I think the kids enjoyed their week with their father and Wife No. 2. Good to have them back though and we are now with my parents….I really can’t bear to see my father looking so ill – when I think back to this time last year when we were together in Africa it just all seems so unfair. So much seems to have gone wrong. He’s had a kidney removed now and is waiting for the pain to abateth…..soon I hope that will happen.
I am trying not to be freaked out by some news my youngest son gave me last night – but (in a very small voice) I have to briefly mention that he told me what I had been suspecting for some time – that his father had suggested that maybe next year he move in with him…..go to the local grammar school where Builder Bloke’s two youngest children go.
That is truly my worst nightmare. Losing my child. But. Builder Bloke has reassured me by saying that because I have custody it just wouldn’t happen….I know it’s a nightmare for his father to have to live apart from his own children – but the fact is that because he’s at work all day it would be BB’s ex wife that looked after him and (said in a much louder voice) I DON’T WANT THAT and frankly why would she?
What if in a few years he’ll want to go? He gets on very well with BB’s children. Then what do I do? I know several friends who that has happened to and I’m sure that when a child is given a choice of several households in which to live it must be tempting, when you get pissed off in one house to simply decide to go off to the other. Non separated families don’t offer that “luxury”. Home is home. Get used to it.
I think it best if I try not to worry about it and hope that the issue doesn’t come up again for at least the next 10 years. Or at least the next 8 years anyway.
But I am worried. Very worried. I can’t help it.
Over my dead body though.
August 16th, 2010 at 9:51 pm
Oh man, this is tough.
Apart from fulfilling the father’s understandable desire to have his son with him, is there a financial benefit to the situation in terms of him having to pay less to you or something? If there is, it casts a different light on the proposal. In any case, those two seem to spend a lot of time figuring out how to minimize his support costs.
August 16th, 2010 at 10:01 pm
Yes, would be much cheaper for him as he wouldn’t have to pay anything for the school and I guess would not pay me for childcare for him if he actually lived at home…..it would be a massive upheaval for him though and shouldn’t be viewed in just a financial light…..(although I would say that I know) Lx
August 16th, 2010 at 10:14 pm
l just cried rading this…and the worst of it all is that our daughter chose to stay in our home with her Dad…it was my birthday on monday and she cancelled on me…no word since, no call to say happy birthday, no card etc…same for my sons birthday too…I think its out of sight and mind….
l dont want to scare you witless, my daughter is 18, BUT I would get some words in place now…how old is he….as age is crucial..my 15 year old son stayed with me and we moved out, my lawman said last week, no judge would allow a child to go with a contesting parent IF the child didnt want and was a teenager…
the support money is not forthcoming, but l would give up every penny…if offered to keep my kids with me….
l am thinking of you..talk to your lawyer NOW…
xxx
August 16th, 2010 at 10:47 pm
Thanks Saz – thinking of you too – I will Lx
August 17th, 2010 at 1:10 am
Poor you. And your boy. Selfish of dad to put him in this position, he’s be so torn. He loves his dad but he’s too young to be mothered by anyone other than you.
I know people this has happened to as well. I thank god I escaped this one. I have seen it work out well, but I’m with you. Over my dead body does another woman get my kid.
August 17th, 2010 at 5:56 am
Do not worry, there is absolutely no way that can happen. You and youngest son have always had a close relationship – is the X new wife trying to rewrite the rules on wicked stepmothers ? x,x,
August 17th, 2010 at 7:31 am
Well it’s upto your son really, but being so sensitive and already pretty upheaved by the whole divorce/situation, it was pretty cruel of your ex to then start putting ideas/thoughts like that into his head. Poor kid must be a bit confused and torn in a way.
When I was twelve I just decided to stay with Dad after the summer holidays. There were very strong reasons for me to do that, that I won’t go into in a public forum like this, but basically while it must have almost destroyed my mother, I still believe it was the best thing I ever did, for me, for my future. Btw I also have a grammar education and I also travelled nearly two hours each way to go (it wasn’t actually that bad and there were many girls who did it from our school), so your son wouldn’t necessarily need to move home in order to go to the grammar school if your ex is trying to save money…
August 17th, 2010 at 9:04 am
True except that in the UK these days you have to live v.v close to a free school – preferably in it – to get a place, so he wouldn’t be in the catchment area even from his dad’s new house I suspect. I’m glad you were pleased you made that decision BUT that must have been a HUGE wrench for you and a very difficult choice. I’m glad you had good reason and that it proved to be the right choice for you Lx
August 17th, 2010 at 7:32 am
Btw the RSS feed seems to have gone awry – I’ve lost it and it won’t reload.
August 17th, 2010 at 9:02 am
Thanks – I’ll mention to my web man…..Lx
August 17th, 2010 at 9:07 am
OMG poor you! Just not what you need when trying to focus on your poor dad and will him better. Totally unacceptable that ex should even mention this to your child without a word to you! (I know you had suspicions but still…)How selfish to face a child with that dilemma, to rock his world when he’s too young to make a rational choice. Unbearable for both of you. I’m sure ex loves son deeply but cynically the motivation must be financial- she really is something else!
But you have a gorgeous relationship and son adores you. Don’t worry-you’re his mum and his rock and he is secure in your love. He loves his brother, sister and BB. He’d choose you. Thinking of you. Xxx
August 17th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Thanks lovely friend for response. Feel better now Lx
August 17th, 2010 at 10:48 am
Not sure how relevant this is but I thought grammar schools were selective schools.The one i worked in took girls from many miles away as long as they passed the entrance exam. (well it took the top 150 to be precise as there was no pass mark).if this is the case with school in question then son could still go even if he lived with you as long as he achieved entry requirements.
i think it is no co incidence that ex has begun to plant this idea in sons head well before the event, as
the drip drip drip method is often a good one for persuading children that something is a good idea , so you should talk to your son honestly about this too.
fingers crossed
s
August 17th, 2010 at 11:25 am
Well I am fuming on your behalf (even though everyone else sounds so reasonable)…the trampling continues…first the affair to break up the marriage, then the affair with your boyfriend’s ex and the marriage…and now working on persuading last child to move in with him (when dad left when he was only 2!)…can’t think that this is fair in my reading of the situation. I know he loves him etc. but really where is his humanity? It is too soon, he is too young and he has had enough emotional changes in his very young life. You and child are so very close and supportive – he would miss you far too much. There are some conversations and suggestions that should remain at an ADULT private level – how unfair to put this into the mix for the child who is already poised to change school as it is. If your youngest wasnt happy at your home etc or there was something wrong with you I could understand it…but really…. GRRRRRR….I will calm down in a minute…HOW DO YOU DO IT?????
August 17th, 2010 at 3:05 pm
Thanks for your indignation on my behalf and you’ve made some very good points – NOT something he should discuss directly and insidiously with a ten year old and yes FAR too soon after all the recent upheaval. Thanks. NOW I’M ANGRY TOO!! LX
August 17th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
i really couldn’t bare the thought of that. not in a million years. no ways. no ways. NO WAYS. pole sana lulu. pole sana. xxx j
August 18th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
Hi, I just dropped into your blog and am feeling incredibly upset reading this – not least because I have been through a very similar experience myself. I do hope you can sort this out with your ex, but it is a very unpleasant situation to put you and your son in. Good luck.
August 21st, 2010 at 9:37 pm
Makes me go cold. I hope it doesn’t happen and like you I know that it would be my worse nightmare.
Thinking of you and congratulations to your other son on his A level results. x
August 22nd, 2010 at 8:26 am
Thanks CM!! Fingers crossed then Lx