I know that coping with a stepmother is meant to be all about the children, but how do I cope with managing a relationship with their new stepmother??
In the “Sunday Telegraph” yesterday was an article about Danielle Lineker and her role as a stepmother. It looked at the negative popular culture view of the stepmother who since ancient times has been our favourite hate figure:- “Better a serpent than a stepmother” said Euripedes and how Danielle and a host of others are finding that it works best to be their stepchildren’s friend rather than their surrogate parent.
It looked at ways to get it right. How to create a life-long bond with a step child and the key appeared to be the co-operation from the child’s real parents and mainly about how getting the support of the real mother is essential.
I am quite sure that it would be in my children’s best interests for me to have a good relationship with their new stepmother, but does that really mean that I have to be involved? Our situation is a little more complex than most.
I got my second text from my X’s new wife today. I won’t bore you with the details – she mainly chose to tell me about Builder Bloke’s flaws, however the main point was that she wants to meet me to discuss the “truth”.
I really don’t think I’m ready to do that. My relationship with my X has nose-dived in the last few months and Builder Bloke thinks that meeting her is the worst idea in the world.
My aim, as ever is to do what is best for my children. I will meet her if I think we can develop a working relationship that helps them, however, to say that I am a little reluctant to put myself in the firing line again is an understatement. The last time I met her was when she inadvertently acquired my X’s number from me and now they are married.
HELP!!
Does anybody out there have any experience of this sort of situation? Does it really help the kids if we get on or would it be just as clear cut and simple if we had no contact whatsoever?
I did reply because I think it would have been rude not to, telling her that I was happy to meet after their honeymoon, once my X and I had resolved our financial dispute. BUT I DON’T WANT TO.
Yet.
July 20th, 2010 at 1:02 am
Seriously, DON’T ENGAGE WITH HER.
Your relationship with BB has nothing to do with her.
Her relationship with your kids has nothing to do with you. Even though you have to deal with the consequences. Divorce sucks.
She’s proven to be a manipulator, please don’t give her anymore power. Even if you know everything she says are lies, the seeds of doubt are planted and that’s her main aim here in my opinion.
You’d think she’d have enough to occupy her, she’s just gotten married for god’s sake! Live your own life and leave our girl alone!
July 20th, 2010 at 8:35 am
Thanks Deb, but Isn’t that interesting though – I’ve only had two responses so far (both of you have been blog friends for almost as long as I’ve been blogging) and your opinions couldn’t be more different……you both have had divorce experiences as children – Claire is a lot younger though – I wonder if that makes a difference.
Hmmm.
I sort of agree (because it’s the easiest option) that my relationships with BB and my kids isn’t anything to do with anyone else anymore and even if we were all in contact we’d all still be dealing with fallout here and there. I certainly don’t want to be manipulated.
July 20th, 2010 at 7:02 am
It would help the kids if you all could be civil to each other, but that doesn’t look too possible. Even if one of you wants to be civil, then someone else doesn’t seem to. She obviously wants to meet, you could humour her, but then you never know if what you say will be twisted when it’s repeated back to, say, your ex or BB. On the otherhand, if you don’t meet as she wishes then you risk her calling you difficult, rude and uncivil and giving her an excuse to make things unpleasant? One solution could be to all sit together, this way everyone gets to hear what everyone says without people saying things behind other people’s backs – besides if you can’t say something to someones face, then you shouldn’t be saying it at all.
Its a tricky one. But, at least I think you were right to say that you should meet after you and your ex have sorted out the financial dispute – it will only deteriorate if that is still hanging over you. I still can’t believe they are still sticking the knife in and twisting it – shouldn’t they be concentrating on their new marriage, instead of making everyone elses lives miserable?
Wrt to her and BB’s kids – just be friendly, but don’t offer advice, it could turn against you.
