My newly single friend has a question. I asked her to send me an email of her dilemma:-
“I wonder if it’s possible to have a love affair that lasts forever?”
Andy Warhol
“I have just come back from the most amazing trip to France. Having recently separated from my husband and it being ‘his weekend’ with my children, I decided to go and see an old friend from University. Whilst sitting by her gorgeous pool, chilled rose in hand and a much needed awful trashy novel that I couldn’t put down, her husband’s brother popped by to borrow her laptop. I’d met him before, years ago. Had always fancied him. In fact we had a bit of a fling way back then. Rather like a scene from “Desperate Housewives”, (although sadly I look nothing like any of them except perhaps the old lady) my book was put down, body covered up and I had eyes or thoughts for no one else. We chatted, we laughed, we drank wine, it got dark, he wrapped his jumper around me, he cooked, we danced, we sang and we went to bed. I can honestly say that I have never had an experience like it. I felt so free. Such passion, so right, so amazing. Even the way he held my hand made me want to kiss him even more. The feel of his skin on mine, the loss of inhibitions, feeling like you fitted in someone’s arms and that the roof could cave in and as long as your hands didn’t separate then you could deal with anything.
Sadly, I am now home. Every time he texts me, my stomach falls to the floor. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can barely even breathe and when I try and close my eyes I run through each delicious moment with him. I feel more alive than I have ever felt, I can’t stop smiling (is this why the crinkliest, prettiest old ladies are so happy? Did they find a passion that lasted their lifetime and the lines on their faces are from pure blissful happiness?)
In my heart, I know it was a holiday thing and that I’m behaving like a lovesick teenager and yes, I know I’ve only just separated, but tell me someone please, can this passion, the way someone makes you feel last forever? Or do I have to settle for companionship the next time around?”
I wasn’t sure how to reply. I’m not sure myself. How many people in life manage to maintain the passion? Surely it doesn’t take long before you move on to a different level. A calmer level. A level that can be maintained through the years. If you have extreme passion, won’t you blow up? Be unable to function in the wider world. If you find your soulmate, somebody who makes you laugh, understands you, thinks you are beautiful then maybe, just maybe, you can maintain the passion. But I’m not sure I can think of many long term couples who still kiss passionately. It’s what we all want but life very often gets in the way. Children are the biggest passion killers in my experience. So maybe, if you meet after you’ve had your children it can be possible, because you go back to being yourself again, to a degree.
OH I DON’T BLOODY KNOW. HELP!
May 20th, 2010 at 3:40 pm
I will come back to you on this one. The words France, pool and holiday have just made me feel all weak…….
I think I am in love!
May 20th, 2010 at 5:00 pm
OH I DON’T BLOODY KNOW AS WELL!!!! Sorry.
May 20th, 2010 at 6:16 pm
feh. haven’t a clue either. not on iota of anything sensible to offer…all i know is that i dig my slippers, my bed and a good book…as for those “complications”…too bloody unsettling…gotta wade through everything after…i run away from that shit man…ok, shuddup janelle. just shuddup…party pooper. xxx j oh and ps i am a horse. x
May 21st, 2010 at 9:51 pm
OK – thought maybe dragon because they love stars! Yes, all v unsettling I agree Lx
May 20th, 2010 at 8:06 pm
WHY is it just a holiday thing. Am I missing something?
Honestly? I think she should rush back to France (or wherever he comes from) and just enjoy it while she can (unless there’s some obvious reason why they’re not able to be together). Maybe passion doesn’t last forever, but my lovely man (who drives me mental and can be a really selfish shit bag) can still make me go week at the knees with a kiss.
May 21st, 2010 at 9:52 pm
It’s complicated……as always. But good to know you’ve still got “it” Lx
May 20th, 2010 at 8:36 pm
Although it wasn’t the focus of your friend’s question, I think it’s important to note the unique moment that the end of a marriage represents. You’re living with all the accumulated hurts of the relationship itself, plus anger at the soon-to-be-ex, fear over how the divorce will play out, sorrow over the time lost with your children, guilt and sadness over the pain inflicted on them. There’s also confusion over how to deal with this unfamiliar free time and, especially, the FREEDOM. All of a sudden, it’s OK to look, imagine, flirt, dance . . . etc. (Mmmm, the etc.!) You’re at once gutted, destroyed, and handed this license to go and have fun – maybe for the first time in years and years. It’s tantalizing and destabilizing – at least, in my experience.
