Family Affairs and other matters

Actually, my entire blog is a diary of a divorce.  On the advice of a friend, I kept a diary after I found out about my husband’s affair.  Not really sure why – other than to try and clear my thoughts and I suppose to be able to go back to it at some time in the future to understand how I felt.  From there, I moved onto writing online as it was my cheap form of therapy and a way of finding others in a similar situation.

One of my main reasons for changing my blog format recently was to try and encourage other people to write about their experiences.  I’ve written a lot about how I’ve felt during all those traumatic years, but now, I’m going to go back to the beginning of the end because maybe it can be in some way a comfort to others going through a similar thing…..to know that however difficult it is, life does go on in some way shape or form.

This is my diary entry on the day I found out:-

“Our son’s 11th birthday party and the end of life as I’ve known it for the last 15 years.

During the party my husband did the following:-

1. Went for a run

2. Came back from the run and went straight upstairs to do half an hour of sit-ups

3. Came downstairs and shouted at the children for being too loud

4. We argued for most of the evening about unnecessary stuff.  I began to wonder what was going on.  His behaviour was irrational.  He no longer seemed to want to be part of family life.

5. Whilst lying in bed, I asked him again if he was having an affair.  There was a split second delay before he denied it.  This was the moment I knew.  In that pause.  That 3 second pause changed my life forever.  I pushed him.  Why?  Why did I need to know?

He told me he’d been having an affair for three months.  In my head, I doubled that figure.  I started palpitating.  Feeling sick.  I asked him questions; Who? Where? Why?  ”I’ll never tell you”, he said “it’s completely irrelevant”.

Completely.  Irrelevant.  Completely.  Irrelevant.

I told him to leave.  He wouldn’t.  ”Can’t I make a mistake?” he said.  ”You haven’t made a mistake”, I told him “you’ve made a choice – there’s a world of difference”.

He slept in another room.

I didn’t sleep.

Strangely, initially I felt curiously calm.  Probably because for a long time I’ve known something was wrong and thought it was me.  I’ve been doing my utmost to make him happy and I’ve finally realised that I wasn’t to blame for his behaviour.

This is the worst day of my life ever, ever, ever.  I can’t stop thinking about his deceit, his lies, his lack of feeling for me and our poor children.