Six weeks after getting the bomb shell about his affair:-
It’s the strangest feeling ever to have, just six weeks ago, nothing of any significance to complain about and now, finding my whole world has been ripped from underneath me – walls, ceiling, everything has all come crashing down – and the children don’t even know yet. What then?. I suppose I plummet from my world being razed to the ground straight down a big black hole. Horrendous.
He left on Sunday like I asked him to. He’s going to be away for two weeks. I think we both need time to clear our heads. I am finding it very difficult to carry on as normal. Nothing is normal anymore. My skin is itchy and I can’t think straight. He didn’t want to leave. Said he hadn’t felt this much doom since going back to school age 8, but he doesn’t understand why I need him to leave.
It’s good and bad not having him here. I hate the aloneness of it all, but definitely feel calmer and in control. He’s phoning daily but I don’t really want to speak to him. The space that it’s given me has been a release from the endless talking and it’s becoming more and more clear to me that I’m not sure I want him anymore. The man he has become – obsessively fit, body concious, vain, selfish and arrogant I know longer recognise, let alone admire or even like. Maybe he’s only like that because of his affair, but he’s changed. Hugely. I said to him the other night “how will we ever get back to being friends” and he said “were we ever friends”. Well, if that’s what he thinks, then he’s not going to try very hard to get me back. He obviously thinks that our marriage was rubbish. Best then if he f*cks off. I am getting more and more angry about everything. His assumption that it will all be alright or that if it isn’t alright it’s my fault for not trying to forgive him.
The thought of moving on without him is terrifying. The cloak of marriage has been important, relavant and much desired by me. I can’t imagine life without it and/or him. I keep looking at people’s ring fiingers suddenly as if it’s become important again – which of course it shouldn’t be.
I am going out with friends – none of whom know yet (well 2 do) and we’re doing the same things that we always do but I feel different. Scared. Alone. Isolated. Friends are helping me out because they think he’s away for two weeks – what will it be like when I have to fill every weekend on my own with or without the children. What then?
My friend took me to see a family lawyer today at her house. It was helpful. But very sad. Strangely I felt deceitful going. That is the first major thing I’ve ever done behind his back. I could never have had an affair. I’d have felt far too guilty.
I looked at my wedding ring today. It is embedded in to my finger. There’s a mark. How will I ever feel ready to take it off?
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:55 pm
This diary strikes a chord of familiarity with The Children’s Mother’s experience.
“..ripped from underneath me – walls, ceiling, everything has all come crashing down”
“Best then if he f*cks off. I am getting more and more angry about everything. His assumption that it will all be alright or that if it isn’t alright it’s my fault for not trying to forgive him.”
“That is the first major thing I’ve ever done behind his back. I could never have had an affair. I’d have felt far too guilty.”
“Scared..” In my experience, that is the worst part, being scared.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:21 pm
You’re right and it was surprising to me how scared I was – terrified, couldn’t breathe scared. My husband had no idea about that i don’t think Lx
February 4th, 2010 at 5:52 am
I remember the inability to breathe through fear, and feeling as if I was going to plunge into a black hole. He went, leaving me in a part-remodelled house as well, so I actually did sit in the ruins surrounded by rubble.
I think I’m over it, 15 years on. But I’m still angry.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:03 am
I remember you saying about your house being not finished – how relevant to be sitting in the middle of ruins…..poor you. It just makes me realise more and more that whilst you can hopefully move on and rebuild your life brick by brick you never ever quite get over the experience – but maybe that is OK. You change and grow and learn from it, just as everyone has to in whatever trauma they’re going through. I am really really trying not to be angry anymore though. Not helpful for my BP levels!! Lx
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:59 pm
I remember these feelings.
The aloneness and being scared all the time.
Leading up to my divorce, I had insomnia for the first and last time.
All I can say is that time does help.
Your friends will be part of your necessary network of support, use them, they won’t mind.
Be strong.
x
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:18 pm
Thank you for sharing this…..it’s amazing I too felt deceitful going to see a lawyer. I mean me deceitful! Like you I could never have had an affair, I hate lies more than anything. I shared everything with him…..I was scared that I would alienate him by seeking legal advice. What a joke! After all the lies he told…
It seems to be a similar record in lots of houses. Can I be nosy and ask how long ago this happened? I get frustrated with myself that I still feel so upset, that I can’t ‘get over’ it. I’m not saying that you have in any way. Someone said it will always hurt…but I just can’t imagine getting involved with anyone else- still!
X
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Really, it was bloody ages ago and I can’t sometimes believe that it is still such an issue – this diary is from 6 years ago, we were divorced 3 years ago…..it takes so much longer than you think to get over it. Now I’m much better – I can see everything more clearly, which is why I’m releasing the diary now and not then…in case it helps. I somehow still can’t quite believe that I let a fellow human being hurt me that much. Oh well. Such is life. Lx
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:01 pm
“it takes so much longer than you think to get over it”
Take the total length of the relationship, then halve it.
That is what I was told was the time it took for the complete, 100% “getting over”.
It was on the button for me. Obviously things go in waves, the intense heat and pain is focused at the beginning whereas towards the end it is odd niggles and crossness once in a blue moon.
Until one day you realise that it has been ages since you even thought about it and now you are thinking about it …nothing.
We do have a tendency to imagine that people can “move on” (yeah cos it is so like just changing a sodding house) in a matter of months and a false sense of being too slow at “getting over it” is lumped on the hurt people as another cross to bear along with all the other issues they have to deal with.
It was a marriage, you had a family, you were betrayed. The time it takes to get through the hurt, grief and pain is quite rightly significant, since it mirrors the depth of the relationship that existed in the first place.
Only people exiting from a short affair bounce back in nanoseconds. Those stumbling out of the wreckage of a long term commitment are perfectly entitled to take their own sweet time washing the dust off, with as many bubbles of soap as they need, cos that is the only way they will come out really “clean”.
It is fashionable to mutter that you are being “unhealthy” still having residue and not sticking to some unwritten timeline that the rest of the world wants to see you stick to. You know what I think is unhealthy. Shaming people into pretending they are OK and done and dusted and making them work out their grief in secret feeling guilty all the while that they still need to.
That is not just forcing somebody into “unhealthy status”, it is downright cruel.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:05 am
I agree Sarah and obviously everybody is different but it does make me wonder about people like Katie Price and how they deal with their situation – moving on so fast, but presumably not having dealt with many of the issues involved…..everybody’s different. Thanks for your lovely long thoughtful comment Lx
February 4th, 2010 at 12:38 pm
I am sure that you must look back on this though and realise how strong you truly are to have moved past it. It’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy though. Painful. Glad you are past it.