In the first six months of my separation, while working through divorce, I found myself in three different infatuation/obsessions. All three, in turn, were all-consuming distractions. Intoxications. In retrospect, I see how they served a purpose and even helped me heal. But my judgment was shaky at best, and the intensity was completely unsustainable.
For the record, I continue in a relationship with that third infatuation, now 1-1/2 years later. But it’s mellowed, and I can enjoy his company, and his touch, without thinking of him constantly. Will it last forever? I have no idea . . .
May 21st, 2010 at 9:54 pm
thanks Karin, brilliantly written and so true and you have put into words all that happens during that very traumatic, dangerous time Lx
May 20th, 2010 at 10:36 pm
Gosh! The times I’ve wondered the same thing myself. I have a new passion, and for now it is good, but experience tells me it won’t last. That is so sad, I’d love to believe it will survive…
May 21st, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Maybe it will…..who knows, but I do think as you say, from experience that we have to be prepared for the worst! Slippers et al! Lx
May 21st, 2010 at 1:52 am
wow.
i’m not sure how to answer this question about lasting passion…..but you are one hell of an honest writer.
maybe crinkly pretty old ladies are happy not because they found passion that lasted a lifetime….but just because they found passion. period.
May 21st, 2010 at 9:55 pm
Thanks Lx
May 21st, 2010 at 10:13 am
I am trying to find that again with my wayward husband. Sometimes I wonder if I am not missing out on my French love affair?
May 21st, 2010 at 10:20 am
Maybe? Who knows, I hope so in a way, and in a way not. That kind of passion while amazing to feel is so consuming, there’s no way you could continue in “real life” without exploding. I guess it does calm down after a while (they say around 2years), but it certainly doesn’t have to become boring or mundane?
May 21st, 2010 at 9:56 pm
It’s trying to get that balance between extreme passion and extreme mundanity (is that a word?) which is so hard to find….but hopefully not impossible. Lx
May 22nd, 2010 at 3:37 pm
this was an episode form brothers and sisters a few weeks back…are you putting us on?
May 22nd, 2010 at 4:28 pm
NO! I don’t even watch it – unless my friend is actually delusional this was a genuine email! Lx
May 22nd, 2010 at 3:37 pm
go with the flow…single lady, frenchman….texts….lovely
July 14th, 2010 at 1:30 am
Do you have non-human talent, good writing. I will always support you.
November 10th, 2010 at 4:00 am
YES YES AND DOUBLE YES! A DELICIOUS ETERNAL LOVE AFFAIR EXSISTS THAT YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT!!! IT IS WITH THE ETERNAL GOD! HE IS ALL LOVE AND LOVES YOU SO PERFECTLY AND UNCONDITIONALLY. ASK HIM ABOUT IT! THE DOOR IS CHRIST THE LORD!
May 11th, 2011 at 7:59 pm
Yes it is. But only if you avoid common mistakes. NEVER move together or share too much. This attraction and passion can only be sustained it you stay kind of strangers for each other. Intimacy and being familiar, all these weird definitions of a “healthy” relationship will kill all the passion and make you neutered buddies.
Only if you do not let other aspects of your life like job, friends, family, and so on, let dilute your feelings it will work. Perhaps the imagination that both of you are married and had a secret and exciting affair could be helpful because it will allow you to cherish the time you can spend together. Longing, yearning and other special feelings are part of passion, not part of a buddy relationship.
If you know there are few hours to spend together, this time becomes precious. You will anticipate and fantasize all the time. But after your time together you need to part again in order to maintain the core quality. It’s all rhythm. Don’t let the junk of everyday matters enter your affair … I keep my fingers crossed. Best wishes from AK!
May 11th, 2011 at 11:11 pm
Thanks – good advice Lx
December 3rd, 2011 at 5:06 am
As long as the USCG is a branch of the U.S. military, it should be equipped to handle the ASW missions. Having said that, the USCG will probably never be resources for the mission…. Great post