There was an article in the Sunday Times yesterday all about an emerging new industry designed to help us celebrate divorce. Whilst I accept that divorce has now become a lot more common, affecting almost 50% of all marriages I really do have a problem with the idea of divorce parties. Ultimately I am a huge advocate of everybody being able to move on with their lives, but there is so much pain and trauma surrounding the whole idea of separation, especially if there are children involved that I am not sure a full on “HOORAY FOR DIVORCE” approach is right. Celebrating divorce just seems wrong to me.
Here is what the article said:-
“Where once divorce inspired pity, it is increasingly being seen — once the tidal wave of emotion has subsided — as the opening of a new life chapter, if not to be celebrated, at least worth marking in some way.
As a result, a divorce industry is springing up, offering services that mirror the buying bonanza of the cake, shoes and dress that accompanies a wedding. Party planners are waiting online to help put together the perfect “new you” celebration, complete with “Just divorced!” badges and sashes, and T-shirts bearing the legend “Free like a bird”.
At weddingringcoffin.com, you can buy a miniature casket with a little brass RIP on the side so you can “bury the past and move on to a new tomorrow”. After which, your friends might tuck into a divorce cake — possibly even one that mimics a wedding cake, but shows the bride pushing the groom off the top.
That proved the most popular of a run of samples made recently by Fay Millar, who runs Pink Rose Cakes in Brighton, East Sussex. She also included a couple with shotguns pointing towards one another and a bride stabbing the groom in the back.
“I’ve had lots of inquiries,” she says. “I’ve had someone ask for a cake with boxing gloves on it and another, supposedly set in a pub, with the woman behind the bar and the man thrown out with the empties.
“I’d stop short of anything vindictive, it’s all tongue-in-cheek, it’s for people who’ve been through a lot of stress, who want to say ‘enough’, let their hair down and enjoy themselves and start a new chapter.”
A fortnight today, London will play host to the Starting Over Show, a divorce fair for those who have been through or are considering a break-up that was first staged last year in Brighton. The show proved such a success that this year, much enlarged, it is being held in the capital and again on the south coast. As well as inspirational speakers (“No more ‘if onlys’”), family lawyers and estate agents, the exhibitors include life coaches, a cosmetic dentist, a photographer and several dating agencies.
Suzy Miller, the show’s founder, says the idea is to provide a fun day out. “When a marriage finishes, there is a period of shock, anger and venom — the time when you want to hire a hitman — and we all get to that stage and we all go through it,” she says.
She has avoided having DNA testers or private detectives at the show. “That is not what this is all about. We’re about getting people to the other side, where you put all the bitterness behind you and get on with your life.”
Miller’s 10-year relationship broke up in 2003, leaving her alone with three children, Cyd, now 13, Joe, 11, and Henry, 8. “At the time it was the most traumatic experience of my life,” she says. “I learnt that accessing the right information, help and support legally, financially and emotionally was essential.”
That information was not readily available, however. “There is masses for people who are thinking of getting married, but there is — or was — almost nothing for people breaking up,” she says. “People decide to divorce, then go to the first solicitor on the high street, without regard to whether they are a family specialist. It’s like going to a dentist and asking for heart surgery. The next thing you know you’re on the battlefield.”
Miller is a great believer in collaborative law, where each side’s lawyers work together to reach an agreement rather than as adversaries out to get the best deal for their client, and likes to think that everyone involved with the Starting Over Show can reduce the “massive emotional stress” that breaking up involves.
“You can end up on good terms but you both have to be grown up about it and learn how it feels to stand in someone else’s shoes,” she says. Her ex has now married “a lovely girl who the kids love” and lives in the same village in East Sussex. They share time with the children.
“There is a lot of discussion about how to make divorce less fraught but we also need a cultural change,” she says. “At the moment it’s deemed okay to bitch about your other half in the pub, or even in front of the children. I’m struck by the fact that not one but several people have commented that the fact that I have a good working relationship with my ex is ‘weird’.”
Many of the services on offer at the show are things Miller benefited from herself; life coaching, for instance. “I found it better than counselling, which keeps going over and over the past. Life coaching says ‘that’s done, let’s go forward’,” she says.
Scott Collier, a photographer based in Mayfair, central London, has taken pictures at scores of weddings but last year decided to market himself as a “divorce photographer” too. “I recently photographed a couple with their new baby and the husband’s nine-year-old daughter from a previous relationship,” he says. “Seeing yourself as part of a new family is part of the recovery process.”
