Comments on: IS SILENCE THE BEST POLICY? http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/is-silence-the-best-policy/ Parental musings and family life Wed, 08 Feb 2012 16:40:53 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: SusannahS http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/is-silence-the-best-policy/comment-page-1/#comment-5621 SusannahS Wed, 24 Feb 2010 12:04:24 +0000 http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/?p=3237#comment-5621 Block. Sender. He shouldn't be texting or calling any of your children for any reason at this stage. Block. Sender.
He shouldn’t be texting or calling any of your children for any reason at this stage.

]]> By: Eclipse http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/is-silence-the-best-policy/comment-page-1/#comment-5591 Eclipse Tue, 23 Feb 2010 06:25:10 +0000 http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/?p=3237#comment-5591 I was wondering the same as Lynda about the ex. You should still try and stay out of it as much as you can. But you should also tell BB that it is unacceptable to text and use your daughter like that - but leave it like that, don't go for a drink or dinner etc, just call and say your piece. I admire you for taking the high ground, it must be hard when all they seem to want to do is drag you back into the fray. I was wondering the same as Lynda about the ex. You should still try and stay out of it as much as you can. But you should also tell BB that it is unacceptable to text and use your daughter like that – but leave it like that, don’t go for a drink or dinner etc, just call and say your piece. I admire you for taking the high ground, it must be hard when all they seem to want to do is drag you back into the fray.

]]> By: Lynda http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/is-silence-the-best-policy/comment-page-1/#comment-5590 Lynda Mon, 22 Feb 2010 22:15:46 +0000 http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/?p=3237#comment-5590 I might be a suspicious cow but do you think Mrs X BB did invite BB, or just say she did? I think you are well shot of BB no matter how pleasant he is. He has no common sense and that would eventually wear thin. I think you are right and silence is the best policy. The other three (supposed adults) need to consider that besides taking the gloss off the celebration from your daughters point of view, they've probably done the same for the 18 year old, who is the most important person in the current brawl. Don't you love the way blogging has made a lot of us amateur psychologists - if life were only so easy!!! I might be a suspicious cow but do you think Mrs X BB did invite BB, or just say she did?
I think you are well shot of BB no matter how pleasant he is. He has no common sense and that would eventually wear thin. I think you are right and silence is the best policy. The other three (supposed adults) need to consider that besides taking the gloss off the celebration from your daughters point of view, they’ve probably done the same for the 18 year old, who is the most important person in the current brawl.
Don’t you love the way blogging has made a lot of us amateur psychologists – if life were only so easy!!!

]]> By: Chic Mama http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/is-silence-the-best-policy/comment-page-1/#comment-5588 Chic Mama Mon, 22 Feb 2010 21:13:39 +0000 http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/?p=3237#comment-5588 Oh dear what a dilemma.....no advice because I'm sure we couldn't even be as 'mature' as that in my situation. Good luck x Oh dear what a dilemma…..no advice because I’m sure we couldn’t even be as ‘mature’ as that in my situation. Good luck x

]]> By: Karin http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/is-silence-the-best-policy/comment-page-1/#comment-5585 Karin Mon, 22 Feb 2010 19:48:08 +0000 http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/?p=3237#comment-5585 I think it would be appropriate for you to communicate in no uncertain terms that neither BB nor his ex is ever to engage your children as go-betweens. (Didn't she do just the same at a club a little while ago?) I don't know how you do that most effectively, though - maybe an e-mail to all three of them? There's no point in getting caught up in dialogue about it. You're role is to lay down the law - no discussion. Your X definitely needs to take the lead in protecting your kids here - it's his mess. And why the hell is he blaming you for BB's behavior? Putting your kids in the middle is unfair and damaging. I know silence is tempting, but I think there are some ground rules that need to be asserted here. I think it would be appropriate for you to communicate in no uncertain terms that neither BB nor his ex is ever to engage your children as go-betweens. (Didn’t she do just the same at a club a little while ago?) I don’t know how you do that most effectively, though – maybe an e-mail to all three of them? There’s no point in getting caught up in dialogue about it. You’re role is to lay down the law – no discussion.

Your X definitely needs to take the lead in protecting your kids here – it’s his mess. And why the hell is he blaming you for BB’s behavior?

Putting your kids in the middle is unfair and damaging. I know silence is tempting, but I think there are some ground rules that need to be asserted here.

]]> By: louise http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/is-silence-the-best-policy/comment-page-1/#comment-5581 louise Mon, 22 Feb 2010 16:42:36 +0000 http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/?p=3237#comment-5581 I know you are no longer with BB but you and he are in the equation with X and Mrs X BB! I know you are no longer with BB but you and he are in the equation with X and Mrs X BB!

