I had a very lovely reaction yesterday to the big news that my ex husband is to remarry. A beautiful bunch of flowers saying “Girl Power” got delivered to my door from two friends and lots of sympathetic texts, calls and emails. Everybody seems to be reeling slightly from the rapidity of the news and from where it has left me. “It’s SO not fair” I heard several times….well life isn’t fair is it? “Control the controllables” was another – and it helps to remember that too because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it other than to wish them well and get on with my life.
It is hardly surprising that I am feeling more than a little discombobulated by what lies ahead. How it will all work. How my children will cope with having a new family – three stepbrothers and a stepmother. How my ex-husband will cope living with with Builder Blokes children. How Builder Bloke will cope. How I will cope and how it will affect my circumstances.
The question that springs to mind today is whether I should suggest meeting Builder Bloke’s ex-wife to discuss where things stand. She has not made the effort to contact me since our initial meeting back in February this year when I met her for the first time to discuss taking her children away on holiday – or at least that is what I thought I was there for – in fact giving her my ex-husband’s telephone number when she asked for it was the catalyst to the situation we all now find ourselves in.
My children will inevitably spend a lot of time with her. She will become an integral part of their lives. Is it right to ignore that and to not be able to be part of the group? Although all the children involved will only ever have two parents – their mother and father, stepparents are considered to be a vital part of the support network that raises the children and will no doubt be a significant influence, positively and negatively. It is natural to assume that all the children will do better if all the adults contributing to their wellbeing are in contact, being co-operative and supportive.
There will no doubt be times in the future that we will all have to be in the same room together and imagine how difficult it will be for all the children concerned if the adults continue to be at war.
For the moment, I cannot see a way forward. Builder Bloke received more than 20 texts from his ex-wife yesterday telling him that he was jealous and controlling and even evil and that he needed to become a better parent and bla bla bla. She is SO angry with him it’s scary. He is still successfully managing to fuel the fire for now.
Yesterday, with the children I cried. I told them that I found the whole situation difficult and sudden, but I was calm and I hope it wasn’t wrong for them to see me cry. I do it rarely but they understood. It’s hard for me to hear that they’ve made an offer on a six bedroom house with a swimming pool and that she is wearing a HUUGE solitaire diamond ring. Not so much because I’m jealous per se, but because he is making all the effort with her that I desperately wanted him to make with me all those years ago.
My daughter said “you should meet her for lunch, what harm can it do? You should tell her that she should calm down so that everybody can get on together”.
I suspect that if we met she’d want to tell me all the reasons why she is angry with Builder Bloke and she’ll probably tell me things I don’t want to hear, I don’t know that she’d see it from a different perspective but maybe my daughter is right…
So here I am again. Right back in the thick of it again without even trying.
Time to look at moving to Australia again methinks.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Nah, don’t bother, don’t bother to meet her, nothing. Be civil and polite and that’s it – you are only going to be drawn into it again. You don’t have to be friends. The kids will manage fine even if you guys aren’t going to be spending all your Christmases together as happy families. So long as you can speak civilly to each other and can tolerate to be in the same room for Nativity plays and Graduations then that’s fine. I have a really bad feeling about where it may end up if you try to extend the olive branch to that woman.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Yes, not inclined to extend olive branch at the moment that is for sure Lx
December 1st, 2009 at 2:26 pm
You are so rational in rubbish circumstances. There is a time to cry, and this was one of them. Am sure your children would prefer honesty from you as to how you feel. You should trust your gut instincts, but I think some time out on your part may not be a bad thing right now. xx
December 1st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
You mean I should move to Australia as time out? I think that is a very good idea Lx
December 1st, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Hope he has the good sense to get a prenup.
December 1st, 2009 at 4:41 pm
BB already told his ex that – but he won’t. I’m sure. It’s love. Lx
December 1st, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I so agree with Eclipse, I bet she is just waiting for you to react and you know from experience whatever is said at a meeting will undergo a subtle change with the re telling!!! After years of marriage you are bound to come away from any meeting feeling like shit!!! Why should you??. I soooooooo wish it had been you that had found a partner first and were happy but take consolation from the knowledge that men find livng on their own whether divorced or widowed very difficult and first port in a storm is often their answer. Dont rise to any bait and keeping a distance is a VERY good idea at the moment though I think 12000 miles might be considered a bit dramatic….. leave the drama to the Ex his stormy port!!!!
December 1st, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Yes. Thanks Chris yr probably right and I totally agree that men don’t cope very well with living on their own “first port in a storm”….I like that. Thanks for the advice. Lx
December 1st, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Oh God Lulu. Oh God. I guess the only thing I really believe is that how things are at this moment is not a true reflection of how they might be this time next year. Or in 5 years. You can’t magically create a harmonious relationship between everyone over night – but that’s not to say it won’t happen. It’s natural to feel a bit gutted. I can’t even imagine how I would feel in the same circumstances. But envy would likely be a huge part of it, which is perfectly natural. The only thing I can say right now is keep loving your kids with all your heart and keep their happiness top most in your mind. You don’t have to rush into meeting with your ex’s bint (oops sorry – couldn’t resist! Not very helpful I know!). And I think it is absolutely ok to share your feelings with them – but not to burden them with it, which I know you won’t do. Every child just wants their parent to be happy – in whatever form that takes – so encourage them to be happy and excited for their dad, as hard as that might be. Your happiness is right around the corner. You just can’t see it right now, but it’s there.