Similarly, Miller talks of the importance of seeing your new family unit — whether as a single parent or a new, blended family — around you. She remembers vividly the first time she posed with her children without their father. “I was dreading it, feeling someone would be missing but when I looked at the photograph, I thought, ‘Oh, we all look quite happy. We’re going to be all right’.”
Divorce photographers, break-up advisers, post-divorce dating agencies … the industry springing up around divorce is so new nobody has yet quantified it. “We know that in the States divorce is seen as a chance for reinvention and we may be at a tipping point,” says Neil Saunders, consulting director at Verdict Research, the market analysts. “Though I believe we haven’t quite got to the point of celebrating divorce, it is acceptable and common and, logically, if a couple separate and one household splits into two, people need new things.
“If people are further thinking ‘this is a new chapter in my life’ and they want to change the way they live or socialise, that will also boost consumer spending.”
Debenhams has been the first big retailer to capitalise on the trend, with the launch of its divorce gift list — a twist on the traditional wedding list — last month.
The company has been surprised not just by the number of people who have expressed an interest, but by the “big ticket” items such as furniture and TV sets that have been requested.
“I think it’s proving popular because it’s something practical you can do for someone you care about who’s going through a tough time,” says Ruth Attridge, the company’s spokesman. “Family and friends set up a list on someone else’s behalf and I’d certainly rather buy a set of mugs for someone who really needs them than for smug marrieds. We’re still seeing how it goes but, fingers crossed, it’ll come to be seen as a positive thing.”
I see this as simply a marketing opportunity for vulnerable people, but maybe that’s just me.
February 22nd, 2010 at 6:53 pm
Divorce is sad and whilst the final nail in the coffin is a huge moment of relief, there is nothing to celebrate. Virtually all marriages start off with great intentions and that should never be forgotten. You can’t love someone once upon a time and then pretend you didn’t; things just change. The process of divorce is painful, but the end should at least see some sense of calm. After all, most divorced people share children who are loved by both sides. Any issues that caused the marriage to fall apart should never be allowed to eat away at that very special bond. If that is not true then answer this question: “if I had a time machine, would I have shown up in church?” If the answer is “no”, then you are disinventing your children. If you love your children, it must be “yes”. In which case, make every effort to have a good divorce. Tolerance, respect and get over the sexual jealousy thing. Divorce is nothing to celebrate but enjoy moving on. That is the best bit; you get to be a teenager all over again.
February 22nd, 2010 at 7:04 pm
I completely agree with you Lx
February 22nd, 2010 at 7:33 pm
I was invited to a divorce party a few years ago and made up an excuse not to go. People who do this I find, (since it’s more common in the States, natch) usually haven’t moved on at all, are still seething with rage and usually little bit “strange” to boot. A very uncomfortable experience for the guests.
February 22nd, 2010 at 8:17 pm
on your sides, kabisa. well put london dad. well put. x j
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:20 pm
I can’t think of anything worse…but then I’m not celebrating. I could be divorced in the next few weeks and I keep wondering how I’m going to get through that day/night. Stupid I know….he’s been awful and I am better off without him but I cannot imagine celebrating….drowning my sorrows maybe. I expect he will get married days later!
Can you imagine bringing a cake home to the children with the bride and groom stabbing each other on it?? Gulp!
x
February 23rd, 2010 at 7:45 am
“I’d stop short of anything vindictive” said the cake lady, holding a cake with a bride stabbing the groom in the back… WTF? I find this kind of thing makes me question humanity. Why would you want to celebrate something like divorce? A party to celebrate life, and new beginnings, great but ‘Divorce Party’? It makes me shudder.
February 23rd, 2010 at 9:07 am
yes l saw this too..and am saving it for later…much much later
l only got as far as the one article of matt rudd which mentioned our MMM blog…
saz x
February 23rd, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Oh did it? I haven’t seen the article actually but know it mentioned a few I know….was it at all positive? Lx
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:20 am
Divorce as you pointed out is hard either way. The more harder it is for the children. I recently read an article about a man who emailed his wife that they were getting a divorce. A lot of thinking and insight must be made about divorce and society as well. We can start there on stopping divorce rates.
