Family Affairs and other matters

I have just read an article on “chivalry” and whether it still has it’s place in the world. It is a difficult one isn’t it and is something that I, as a parent struggle with. I am a strong believer in the “everybody is equal” argument and have brought up my children accordingly. My daughter believes she is just as entitled to do what she wants in life as my sons. Which is the right thing to do. However, that does not mean that we should not be allowed to benefit from the obvious differences between the sexes.

My parents were of a different generation and my father is and always has been extremely chivalrous towards my mother, looking after her every need, pouring her wine, putting on her coat (except at the moment when the roles are reversed owing to his broken shoulder). It used to annoy me a bit. I used to think my mother was a little bit pathetic. Probably because with that attitude also comes a belief that a woman’s place is at home with the children and not out at work. My father always did struggle with beautiful women in the boardroom. He just didn’t quite know how to deal with them. I worked hard to prove that I was just as worthy of a good education as my brothers (rather than secretarial school for me) and he is much better now.

However, when does chivalry simply get confused with common courtesy, common sense and respect for your partner? My parents work wonderfully together – it is like a sort of dance where each one knows their role and my mother feels very loved and cared for – all elevated and pedestal-like. Which is precisely how I want somebody to make me feel. If I am with a man who is physically bigger than me, what is wrong with them carrying the bags to the car? I like feeling looked after and I’m quite sure it engenders the urge to do the same for your partner – give and take.

Anyway, it has just got me thinking about how to get it right with your children. How to get my son to understand that being chivalrous isn’t a bad thing – “girls first” says my daughter at any given opportunity and I don’t think that is right. It shouldn’t simply apply to any situation (ie she was no doubt referring to a tin of Quality Streets). Not quite the same as the sinking of The Titanic, where women and children quite rightly should be helped first.

Without the art of chivalry, somehow I feel we are in a mannerless and non-respectful society – am I sounding ridiculously old fashioned here? I think offering your coat to your girlfriend if she’s cold or putting an arm on their back when crossing the road simply shows you care about that person. Not that you think they’re an invalid.

I just tested the water…I asked my 14 year old if he ever held the door open for a girl? “What do you mean?” He said. Oh dear. I have a long way to go.