My divine blog friend in Tanzania called Janelle who writes one of the most extraordinarily moving and wonderful blogs I know – no more so than her last entry about gratuitous violence and the loss of a good man sent me an article a while ago written by someone I like the sound of called Anne Hill. It was all about her thoughts and advice on surviving divorce. I hope she won’t mind if I take a little of what she says and adapt it accordingly, because of course every individual situation is different.
Actually, to be honest, I’m really not sure that I am in a position to write a post on “How To Survive Divorce” because I am certainly no expert on the matter. Sometimes, like today, I can still feel fragmented and tearful. My ex husband is moving away on Wednesday. To his new 6 bedroom house with his new family. To his new life. Even after all this time apart from him it feels strange. The children are unsettled. My daughter said her teacher’s are being very sympathetic – which means she’s milking the situation for all it is worth at school. Things will change. I don’t know how yet. I don’t know if the children will want to spend more time with me because his house is too far away from their friends or less time with me because their all year round heated swimming pool is going to prove to be a major trump card.
ANYWAY. BACK TO THE POINT.
HOW TO SURVIVE DIVORCE (hopefully)
1. Your friends (and family if you’re lucky) will get you through it more than you will ever know. Don’t ever take them for granted. They will be there with you on your long journey back out of the black hole.
2. Be prepared. You are in for a long hard slog. Rumour has it that it takes half the time you were married to begin to get over your marriage. If that is too awful a prospect then bank on it taking AT LEAST four years. The first year is almost better than the next one. You will probably be a bit unhinged and angry in the first year and do irrational things and get drunk far too often. You may even have sex with a virtual stranger and then freak out about it and decide that you have caught some hideous sexual disease. In the second year reality bites and it’s all highly depressing because not only are things just as hard but you’re exhausted from Year One. If you’re lucky, by Year Three the drama has died down a bit (sadly not in my case as ex husband started going out with my boyfriend’s ex wife and caused disaster number 2). By Year Four you are able to see the wood for the trees and can finally start reassessing your life.
3. In the early days make sure you get out of bed every day. Sometimes your body feels so heavy it won’t move. It would have been so much easier to curl up into a ball, ignore the kids, have a quiet nervous breakdown in a corner somewhere. But it doesn’t work like that. You have to “face the dragon”. Deal with the shit. Go to the meetings. Brush your hair. Remember to eat. Remember to breathe. Pick your kids up from school. Put your make-up on. Fill out that complicated form. Go to that party on your own. Do the stuff you dread. You have to. It will make you stronger and consequently it will all get easier. You will do most of it on automatic pilot and then be amazed with yourself that you got through it. I managed to learn an entirely new trade during my most traumatised time. It saved me from myself.
4. Be kind to yourself. My old school friend wrote to me at the beginning of the whole process. She told me to do just that. To treat myself as if I was going on a date with myself (which frankly had no appeal whatsoever – I hated my own company – thankfully she invited herself along on most occasions which helped hugely). Have a massage, or go to an exhibition or a film on your own. Put yourself higher up your list of priorities. Sometimes it pays to be selfish. Try not to feel sad that you have no one to do things with or to buy you presents, buy yourself some stuff. Treat yourself to things. It’s important. Do the things that give you pleasure and forget the rest. Go on a cooking course, a knitting course, ride wolves, sail, play poker, write a book. Whatever. It. Takes. Buy a big comfortable bed and spread out in it by yourself. It doesn’t take long before sharing it again becomes a bit more difficult….
5. Cut the crap. Don’t go to everything. Do some sifting. Do the stuff that makes you enjoy for whatever reason. Let go of the social events that no longer work for you and of the friends that take more than they give. Drop the stuff that’s taking up too much time and getting you nowhere.
6. Most importantly keep your sense of humour. You will find that different friends are there at different times and for different reasons. Some can take you out and make you laugh and push you in at the deep end of your new scary life. Others are there for when you find your feet again and want some semblance of normality. It won’t always be funny, but there is always a funny side to be found. A different perspective to look at.
