush your hair. Remember to eat. Remember to breathe. Pick your kids up from school. Put your make-up on. Fill out that complicated form. Go to that party on your own. Do the stuff you dread. You have to. It will make you stronger and consequently it will all get easier. You will do most of it on automatic pilot and then be amazed with yourself that you got through it. I managed to learn how to be a fitness instructor on autopilot, during my most traumatised time. It saved me from myself.

4. Be kind to yourself. My old school friend wrote to me at the beginning of the whole process. She told me to do just that. To treat myself as if I was going on a date with myself (which frankly had no appeal whatsoever – I hated my own company – thankfully she invited herself along on most occasions which helped hugely). Have a massage, or go to an exhibition or a film on your own.  Put yourself higher up your list of priorities.  Sometimes it pays to be selfish.  Try not to feel sad that you have no one to do things with or to buy you presents, buy yourself some stuff. Treat yourself to things. It’s important. Do the things that give you pleasure and forget the rest. Go on a cooking course, a knitting course, ride wolves, sail, play poker, write a book. Whatever. It. Takes.  Buy a big comfortable bed and spread out in it by yourself.  Learn to enjoy the solitude for a minute.

5. Cut the crap. Don’t go to everything. Do some sifting. Do the stuff that makes you happy for whatever reason. Let go of the social events that no longer work for you and of the friends that take more than they give. Drop the stuff that’s taking up too much time and getting you nowhere.

6. Most importantly keep your sense of humour. You will find that different friends are there at different times and for different reasons. Some can take you out and make you laugh and push you in at the deep end of your new scary life. Others are there for when you find your feet again and want some semblance of normality. It won’t always be funny, but there is always a funny side to be found. A different perspective to look at.

Sometimes, when you look at what is going on in the rest of the world and what other people are going through, having the time and space to mourn for your marriage is almost an indulgence. I am still a very lucky person who has three lovely children and a roof over my head and lots of fantastic friends and lots of lovely stuff to do and, and, and, and another year has gone by in a flash. It’s cold in London at the moment but maybe just try to remember that “in the kingdom of hope there is no winter”.

But guess what? IT HASN’T HELPED. He’s going anyway. Which is brilliant. Obviously. I did it – not a gap year, I wasn’t allowed, but travelled to China, Thailand, the Far East in general with friends. Nothing better.

He’s booked his ticket. How exciting. I haven’t succeeded in getting him to do anything particularly worthy. I kept suggesting projects and he mostly looked at me with horror. I showed him lots of advise about how helpful it is for his CV if he does things. I have even been sent some very informative notes by Amy Gray and Claire Brooke from the University of Sheffield’s Career Service who offer some top tips as to how your child can make the most out of their gap year and university holidays, and give their CV a real boost!

Very useful and I thought I’d share them with you because they will no doubt help someone else – mostly the advice is relevant to their time during uni but the advice still applies to before:-

“Don’t let them waste this time – although the temptation will be there to spend 3 months on ‘vacation’, encourage them to use it to develop, enhance and improve the content of their CV

Help to set up some work shadowing for them – this will give your child greater awareness of potential careers that interest them. Options are to go down the formal route, such as an “insight scheme” or by asking around to see if they can shadow one of your friends if it’s of interest

Encourage them to research internships and placements – the majority of placements take place in the second year of study but it’s a good idea to get ahead of the game as they are increasingly competitive

Volunteering is always a highly effective use of their time – it doesn’t have to relate to their degree or future career but it helps to develop transferable skills such as time management skills, communication and team work

Encourage them to go along to an insight day or week – large companies (especially in the finance and law sectors) offer these typically during the Easter and summer vacation periods. As you would expect, they will offer your child insight into working life for a particular sector or company and will help them to meet with key individuals

Once at uni a summer internship is highly recommended:
They are usually structured, project based work experience placements within larger firms, however increasingly smaller businesses are realising their potential
Often open to students from any degree discipline although they are highly competitive, and the application process, although challenging, is fantastic experience for later life
They tend to be offered to students between their penultimate and final year, and are used by employers to get to know students who they will consider for graduate jobs
They are seen as a vital stepping stone for many within this crowded market!

Teenage son got a black eye and busy revising.

Daughter majorly stressed and doing mock GCSE’s.

Youngest son. Busy. Social life picking up.

Kitten. A nightmare. Climbing up everyone’s legs and perching on shoulder. Lovely but hard work.

Work. Challenging. I’m doing a new course.

Life.

I don’t know why I am remotely surprised then that his plans to travel round half the world next month are not exactly coming together. I mean I’m certainly not going to get an itinerary, let alone an address. At least he’s busy earning the money to support his adventure – working in a pub and coaching football at his old school which is great, but I don’t see any signs of digging wells or teaching English or even shearing sheep looking very likely at this late stage. Just a lot of him randomly mentioning another country – “maybe we’ll go to Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia and then back to Malaysia but I’m meeting some mates in Chiang Mai and then we’ll….” honestly it’s like they’re getting on a bus to go to central London – how will they meet their mates? Where will they stay? The main default setting for the group appears to be about making sure they are in the right place at the right time for The “Full Moon Party” in Thailand (and I suspect that it’s title is more to do with exposing ones buttocks to everyone rather than the natural satellite of the earth).

He’s meant to be off to Australia next month and there are a few friends of mine that I’m sure he can stay with (for a few nights) but I can’t get him to email anybody in advance to find out what dates would be appropriate to visit or indeed if they are even going to be in the country. My suggestion that it would be a teeny bit rude to just appear on the other side of the world is falling on deaf ears. “Don’t worry mum, it’ll be fine….” is not very reassuring – last time I heard that he ended up in a Polish prison. I guess, (as it was with the two Aussie teenagers that recently stayed with me) it will be ultimately down to the parents to do the organising.

Anyway, he’s got retakes coming up very soon now so it’s better if he’s not too focused on the next far more exciting stage of his year. I note that instead of past papers and revision timetables being looked at on Google there are the beginnings of some mobilisation to the cause. The thing is that secretly these teenagers are clever and know that if they leave it long enough somebody else might do the work for them. They are entirely capable in every way when they want to be. Here are the first stirrings of his Gap Year planning taken from my Google history:-

Claiming back your tax when on a gap year
Applying for an Australia visa from the UK (god, watch out Aussie friends – leave the country before it’s too late)
STA travel
Cheap flights from Australia to Asia
Convert Australian dollars to GB
Quantas airlines
Cheap beers in Asia (I made that one up but I’m surprised it’s not there).