There are people in the world who do not begrudge their former partners a single penny of their divorce settlement, (like Neil Diamond) and there are others who will be resentful until their dying day about the money they have to pay their former spouse, (like my ex-husband).
I really am sorry that he is so pissed off about how much he has to pay me – it must be an unpleasant way to live and there is always a looming concern for me that he will take me back to court, as he threatened a few weeks ago. Of course I would dearly love to be able to earn enough of my own money to be entirely independent of him. I don’t enjoy being made to feel beholden to him, but I can certainly see why I needed a lawyer to be involved when dividing up our shared income.
Anyway, my point is that yesterday, whilst my youngest son was in the bath he suddenly said “I didn’t know that dad has two houses. The one he lives in AND this one”.
“This isn’t his house” I said calmly, “it’s our house – my house”.
“Yes, but he paid for it with his money didn’t he, so really it’s his”.
I’m not sure whether it’s best to just let those comments go, but rightly or wrongly I felt obligated to launch into my side of the story. It’s just not right to feed the kids all that propoganda.
I think it’s a real shame that after a 15 year marriage and three gorgeous children and a lost career owing to choosing as a family to have one parent stay at home that it is not a given that the lifestyle we built up together is shared out fairly.
But I know not everybody sees it like that.
November 21st, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Given that you gave up your career to care for the family you share how dare he say things like that – I wish that every divorce could be without troubles (and certainly yours)
p.s. I just love your multi coloured elephants !
November 21st, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Thanks re coloured elephants and thanks for the support re giving up career Lx
November 21st, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Oh what timing to read your post today. It was our 16th wedding anniversary on Friday, though I guess it doesn’t actually count if you are separated! Technically we were married for 14. I spent part of the day on the phone to my solicitor, the financial negotiation part of the divorce started in February and is still slowing plodding along. Solicitor said that he had received a proposed schedule from my ex on a spreadsheet listing 4 different times that the maintenance will decrease, ending finally when our 5 year old begins university! He said it was so complicated that he couldn’t bring himself to look at it and asked if ex was always this nit-picking and controlling, though by now I think that is a rhetorical question!
The amount he is suggesting we receive is less than a third of what we currently live on and would leave him with no change to his lifestyle whatsoever, which is just so frustrating because like your good self we also both chose for me to stay at home and bring up the children. He loved telling people that we didn’t ‘subcontract our childcare’! so although as he has mentioned in an exchange of letters to solicitors I do have an excellent science degree, and so have no reason not to go back to work now and earn lots of money, the degree is in Information Science – pre dates the internet and so is of no use at all really!
I can’t believe the threat of going to court again is still hanging over you, how awful. I hear it regularly especially over child custody issues, which is particularly stressful and he only left 18 months ago but it is just another of those controlling comments isn’t it?
It is hard enough to convince ourselves sometimes that we provided a valuable role in building our ex-partners now successful and blossoming careers but I definitely think that our children should know just how supportive we were through the years of marriage to their fathers. As to just how we do that, ummm sorry I have absolutely no idea!
November 21st, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Anniversaries as you say possibly don’t “count” but they’re still meaningful and important – poor you and I totally sympathise – why do they want to totally diminish our importance and place an unworthy sum on our heads? Suddenly it becomes much more about money than anything else and I think that is appalling. I’m sure eventually our children will know how supportive we were and will work it all out for themselves. Lx
November 21st, 2009 at 11:11 pm
*sigh. Can’t really say any more. Fully sympathise. Being in the same situation I am constantly torturing myself with the fact that my ex pays for everything – as though the work that I do with the boys is of no monetary value whatsoever. Could go on…and on….and on. But it is Sat night so I am going to just go and open and bottle of wine instead. xx
November 22nd, 2009 at 9:21 am
Nicola!! You can’t open a bottle of wine that HE BOUGHT!!! Good grief. You’re doing a great job. Yes monetary value on the required role would help hugely I guess Lx
November 22nd, 2009 at 1:18 pm
If it’s any consolation, mine is just the same ….I hope you’ve got that dire cheque situation sorted out at any rate. Chin up xx
November 22nd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
No. Haven’t sorted dire cheque situation out yet and next one due in two weeks. Will see how that goes and then make a decision. Lx
November 22nd, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Quite right too that you showed him the view from the other side. One day he might set up home with somebody, it would be better for both of them if he didn’t consider the sole, valid contribution towards the family’s wealth and assets is that of a wage packet.
It’s as important for boys to grow up recognizing that as it is for girls, so they don’t grow up into small minded ding-bats who sabotage their relationships from the off.
I hope you are going to write a guide to divorce and it’s fall out when you have the time and energy, you have a real honesty in your words and a good head on your shoulders, it would be a breath of fresh air compared to the head in the clouds perfect scenario claptrap that is often put on bookshelves.
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Thanks Sarah, you are so right – they need to be able to see both sides. A book on divorce? Hmmm. Not a bad idea Lx
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:31 am
Hmmm, this one would make me wild!
How rude!!
What would happen if it went back to court, with everything tied up officially and him not being able to dictate how you received your money? Have your received legal advice about that? I don’t mean to intrude, I just sometimes think that men use this as a weapon, without realising that they could be shooting themselves in the foot.
You poor thing, there’s nothing worse that being maligned falsely behind your back. It’s too hard to fight, if you do the kids get stuck in the middle and it just escalates, if you don’t that falsehood somehow becomes real in the kid’s heads.
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:13 am
I know. It’s difficult to know how to defend myself. Best probably to go straight to him and discuss it. But I am SO not in the mood for yet another battle. lx
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Yeah, but the law sees it like that, because it’s what’s fair and just! If he was happy enough to have you stay at home and care for the children then he should be happy enough to cough up now…where’s his dignity and self respect? I’m sorry if I’m speaking out of turn – feel free to delete… it just makes me angry when parents shirk their responsibilities, financial or otherwise. You deserve half, you did half the work!
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Thanks Erica, that’s what I like to hear!! Lx
November 24th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Are you sure the purple elephant is a boy? There is ‘extra skin’ at the back…
And always state your case, I say. Children believe anything up to a certain point.
November 24th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
The purple elephant is meant to be a girl…..I think it is – can’t be 100% sure though – will have to ask my African expert friends Lx