I think even google should make an application on stopping divorce. They pretty much have been successful on things they make and I think the benefits for everyone really would make it a no brainer.
john @ http://divorceformen.referencesite.org/
February 23rd, 2010 at 2:13 pm
Hello, just wanted you to know I have added your site to my Google bookmarks because of the informative content. Simple but effective. Sometimes I realize that it is difficult to find some good information about products but I think that I have found most of what I was looking for here. Thank you once again
February 23rd, 2010 at 5:17 pm
Thank you Milo. V kind Lx
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Oh, well. I suppose the only advantage is that it makes the state of returning to single-dom more than just an empty phase before the next relationship, and I’m all for that.
I might’ve had a drink on two when my absolute came through, but I’d draw the line at a party.
February 23rd, 2010 at 5:02 pm
If you take a positive view of your divorce, it gives you a chance to start all over in life, to live your NEW life as you want it to be.
My Book, “Yes , There IS an Upside of Divorce, It Can Be your Second Chance at Life” was written for this positive view of divorce (or separation).
Thanks for letting me post here and perhaps helping someone here today!
A NEW Positive Divorce Recovery Book for Your Website Members
I know that you may prefer your own materials for your website here, but I was hoping you might also have some interest in my book too as another source of help. I can offer you DOUBLE the book discount, that I have below, as affiliate sales through my own website and PayPal account for you and your members as you wish.
I have just published a book on divorce recovery called “Yes, There Is an Upside of Divorce, It Can Be Your Second Chance at Life!” You can search “upside of divorce” on Amazon and read the great reviews I have there. One of my top 5-Star ratings is from Tracy, who is the owner of a national web support group called Woman’s Divorce (com).
I have sold over ninety copies locally and received the same great feedback, including some to the Church of New Hope in Stow, Ohio for their divorce support group.
I have also sold three copies to our Stark County Libraries for circulation here in Canton.
I am hoping you may want to buy some copies too to provide some other good help and support to your divorced members of your church and workshop. And perhaps they may want to buy their own copy as well.
My book has a more positive approach to divorce recovery and also goes further about how to make a happier and more enjoyable life after divorce.
For just $12 or so, my book could be another reference book or a gift of help from you to other family and friends suffering through their divorce or separation.
Book Discounts are available on my own website, Self-Help-Products-and-Services (com) where you can save $4 to $7 off Amazon’s costs per book.
I’m sure most, if not all of those who buy, will find some good help in my book.
My ISBN is 978-1-4196-9304-5. I also have a workbook version that could be used for support groups.
If there are other people you think I should contact or those who may want to contact me, please let me know.
Again, Thanks for a chance here to help someone.
Brian Daniel
http://www.Self-Help-Products-and-Services.com
Email: james@self-help-products-and-services.com
February 23rd, 2010 at 8:19 pm
Nice plug Brian, I’m all for positive mental attitude especially when it is delivered by a tosser
February 23rd, 2010 at 8:24 pm
HA HA LD – a little harsh methinks…. Although with a book entitled “Upside to Divorce” – I would have thought was 4 words not 3 and admittedly he has only sold 90 copies so far – mostly to the church, but somebody might find it useful. Lx
February 23rd, 2010 at 5:21 pm
Content like that makes me very depressed, I am aware its cleache to say if we are able to all just get along, but how much more of this stuff are all of us gonna put up with?
February 25th, 2010 at 10:51 am
If you’re looking for divorce parties, divorce cakes or private detectives – then DON’T come to the Starting Over Shows. If you’re looking for good information and loads of inspiration on how to Start Over in holistic and resposible (and fun) ways, then come and see what’s happening at the London Hilton Metropole on Sunday 7 March. Or even visit our http://www.sosvillage.org resource site. Ps divorceparties make me feel as uncomfortable as most of you here seem to feel about them. I prefer ‘letting go’ ceremonies myself)
February 25th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Thanks Suzy, yes, maybe I should come and check it out I’m sure there will be a lot of very useful information and support Lx
February 25th, 2010 at 12:58 pm
yeah but!!!!
there is life, separation and divorce outside of LOndon, give us a break please…we need help up here too and over there!!!
saz x
February 25th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Saz, why don’t you come and meet me and we can go together?? Lx
February 25th, 2010 at 5:55 pm
nice thought, l move on 6th…and will have no idea of finances for a while..zilch methinks..
saz x
raincheck?
February 25th, 2010 at 7:26 pm
No problem…another time – how is it going? ARE YOU SURE YOU SHOULD BE MOVING OUT SO SOON??? Lx
April 2nd, 2010 at 3:22 pm
Awesome post, it looks like a lot of hard work is involved behind this . . . Very helpful post. Thanks so much!