July 20th, 2010 at 8:30 am
There is NO WAY I’d get BB in a room with his ex – let alone my ex. It just wouldn’t work at all. He’d behave very badly. Just to wind everybody up. I’m not sure what it would achieve either as we’d all be trying to be right – I don’t think we’d get past point 1 on the agenda. Lx
July 20th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
True, but you shouldn’t meet with her on a one on one – that has potential to get way too nasty. Just leave it then. Tell her you don’t want to meet, you’ve heard enough and that you are old enough to find out all the “truths” about BB in your own good time, and anyway, doesn’t everyone deserve to try and forget some of the sh*ttier things they may have done, been or said in the past?
Not good situation though, it seems you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t, wrt communicating with her and your ex!
July 20th, 2010 at 8:20 pm
I know. Clearly can’t win either way. So just need to do what feels right and at the moment it feels right to try and create some distance! Thanks for your advice though, I really do appreciate it. Lx
July 20th, 2010 at 9:28 am
Well done on saying you wouldn’t meet until the financial situation is sorted!
perhaps there’s a middle road somewhere? Could you agree that you can meet but only if its to discuss how to deal with arrangements around the children and tell her in advance that if she wants to discuss her past relationship (financial or other) with BB or yours with your Ex, you will leave.
Or could you say that its just too difficult to meet in person, that you don’t want to say things that you would later regret but that you are happy to have a correspondence with her? That way you both can say exactly what you need to, its in writing and there’s much less room for manipulation and he said/she said.
July 20th, 2010 at 11:20 am
I’m not sure it would be wise to put everything down on paper to be honest – my correspondence with my X can rapidly disintegrate and hers with BB’s is even worse. I think saying after the financial stuff gets sorted has bought me all manner of time!! Lx
July 20th, 2010 at 9:37 am
I find it sad and distressing that she is still so obsessed with her X. Perhaps you should tell her starting a marriage with one foot still in the old one seems a bit destructive. But she won’t listen to you (was she the one your X had an affair with?). In my opinion if you decide to meet with her, who you are dating has bugger all to do with her. Keep the discussion around your kids and the healthy relationship you want all of you to have – and how to do it.
July 20th, 2010 at 11:18 am
I know it’s weird and I would have to make it very clear that I do not want to discuss BB and what she thinks of him – I don’t actually believe that will be possible mind you Lx
July 20th, 2010 at 9:58 am
My experience of being a stepmother was a bit easier than most. My husband’s ex wife was a loony and still is to some degree but she, very early on, realised that I wasn’t there to try and mother her daughter or cause any trouble. I wanted the best for my stepdaughter and treated her, as much as possible, as I would my own children. I didn’t want her to feel uneasy about the relationship between her parents. It’s hard enough living between two homes.
Because I turned up 5 years after they’s broken up I wasn’t a threat and although over the past ten years we’ve all had our ups and downs, but the ex and I have always been civil, for my stepdaughters sake.
If the ex wanted me to do something or needed us to know something she often came to me rather than my husband because he is rubbish at retaining any information to do with dates etc!
It doesn’t sound like BB’s ex wants to do anything other than cause trouble. It certainly doesn’t sound like she wants to discuss the children, she just wants to stir her big wooden spoon.
I think maybe the situation needs time?
July 20th, 2010 at 11:11 am
Thanks Laura – time it is then……will maybe consider it down the line but I feel trying to all be best friends at this point would be ridiculous. Lx
July 20th, 2010 at 10:30 am
The Children’s Mother has always been ready to meet “the other woman”, ideally hanging from a hook in the local butchers! They were family friends……
The children seem to manage their own relationship with their stepmother, upsets and all, the eldest girl is protector of her siblings and is not backward in coming forward, shall we say!
I guess you have to follow your gut instinct; let the kids get on with it as they sound as if they can cope fairly well but be civil to their stepmother, you two don’t have to be friends. Unless BB is a wife beater, faudster or similar, the ‘truth’ is inevitably only one person’s perception (or distortion).
July 20th, 2010 at 11:21 am
OH poor her – nothing worse than having to deal with that double betrayal I’m sure……
Gut instinct is best and thats telling me to stay as far away as possible! Lx