For the most part things will get better and easier. I still have my moments where I wonder how I got here – my “Je Regrette Everything” moments, but I guess the heavy pit in the bottom of my stomach gets lighter every year and I’m still here. Still breathing. Still laughing. Still hoping.
Sometimes, when you look at what is going on in the world and what other people are going through, having the time and space to mourn for your marriage is almost an indulgence. I am still a very lucky person who has three lovely children and a roof over my head and lots of fantastic friends and lots of lovely stuff to do and, and, and, and another year has gone by in a flash. But it’s springtime in London and even if it weren’t you might find it helpful to remember that “in the kingdom of hope there is no winter”.
March 9th, 2010 at 8:35 am
Thank you for this. I’m almost into year two, and had been beating myself up that I feel even worse now than I did last year. Now I know it’s normal and there is light at the end of the tunnel!
March 9th, 2010 at 9:54 am
Thank you as well. I keep thinking there is something wrong with me that I’m feeling worse or struggling to cope……x
March 9th, 2010 at 11:09 am
As a Solicitor (currently non-practising but due to return hopefully this year) who deals mainly with divorce, financial & children issues I find it hard to give client’s the support they so clearly need when my job is to advise & assist but very clearly not to emotionally counsel. Its hard to draw the line as my nature is to be emotionally supportive but its inappropriate & unprofessional so I have to be strict with myself & at times, my clients.
Because of this dilemma I often find myself referring clients to books, support groups, counsellors & web-sites in order that they may find the emotional support they need. I shall be adding this post to my list. So few people realise it is entirely normal & appropriate for them to go through the seven stages of grief during & after divorce, just as they would if someone they loved had died.
A great post. I’m off to look up Anne Hill. She sounds like someone I need to read.
MD x
March 9th, 2010 at 6:37 pm
Thanks very much MD. That is exactly what my blog was meant to be about. Providing a forum and a support network for others going through the same sort of trauma. Great. Lx
March 9th, 2010 at 11:28 am
I loved this. I think the advice works well for so many other situations too. Big hugs xx
March 9th, 2010 at 6:35 pm
Thanks and I agree. It applies to life stresses in general doesn’t it. Lx
March 11th, 2010 at 5:21 pm
Thanks for that, feeling a bit ‘wobbly’ today. How will I cope? You have just answered my question.
March 11th, 2010 at 6:19 pm
You will indeed have wobbly days. Glad I could help Lx
March 13th, 2010 at 2:51 am
When my wife and I separated through divorce, we had no choice but to settle arrangements when it comes to co-parenting. We have 2 young kids and we don’t want them to suffer just because we needed to part ways. So me and my ex-wife are working hand in hand to take care of the kids. My wife also bought co-parenting planner/organizer from http://4help.to/parenting which really is of big help in this process. Hopefully we’ll get things flowing smoothly as planned. Thanks for sharing this!
April 9th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
It is simple to see that you are passionate about your writing. Great job!
April 23rd, 2010 at 9:10 pm
Looking through your articles gives me a chance to remember why I like reading things with so much ideas. It is nice to know that there are still great writers out there that can put humor into knowledgable information. Thank you for your role and eagerness to communicate your thoughts with us.
May 1st, 2010 at 12:12 pm
Hi there I like your post
November 13th, 2011 at 7:32 pm
I want to thank you for your blogs. I am early in the process of my divorce, and though the decision to divorce was mine, and I do not regret it, it makes the road ahead no easier. In fact, as the instigator, I am an easy target, and subject of speculation. I refuse to explain the reasons for my decision to others, because doing so would dishonour my children’s father, and is unlikely to truly convince anyone anyhow. If my reasons are valid and true, I expect time will reveal them to others as well–small consolation right now, though.
I needed Anne Hill’s advice–I had felt crazy, and much of it (too much) was already very true. I do need to get up every day and face my dragons…as my pajamas and reasons not to shower first thing in the day on the days I’m not working has become more and more appealing–though harder and harder to justify. And your other blogs, which I have only just discovered, provide much therapeutic relief and cathartic laughter…things that may not always seem funny, but ring so true, you just have to laugh–relieved I am not the first to have thought the same things.