All my love xxx
December 1st, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Thanks NIcola – lovely words Lx
December 1st, 2009 at 10:21 pm
No I would be the woman not for turning! I would not could not, do it… let her make the effort …I see why you would, for your kids, but unless BB is off the agenda(for discussion) then what will it get YOU? NADA
would you could you, move to auz?? do the kids wanna? if they do…its a thinker!!!
(l;m gutted for you…but if h’s moving this fast, it smacks to me of SHOW not do….)
December 1st, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Yes, that seems to be the general consensus of opinion….don’t make the effort (yes, you’re right about the ‘for discussion’ bit) but still, beginning to think no real reason to rush into a meeting.
LOVE to move to Oz. Don’t honestly think they’ll have me though and kids wouldn’t want to go now. But I might think about it anyway Lx
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:19 am
Agreed – no olive branch. I still think she’s doing all this to piss of BB. I’ll give it two years tops. Poor you.
On a lighter note, those warped photos of you and your friends look like vaginas with wigs!
December 2nd, 2009 at 8:15 am
OK. No olive branch it is. Yes, agreed – see above comment for response Lx
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:26 am
Oh my god! I don’t know why I’m so shocked. How awful for you. I hope you’re coping okay xxxxx
December 2nd, 2009 at 8:09 am
Thanks Miranda – I know – same. Yes. I’m coping thanks Lx
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Hi L,
It’s been ages since I’ve read your blog and I felt so sad after reading this last post. My ex new his current wife before we got divorced. Less then 2 months after our divorce, he told me that their ‘circumstances’ had changed and they were now a couple (bollocks to that! – oopps sorry). She moved into our flat 3 months later in Jan 06. They’re now married, with their baby no.2 due feb. Did he move quickly, yes. Was I hurt that he threw me aside? Yes.
I was so angry and emotional with it all. Don’t even talk to me about an olive branch.
But I was careful not to be negative about them in front of my child. She has to feel comfortable being with them and she is. I do get a perverse kick out of referring to the new wife as the ’step-mother’, reminds me of Cinderella or Snow White’s wicked witch.
But that being said, remember to let them waste their energy on being angry/frustrated. Your energy can be spent on much more important people such as YOU and your children.
I wish you lots of luck with the coming times.
Love jo
(used to be under a different blog name)
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Thanks Jo – what was your different blog name just so I know who you are? That is v sad for you too and must be really difficult when even more kids involved – that’ll be next – another child! Lx
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
OMG!!! OMG!!! and, er, big hugs. All I can think of to say! xx
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Thanks DD – hugs required. Lx
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:14 pm
My ex sailed off into the sunset with the New Ugly One (I thought men usually got a younger model that reminded them of their ex – not in his case! He swopped tall, elegant, intelligent and attractive me for short, dumpy, ugly and dim) … but I digress … she was a bitch to my children and used to say the most awful things about me to them. Fortunately they spent most of their time with me. I think if she already has three children, she won’t want yours too, so with a bit of luck it should work to your advantage. Ignore her but make sure you and the ex talk about your children and what is going on – otherwise children wise up fast and you get things like ‘Dad said it was okay’!
The ex and the NUO had a child together (no fool like an old fool), so once she got what she wanted, she calmed down a bit. Nearly two years ago the ex died in his sleep and although he and I got on well after the divorce, I hate him for disappearing at the age of 58 and the heartbreak it has brought to my children.
Sorry – this is a ramble and completely incoherent – I have got too many distractions at the moment!
You will get through it and don’t forget – what goes round, comes round!!
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:11 am
Bloody hell – that all sounds like an awful story…..Lx
December 4th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Oh God, Lulu, what a lot of shite has landed on you. As always, you are dealing with it amazingly well. I wouldn’t offer any kind of olive branch either – it may well come back and slap you round the face.Distance, dignity and lots of love for your lovely children are all that’s required, I reckon. Sod the swimming pool and the solitaire. It’s all based on the wrong stuff. Sending you lots of love and support, even from a distance. Wish I was closer to give you a hug. M xxx
December 5th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Holy moly, I go away for a few days and come back to find your ex marrying BB’s ex. I think your children will be okay. Kids always know who really cares about them. And I think you too will weather this weird storm. You’ve got survivor’s blood. And why not take the high road about it. Olive branches extended and accepted will be good for the children and keep you up on what’s happening. Oddly enough, after all I’ve read about about BB’s ex wife, my biggest sympathy is with your ex husband. I’m afraid I now see him as a “lamb being led to the slaughter.” Perhaps too dramatic a phrase, but you get the gist. My best to you…
December 8th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
wow, things have drastically changed since i last visited. i don’t understand what is going on in your ex’s head. hopefully he wises up. honestly though, i don’t think they’ll make it to next year (or whenever their wedding date is). i totally understand how you felt when you found out the new though. even though i’m remarried, when i found out my ex was having a child w his current gf, i was kind of pissed, hurt, etc.
December 8th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Yes, it’s all changed again….good to hear from you – glad all going well with you Lx