I am SO proud of my 10 year old son. He won a gold medal yesterday at the Inter Schools Athletics day and is now the reigning champion in….wait for it…..
Shot put.
How cool is that? A few weeks ago he’d never even heard of shot put and now he’s champion of the Borough. I am trying not to think too far forward – I have a vision of me sitting in a hat at the 2020 Olympics proudly watching shot put events all day – was thinking more 100m or gymnastics, but what the hell. Brilliant achievement.
I have a MAJOR dilemma. I wasn’t going to write about any of this, because it is like pouring petrol onto an already raging fire. However, unless I do something about it, I am in danger of losing the one thing that saved me in those early months after my separation and subsequent divorce. My blog. I have decided that I need to fight for it.
I suppose it was naive of me to ever think that by writing my side of the story my ex husband might see things from another perspective and understand where I am coming from more, but I wasn’t expecting such fury. I am not going to discuss what exactly happened yesterday, but essentially my ex has told me that he won’t pay me the money he owes me (which let me make it clear, isn’t all of it and he does pay for his children’s maintenance regularly) until I send him an email saying that “I agree to no longer write anymore lies or half truths about him, his wife or the children on my blog”.
“Why would I do that?” I said to him on the doorstep last night. I don’t write lies on my blog I write about situations the way I see it, which of course you are not necessarily going to agree with because, as that good old adage goes “there are 3 sides to every story – his, hers and the truth”. Sadly, in our case there are five sides to every story “his, mine, BB’s, BB’s ex wife and the truth”.
When he told me that “there is nothing else of interest on your blog but what you write about us” everything suddenly became clear to me. I have a right to stand up for myself because of course he’s going to think it’s all rubbish and of course he’s going to tell me it’s damaging the children – he’s entitled to that opinion, but nevertheless, I must no longer cower in my blog corner and whimper. I didn’t ask him to marry BB’s ex and thus provide some additional interesting scenes and issues to describe and discuss. I told him that I had been writing about my life WAY before all that happened and I certainly don’t believe it is affecting the children. Far from it. If anything it will give us all a record of lots of stuff they have done and said for the future.
I suggested that perhaps he should stop reading my blog. Start his own. Maybe even send me a blog post outlining his perspective on the matter (although that was voted down in blog world a little while ago). I don’t intentionally mean to make him angry, but I’m not really sure what to do about it now. This is my carefully nurtured four year old sprog, dog, mog, blog. I don’t want it to be insulted. I am allowed to have my voice heard and I am proud that my blog has been part of my journey in slowly rising from the ashes to find some new, albeit different (still jungle like, thank god) paths to slash through for the moment.
Freedom of speech rules. I will continue for the time being as best I can in presenting my views and I will carry on writing for all the other unheard voices out there in the wilderness (OK, yes I know, I am going to stop now – I am not a Chinese Dissident supported by Amnesty International, but you get the picture*).
* Arm punches air in manner of Martin Luther King (although not a good look – in dressing gown and ouch, think I’ve pulled a tendon in my shoulder).
June 11th, 2011 at 1:41 pm
So many times I want to write on my ‘other’ blog about what the children and I are going through and feeling but I know for me personally I am not strong enough for any backlash. I know that blog has been ‘discovered’
You do what you have to do, as you say it has got you through hard times. Sick to your guns… X
June 11th, 2011 at 2:38 pm
yay! xxx j
June 11th, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Ah hon, I hear you, I hear you. I had a similar situation when one member of my family effectively put a gagging order on my talking about another member of our family. I very nearly pulled the whole blog as it seemed pointless somehow – yours, like mine, is not a commercial blog – it is an on-line diary, a record of family and personal life, a means of expressing yourself, a sort of online therapy maybe as well… And yes, you should stick up for the right to express yourself any which way you please.
If your blogging were adversely affecting your children in any way, or putting them at risk, then that might be different but you’re not. Stick firm. Hugs… xxxxx
June 11th, 2011 at 4:08 pm
A father is a father, no matter what happens – through divorce, illness, good times and bad. He supports and nurtures his children. He does this by being there for them, providing support (yes, that includes financial support) and by setting a good example. What on earth do your children think of him at the moment? He cheats on their mother, ultimately forcing a divorce, and now, having broken up their family, threatens their mother when he doesn’t like what she says? He withdraws financial support from them because he does not wish her to have a voice?
Wow. Role model much.
As an entirely different and much better role model, you have done exactly the right thing – brought the situation into the open and told whoever is listening that you won’t be threatened or blackmailed into keeping quiet. He needs to grow up and realise that he doesn’t own you any more and that he can’t force people to do what he wants.
Carry on blogging, Lu. Tell your story. You owe it to your children. It seems to me that you’re the only one in their lives with any sort of moral code.