As to your brother’s mentioning that your blogs have been a bit dull lately (a statement that, as a newly single mother of an 11 and 14 year old, I wholly disagree with), I thought of Rilke, and his advice in “Letters to a Young Poet”–advice I think applies to more than just writing:
“You ask whether your verses are any good. You ask me. You have asked others before this. You send them to magazines. You compare them with other poems, and you are upset when certain editors reject your work. Now (since you have said you want my advice) I beg you to stop doing that sort of thing. You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now. No one can advise or help you – no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple “I must”, then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your whole life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse.”
This is an awful time for opinions and advice-giving–as though there is a right way to go about divorce, or as though anyone but you knows what it is like to be you. But I suspect, that like me, you feel the urge to write it out just the same–that just speaking it is cathartic and makes you feel less insane…For myself, I recently chose a confidant to whom I have expressed these fears and feelings. Unfortunately, my newfound confidant, despite their care and concern for me, is not as fond of verbal expression, and my long heart cries often elicit blunt one liners–many of which do not even touch the heart of the matter. There is a need to be heard, to be understood–I do not want advice, but then Google “how to survive divorce”. I do not feel the least bit sociable, but then cling to the first person to share genuine care and concern. I am a living anomaly, and do not know how to go about this new life, almost frozen into inaction with fear, while my two children look to me for direction and strength…
Okay, I digress. All to say, thank you, and please, don’t give up blogging.
November 14th, 2011 at 10:03 am
Thank you so much for your comment – it is this one and others like it that come at just the right time I find – they keep me going – not only in their honestly and valid advice but in the knowledge that there are a lot of us out there that find comfort in not being alone and I am so grateful for that. It makes me stronger. I hope you don’t mind, but I will probably use your words for a whole post – love the quote about writing – it is SO true. In life as well – when you know what you have to do you can find the answer from within…..always. Listen to your heart. Good for you to keep going and thanks again for your support! Lx
December 17th, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Sorry for the delayed reply–only saw your comment today…Of course you can use anything from my comment. We all just muddle on together, yes? Great to have companionship and comradery on the journey forward, for the good and bad…All the best, F.A. ~lost at sea
December 17th, 2011 at 1:35 pm
Thank you v much for the comments – most appreciated – have been feeling bad about the other one but shouldn’t really – it’s another opinion and she’s perfectly entitled to it but still…..thanks again anyway Lx
November 24th, 2011 at 12:22 pm
I was divorced from my wife in 2009 after a very very bitter battle she basically got everything and hung me out to dry in many ways, I had an affair one I deeply regretted which in the end cost me everything mainly the woman I loved my ex wife and my young adult children, 2 years later and guess what I remarried moved on with my life picked up the pieces from the ashes and finally got over those horrible days you hear of in any divorce.
But then what happened? my ex wife told me how much she loved me and wanted me back again, how deeply sorry she was for all the pain and sadness, and would do anything if I would only give her another chance, she had never found anyone else and tells me she always loved me but was just angry.
I could not believe my ears,of course I still love her I always did we had been together for more than thirty years, but as I say I have moved on I had too in the end, so what do you do she calls me everyday begging me to come back I have explained I have moved on but she doesn’t understand this my heart feels for her sadness as I went through it, but theres no going back is there really , and it shows you there is light at the end of every tunnel you just have to wait for it
November 24th, 2011 at 1:06 pm
Sounds scarily like my situation at the beginning – but my ex has moved on and I feel sorry for your ex – what a horrible place to be and she must feel so rejected. But. She’d be better walking away now with her head held high and concentrate on doing stuff with her kids and friends and for herself surely. Clearly if there is no hope of a future together she should stop now? Difficult all round. I wonder how your new wife feels? Lx
January 9th, 2012 at 2:11 am
My husband sleeps downstairs in one of the children’s rooms, while I am alone in our bed, feeling so relieved that the end of this 20 year marriage is in sight and then terrified that it might take me 10 years to get over it. *sigh*
You gave me a good laugh, though and I feel hopeful. I do.
Thank you.
January 9th, 2012 at 8:25 am
Good luck then. Keep the hope burning – if it bought Stephen Hawkins another 20 years ago it’s good enough for me Lx