Silence is to be my chosen course of action regarding the latest drama. Given the circumstances. Not sure though. Maybe I should be making my stand very clear.
My X rang me at 12.30am last night. Incensed. Things are getting out of hand. No surprises there.
Last week, he asked me if he could take the children out for dinner tonight and bring them back by 11pm. Initially I said no because they’ve just started back at school and it was WAY too late, but he was insistent “I don’t think you understand, it’s my fiance’s oldest son’s 18 and she’s invited us all to go”. He said that she had given Builder Bloke first option but that he hadn’t replied and so she invited my ex and my kids to go instead. As he had already told the kids and my youngest was excited about it I felt it would be inappropriate to stop them. I did wonder how Builder Bloke would react. After all it’s his son’s 18th birthday. It’s a big deal.
So. The reason for the early morning call was that BB had indeed got upset that he wasn’t being included in the festivities. Understandably. My X was furious because apparently BB had sent my daughter a text about it. I told my X I’d talk to her in the morning and said that I wasn’t prepared to get into an argument about it as he was ranting with rage, but could I remind him that the whole issue was about an 18 year old with feuding parents and that they shouldn’t lose sight of who he would ultimately want at his birthday meal.
This morning, my daughter showed me the text from BB – it said “Tell your dad not to go out for dinner. He is my son. I miss you x”.
WTF?? I’m furious. However much I try and extract myself in order to protect my children it seems that they are drawn in anyway. Personally whilst I completely understand how upset BB is about his exclusion, fuelling the fire by texting my daughter and essentially trying to undermine my X through his daughter is a cheap trick – even if he doesn’t realise that is what he is doing.
My daughter has now been put in a very awkward position, in fact doesn’t want to go. Which has unnecessarily spoilt it for her, when none of this is anything to do with her.
Silence.
Powerful, but hard to maintain.
February 22nd, 2010 at 2:06 pm
You poor thing. You are so right that many of the adults involved seem to ahve entirely forgotten that they ARE adults! So unfair for your daughter to have been put in that position. Hope you’re holding it together.
xx
February 22nd, 2010 at 2:52 pm
argh! And the man is supposed to be an adult. i hate when people drag kids into stuff like this. I admire you for your silence, really. Im not sure i would be so strong and would probably shoot my mouth off making the while thing ten times worse.
February 22nd, 2010 at 4:19 pm
For what it is worth – it seems to me that everyone is losing the plot and it is difficult to see who are the parents and who are the children in this scenario (apart from you …!). Having been through this with my parents and their remarriages and having then repeated the experience myself, the four of you MUST get together and thrash this out; I know it is hard, there is a lot of bad blood circulating, but the children are getting the flack and it is so totally unfair that your daughter is being made to play go-between by BB. You know this, it isn’t rocket science, is it but none of you must allow the children to suffer.
You have two scenarios open to you (4) – either it is everyone for themselves and not get involved in each others lives, or the four of you make an effort to spend a special occasion together, as in this case the 18th birthday. It looks as though Mrs X BB is having a go at BB by inviting your X instead of BB. If this is the case, she is a stupid bitch.
There is no perfect answer for these f***ed up situations – all I can say from my experience was that on the whole I was in contact with my X only as far as the children were concerned – I had no idea of his new life, neither he of mine. For birthdays, Christmas etc. we spent the day together with the children (well he would come for lunch), his Ugly One was invited too but never came … that was her choice. My parents did the same thing – to us kids it seemed just fine, although I learnt many years later that they hated it!! But they acted as adults and honestly we were never put in this position.
Ramble, ramble … sorry! I just think someone has got to wave the white flag here, and you get my vote (think how holy you will feel afterwards!!).
February 22nd, 2010 at 4:22 pm
You might be right that we all get together – but given that I am no longer with BB it makes things very hard – I don’t need to sit with him and them – but it may be an idea for me to meet her at some point soon. All a nightmare Lx
February 22nd, 2010 at 4:42 pm
I know you are no longer with BB but you and he are in the equation with X and Mrs X BB!
February 22nd, 2010 at 7:48 pm
I think it would be appropriate for you to communicate in no uncertain terms that neither BB nor his ex is ever to engage your children as go-betweens. (Didn’t she do just the same at a club a little while ago?) I don’t know how you do that most effectively, though – maybe an e-mail to all three of them? There’s no point in getting caught up in dialogue about it. You’re role is to lay down the law – no discussion.
Your X definitely needs to take the lead in protecting your kids here – it’s his mess. And why the hell is he blaming you for BB’s behavior?
Putting your kids in the middle is unfair and damaging. I know silence is tempting, but I think there are some ground rules that need to be asserted here.
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:13 pm
Oh dear what a dilemma…..no advice because I’m sure we couldn’t even be as ‘mature’ as that in my situation. Good luck x
February 22nd, 2010 at 10:15 pm
I might be a suspicious cow but do you think Mrs X BB did invite BB, or just say she did?
I think you are well shot of BB no matter how pleasant he is. He has no common sense and that would eventually wear thin. I think you are right and silence is the best policy. The other three (supposed adults) need to consider that besides taking the gloss off the celebration from your daughters point of view, they’ve probably done the same for the 18 year old, who is the most important person in the current brawl.
Don’t you love the way blogging has made a lot of us amateur psychologists – if life were only so easy!!!
February 23rd, 2010 at 6:25 am
I was wondering the same as Lynda about the ex. You should still try and stay out of it as much as you can. But you should also tell BB that it is unacceptable to text and use your daughter like that – but leave it like that, don’t go for a drink or dinner etc, just call and say your piece. I admire you for taking the high ground, it must be hard when all they seem to want to do is drag you back into the fray.
February 24th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Block. Sender.
He shouldn’t be texting or calling any of your children for any reason at this stage.