June 11th, 2011 at 4:22 pm
Not sure what it’s worth but you have my support; if – when you click ‘publish’ – you are happy that you will be able to re-read what you’ve written and stand by it, then go for it. And if people aren’t happy with what they read on a blog that is not their own, then they shouldn’t visit it. End of story.
And really; the more fuss he makes about your blog, the more people will know of it, the more people will read it, and he’s just made the problem a million times worse. Am off now to retweet EnglishMum’s tweet asking for support for you. Oops – and then another few hundred people will have been directed to this blog. If you’re reading this comment, sorry, Ex! (But see how this works?)
June 11th, 2011 at 5:16 pm
I have never met you, but I have read some of your posts and I think You must be an amazing person. My personal feelings on this dilemma is … As long as you use a code name for each person involved so they can’t be identified… Let it all hang out. good luck… And remember.. Your anger will hurt you far more than it will hurt ‘them’. I’m not saying let it go but if you wake up one day and find that your anger has turned into an obsession? Then it may be time to review.
x
June 11th, 2011 at 7:38 pm
Good for you. I’m not aware of any kind of injunction that can stop people from voicing their opinions as long as they are not libelous or slanderous, so why should you stop writing your blog because someone doesn’t like what you write? I think your children are intelligent enought to see it for what it is; their mother’s version of events and how it affected her. Shame your ex isn’t able to do that.
June 12th, 2011 at 2:03 am
Way to go Lulu………your blog your decisions. How can he be so incredibly childish… your blog and him supporting HIS children are two separate issues. Do you tell him what to do with his life? I dont thnk so. After a divorce and remarriage people should just get on with their, admittedly in your case, rather complicated lives. Freedom of speech thats whats its about……..he/they just shouldnt read it then there would be no problems. x
June 12th, 2011 at 9:06 am
Thanks Chris. Yes I agree they shd be separate issues x
June 12th, 2011 at 11:19 am
I cannot believe that he would be so naive as to think that withholding his financial support as a method of blackmail wasn’t going to seem unreasonable to people outside of your situation – are you going to escalate by mentioning he’s unreasonably withholding support to the court?
Its your blog, if what you write is not lies but your perspective and you feel comfortable hitting publish then do it – you shouldn’t be gagged because he doesn’t like how his actions are reflected back to him in what you write
June 12th, 2011 at 1:06 pm
Just back from holiday where I was speaking to A about your dilemma. So glad you are continuing and fighting for your blog.
June 12th, 2011 at 8:55 pm
Thanks – what does he think I should do?? Lx
June 12th, 2011 at 1:38 pm
Do stay firm. If the support is withdrawn I wonder whether a blog is admissible in court as proof?
June 12th, 2011 at 6:17 pm
It’s funny that despite their being married, neither your ex nor BB’s ex seem to be able to leave you guys alone and move on. Interesting really!
June 12th, 2011 at 10:22 pm
I was nodding at English mum’s comment about role models. I also wonder how this stands against a child support agreement. Are you allowed to say I don’t like that so I won’t pay? I would hope common sense comes into play mainly. If you stay away from real names and stick to facts and your own feelings and emotions whilst he may not feel comfortable with it, it doesn’t seem that it would be something he could request to control. A mutually agreeable solution would be best for all the children. Waring parents never helped any child. Good luck x
June 13th, 2011 at 7:12 am
Unfortunately I can’t see this being in any way mutually agreeable unless I back down on something I believe in. Lx
June 13th, 2011 at 9:58 am
Good for you! And us, because unless you stand up for this wonderful blog, we won’t be able to come here. Your writing is fabulous, and yours, and he has NO right to gag you. Sheesh, that makes me angry! x
June 13th, 2011 at 11:13 am
Thanks Shiny Lx
June 13th, 2011 at 4:15 pm
Yay – keep writing! The funny part of this (though I’m sure it doesn’t look that way to you just now) is that, as others have noted, all of this fuss will only attract attention to your blog from those who actually know who your ex and his wife are. My opinion of them – nameless and faceless across the world – is of no consequence. But to your London circle, my goodness! Reputations at stake! If they were smart, they’d let you carry on quietly and almost no one would be able to connect them personally to the blog. – On the bright side, maybe publicity will help you with your book.
June 13th, 2011 at 5:57 pm
June 13th, 2011 at 6:08 pm
No to be fair to him, he’s not depriving his children – it’s only some of the money – probs the bit meant for me rather than all of it. He is still paying for his children which is the most important thing x
June 13th, 2011 at 7:27 pm
That’s good then
December 3rd, 2011 at 12:01 pm
That’s how you hog “column inches”. Old sportswriters’ trick for old sportswriters.