I have just realised that there is a finite amount of time when you’re divorced or separated with children that the “every other weekend” rule applies. To be honest, it is one of the most painful aspects of a separation to have to manage the sharing out of the children like they are little commodities with overnight bags. Especially for the one who doesn’t get to live with them anymore. When they’re very young, it is a total nightmare and we have spent a huge amount of time arguing over the logistics. Now my children are older, we have to consider their own plans and so it is all starting to get a little more blurred around the edges. This, I guess is a good thing. One less thing to stress about. At some time in the future, there will be no more “his” and “my” weekends. Just weekends.
However, things will change again when my ex moves next month into his six bedroom house about 45 minutes away by car – initially I guess it’s going to go back to a more rigid routine as they will have to be driven to his new house and can’t then get themselves back. Once he’s married, I’m not sure how it will work. I wonder how my children will feel going to their “other” house and sharing their space with three more children and a new “stepmother”. At what age are they allowed to put their foot down and say they don’t want to go? At what point do I relent and find myself with absolutely no time off from my kids because they’d rather stay closer to where their friends are (I am under no illusions that it will have anything to do with wanting to stay with me).
My ex has told my teenage son that when he has passed his driving test he will pay for the insurance of the car so that he can drive my other two children up and down the motorway to his new house. Over my dead body. I can’t think of anything worse than letting my 17 year old newly qualified with no experience risk an accident with my two other children in the car. What a nightmare. I need to quickly arrange some new government legislation – like they have in the US that a new driver can’t drive any passengers until they’ve been driving for a year. Much better.
I have the kids for the next three weekends, but this weekend they’ve all been busy doing stuff. My ex took the boys to the Sunderland Vs Chelsea football match yesterday. I wasn’t expecting, when he picked them up to see Builder Bloke’s ex sitting in the car with her children outside my house – studiously looking in the other direction. Obviously I know the children well – it’s a shame – they clearly weren’t allowed to get out to come and say hello and I certainly wasn’t going to go out and greet them. I had a pang of …what? Not jealousy, but something….perhaps it’s just because it’s all still so raw and new.
I had to turn it round and look at it from another perspective. Did I want to be going to a football match in the rain with six children? No bloody way. Did I want to be sitting in the Sunderland stand with my ex watching the team get slaughtered 7-2? No bloody way. Anyway, my teenage son said it was the worst experience of his entire life.
I went to a lovely 40th birthday party last night. I sort of got invited as my friend’s plus 1, but knew lots of people and was very pleased to have been there…I like knowing people who are only just 40 – even if the gorgeous, very young looking party girl kept complaining about all the new wrinkles she has acquired.
January 17th, 2010 at 8:23 pm
It’s a real dilemma as the kids get older. Thankfully my lot had a good time in NZ with their Dad though pleased to return to us. I realised that it has been a real strain on my marriage having the kids all the time – no weekends ‘off’. The other thing I’ve realised is that he reads my blog. How did you manage when your ex read your blog? It’s good news you had a great time at the 40th, just as your kids’ social lives become more interesting I hope that gives you space for yours too!
January 17th, 2010 at 8:27 pm
My ex doesn’t know about my blog…..after all this time. Oops. Lx
January 17th, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Actually the Queenager can drive her sibs. It’s just other friends that she can only drive one of. Gulp. And here I am sitting dreaming of weekends off. As you know, the older two pretty much entertain themselves (or stay in their jammies all day in front of a screen), but the little guy still needs to be at least not totally neglected. Today I have spent hours playing board games with him and building Lego forts. When he told me he wanted me to play an imaginary action hero game that involved racing around the room making “doof doof” noises I tagged out and let the Ball & Chain take over. I know I shouldn’t say this but “Shoot me…”.
January 17th, 2010 at 10:30 pm
My kids found out a very long time ago that I don’t play “doof doof” games with them – poker yes, monopoly no, lego no, the name game, maybe at christmas. Lx
January 17th, 2010 at 10:41 pm
You’ve said everything I feel. I hate that our weekends are mapped out months in advance, that I’m the one juggling their activities or still having to take son to his football matches on a Sunday when husband has the other four.
My husband lives an hour and a half away…nightmare. It has always been up to him to get them to his home though. I either take the children to station to meet him (his car can’t fit them all in even though girlfriend has a new car as well) or his parents have to drive as well. But then he only sees them for about thirty hours a month & in all honesty I don’t expect this will ever improve.
Sorry,didn’t mean to rant on your blog just you’ve got me going. Makes me so cross…I bet he wouldn’t have expected your son to drive his siblings as a newly qualified driver if still all together. I imagine mine will be exactly the same. x
January 18th, 2010 at 7:29 am
Please rant. Thats the point. SO hard for you with new girlfriend and all those kids. AND yours are a lot younger than mine. Lxx
January 17th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
its seems from friends that 17 is the age they can assert their choice of where, who and when, or if…..regardless of 18 being the age of consent…l think its more about respecting the child’s wishes also…so l guess 17 is about right, after all having divorce,remarriage and another ‘parent’ foisted upon them is not their choice…so l do think that any childs opinion should be sought and respected…l cant think of anything worse that enforced visitation.
something l strive to avoid at all costs, (less to myself,hey ho) but thats another story, my choice…
January 18th, 2010 at 7:28 am
Yes. Not good. If you can avoid this situation, it’s so much less painful for everyone Lx
January 18th, 2010 at 10:55 am
For me, access is the hardest thing and sadly can’t tell you that I handled the new wife thing excellently, magnanimously…. My ex recently moved to Brighton. My son is way younger than your kids but the ex is already saying son should choose. Golly it makes me cross! Totally understand you not wanting your child to drive his siblings once he has his licence. Why do some fathers have such insane ideas????
January 18th, 2010 at 2:26 pm
Sorry, my mistake I thought your ex did know about your blog.
January 18th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Well, it’s surprising that he doesn’t – my kids mention it to him from time to time, but the shit hasn’t hit the fan yet, anyway Lx