]]> By: Family Affairs http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/is-silence-the-best-policy/comment-page-1/#comment-5580 Family Affairs Mon, 22 Feb 2010 16:22:55 +0000 http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/?p=3237#comment-5580 You might be right that we all get together - but given that I am no longer with BB it makes things very hard - I don't need to sit with him and them - but it may be an idea for me to meet her at some point soon. All a nightmare Lx You might be right that we all get together – but given that I am no longer with BB it makes things very hard – I don’t need to sit with him and them – but it may be an idea for me to meet her at some point soon. All a nightmare Lx

]]> By: louise http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/is-silence-the-best-policy/comment-page-1/#comment-5579 louise Mon, 22 Feb 2010 16:19:41 +0000 http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/?p=3237#comment-5579 For what it is worth - it seems to me that everyone is losing the plot and it is difficult to see who are the parents and who are the children in this scenario (apart from you ...!). Having been through this with my parents and their remarriages and having then repeated the experience myself, the four of you MUST get together and thrash this out; I know it is hard, there is a lot of bad blood circulating, but the children are getting the flack and it is so totally unfair that your daughter is being made to play go-between by BB. You know this, it isn't rocket science, is it but none of you must allow the children to suffer. You have two scenarios open to you (4) - either it is everyone for themselves and not get involved in each others lives, or the four of you make an effort to spend a special occasion together, as in this case the 18th birthday. It looks as though Mrs X BB is having a go at BB by inviting your X instead of BB. If this is the case, she is a stupid bitch. There is no perfect answer for these f***ed up situations - all I can say from my experience was that on the whole I was in contact with my X only as far as the children were concerned - I had no idea of his new life, neither he of mine. For birthdays, Christmas etc. we spent the day together with the children (well he would come for lunch), his Ugly One was invited too but never came ... that was her choice. My parents did the same thing - to us kids it seemed just fine, although I learnt many years later that they hated it!! But they acted as adults and honestly we were never put in this position. Ramble, ramble ... sorry! I just think someone has got to wave the white flag here, and you get my vote (think how holy you will feel afterwards!!). For what it is worth – it seems to me that everyone is losing the plot and it is difficult to see who are the parents and who are the children in this scenario (apart from you …!). Having been through this with my parents and their remarriages and having then repeated the experience myself, the four of you MUST get together and thrash this out; I know it is hard, there is a lot of bad blood circulating, but the children are getting the flack and it is so totally unfair that your daughter is being made to play go-between by BB. You know this, it isn’t rocket science, is it but none of you must allow the children to suffer.
You have two scenarios open to you (4) – either it is everyone for themselves and not get involved in each others lives, or the four of you make an effort to spend a special occasion together, as in this case the 18th birthday. It looks as though Mrs X BB is having a go at BB by inviting your X instead of BB. If this is the case, she is a stupid bitch.
There is no perfect answer for these f***ed up situations – all I can say from my experience was that on the whole I was in contact with my X only as far as the children were concerned – I had no idea of his new life, neither he of mine. For birthdays, Christmas etc. we spent the day together with the children (well he would come for lunch), his Ugly One was invited too but never came … that was her choice. My parents did the same thing – to us kids it seemed just fine, although I learnt many years later that they hated it!! But they acted as adults and honestly we were never put in this position.
Ramble, ramble … sorry! I just think someone has got to wave the white flag here, and you get my vote (think how holy you will feel afterwards!!).

]]> By: Heather http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/is-silence-the-best-policy/comment-page-1/#comment-5578 Heather Mon, 22 Feb 2010 14:52:30 +0000 http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/?p=3237#comment-5578 argh! And the man is supposed to be an adult. i hate when people drag kids into stuff like this. I admire you for your silence, really. Im not sure i would be so strong and would probably shoot my mouth off making the while thing ten times worse. argh! And the man is supposed to be an adult. i hate when people drag kids into stuff like this. I admire you for your silence, really. Im not sure i would be so strong and would probably shoot my mouth off making the while thing ten times worse.

]]> By: Mud http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/is-silence-the-best-policy/comment-page-1/#comment-5577 Mud Mon, 22 Feb 2010 14:06:35 +0000 http://www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com/?p=3237#comment-5577 You poor thing. You are so right that many of the adults involved seem to ahve entirely forgotten that they ARE adults! So unfair for your daughter to have been put in that position. Hope you're holding it together. xx You poor thing. You are so right that many of the adults involved seem to ahve entirely forgotten that they ARE adults! So unfair for your daughter to have been put in that position. Hope you’re holding it together.
xx

]]>