Before you answer that question, spare a thought for us poor divorcees who have had to tiptoe tentatively to the edge of a bloody great diving board and do a Mr Bean-esque dive bomb into the murky waters of dating again after marriage. To begin with It is an absolute nightmare. You need to find other single girlfriends who are way down the line. Who are already in the pool frolicking about enticing you in. The thought of actually taking your clothes off in front of a stranger is so terrifying that you cannot imagine having sex ever again.
But you get over that eventually, if you’re lucky to have your confidence built up by the right sort of experience(s).
But then what? What when you meet somebody you really like? What priority do you give to how good/bad/indifferent the sex is?
I have friends who think it is REALLY important to be sexually compatible and friends who think it is of NO importance whatsoever. These friends can be divided up into two groups.
Group A – still having sex (not necessarily with their husbands)
Group B – not having any sex (probably still with their husbands)
Group A thinks that finding a partner that is sexually compatible is essential and that a passionate connection with someone should remain an important part of the relationship.
Group B thinks that sex is irrelevant because you get over all that passion fairly quickly when with a new partner and it’s far more important that you have a companion (and a rabbit).
Biologically, we do not need to procreate anymore (thank god) so we are not looking for an ideal person to mate with. Our priorities change presumably. Is sex WAY more important for men or not? Do women post babies start to enjoy it more and see it differently?
I’m going to stop now because I don’t know what I’m talking about – but I’d be interested in your thoughts on the matter.
June 16th, 2010 at 11:04 am
you Brave girl…l would love to talk about this, but havent been able to..on blog or with mates…they dont miss sex, dont want it…nada, no, nothing..they look at me when l make a comment about the draught as if l am a bit weird….
where as l, for whom have always had a good appetite and its the one thing that didnt go to pot, in fact just got better…. I miss it …l dream about it…and before you say it, l do and l have, but it isnt the same as sex with your man….far better than no sex tough…
I want to vomit, yes vomit, when l think about it with anyone else but ‘him’ unless we are in the realms of fantasy and gerald butler appears before me in need! I can’t see me finding the perfect ‘mate’ again…
I think it depends on the experiences we’ve had which determines how much we miss it and need it….any suggestions…
June 16th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Hmmm. I would have thought that sex with your man is all tied up with your whole life and your current situation. Maybe you need to let go a little more first of him and all he stands for and try it with somebody else? OR maybe you should try even harder to get him back. OR maybe just do nothing for a minute and see what happens. You’re too raw to do anything rash. No big decisions.
You see why I’m not a paid counseller? A) I can’t even spell it and B) I’ve covered all options with no idea which one would be best.
Thinking of you though.
ps Maybe get a rabbit for the time being.
June 16th, 2010 at 11:07 am
drought obviously not draught…thats another story!!!LOL
June 16th, 2010 at 11:09 am
oh…and l meant to say l shall be 52 in August!so sex after 50…where’s the difference??? better quality!!!
June 16th, 2010 at 11:53 am
For God’s sake, just get on with it!
Any more debate and the EU will get involved and you will have to be registered, ear tagged, microchipped and the children will have to keep full movement records or face a massive fine and imprisonment!
And you will have your assets stripped!!
June 16th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Are you talking about sex Jon or have I missed something? Lx
June 16th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Hi, just in case you missed this!
http://jonstorey.blogspot.com/2010/06/lavish.html
June 16th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Great blog. Thanks Jon. My Lavish friend should be in touch soon. Let me know if you don’t hear within a week. Lx
June 16th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
I’m forty two and my wife is thirty nine.
We’ve been together for twenty years and have two boys and still have sex as often as we ever did, the difference being that it’s more adventurous as we get older, which I guess would indicate that it’s still important to both of us.
I can honestly say that I don’t know of anyone in my immediate circle of friends who is ‘playing away’, but perhaps I’m just naive.
I’m also surprised at the number of my wife’s friends who have a rabbit. The topic will only come up after a few glasses of wine.
I think sex as you get older is important. Not only for the pure enjoyment of the act, but also for the passion and feeling of love it brings.
I’ll stop there, as I too have no idea what I’m talking about.
June 16th, 2010 at 2:26 pm
After 40 – very
After 50 – very
After 60 – I’ll tell you soon …
June 16th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
Phew – that’s good to hear Lx
June 16th, 2010 at 4:00 pm
um. is a rabbit a vibrator? (blink blink) x
June 16th, 2010 at 5:29 pm
You guessed it honey….don’t they sell those in Arusha hardware store???? Get online Lx
June 16th, 2010 at 5:11 pm
Ooh, hot topic. When I was married (still in my 30s) I was in the Group B – but just because I was resigned to not getting any (what I was getting wan’t really worth the bother anyway). Out there in the brave new world, with a relatively new romance, sex has resumed a vital place in my life at age 41.
I will say, though, that my current partner’s attitudes are far different from what I remember of dating back when the men were in their early 20s, and certainly different from my bored and distant ex-husband. He is quite a lot older than me at 56 and is not nearly so, ah, goal-oriented as the men in my past. Perhaps not coincidentally, he is quite a bit more attentive, too. It’s a journey of discovery all around.
June 16th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
Well, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head (no pun intended) – it’s being attentive that is important and makes all the difference as to whether your experience is good or bad – love the “not nearly so ah, goal-oriented” comment! Lx
June 17th, 2010 at 12:44 am
I am sorted Lu thanks…!!!
June 17th, 2010 at 1:17 am
It’s been so long I’ve forgotten.
x
June 17th, 2010 at 7:29 am
OH MUD!! That’s not acceptable behaviour for a gorgeous girl of your age…..where are all the men? Lx
June 22nd, 2010 at 6:08 pm
I meant to say a big thank you to all of you who responded – especially to my first commenter Gumpher – male who has made me feel a whole lot more reassured about the future years. Lx
July 14th, 2010 at 5:49 am
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