Last week’s question about affairs prompted 22 responses and a plea from a woman in South Africa for advice and support. This is one of the main reasons why I have changed the structure of my blog. By having a designated “divorce” section we can share, support and advise fellow readers…..
This week therefore my question is going to be “what is life like for you after divorce or separation”. What has changed? Are you happier? Stronger? What have you gained from the trauma/experience? Are you still in the middle of it all or have you come out the other side? Is it true that you have to work on the basis that it takes half the time that you were together to get over the whole thing?
In my case an awful lot has changed. Firstly, I have now lived on my own with the children for nearly five years, having moved twice in that time. My daily life with the children hasn’t changed significantly as my husband had a very busy job and was rarely home before the children were in bed. It certainly hasn’t been easy and I’ve had huge ups and downs along the way. My blog has been a by-product of my divorce because I started it a form of cheap therapy and a way of finding others in a similar situation. A huge new world has opened up to me as a result.
In addition I have developed with my work and have now become a trained Pilates teacher as well as a deep stretching teacher. I have become far more independent and can almost say that I am happy on my own. That is a big step for me.
November 28th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
What an excellent question. I am only one year on from the separation and there are no plans for the divorce as yet, but no plans for reconciliation either. I still feel a huge amount of turmoil. Do I still love my husband? Do I wish we were still together? Some times. Being a single parent is hard work. Trying to maintain an amicable relationship with an ex is hard work. I am exhausted by the effort it all takes. I do get lonely – but then again, in all truth I am not as lonely as I was in the last 2 years my husband and I were together. That was excruciating.
One year on the biggest difference I feel is my confidence in actually being alone – in not being in a partnership. When I split with ex I was terrified that I would never find someone else and share my life with another man. Now, that doesn’t bother me in the least. In fact, I really can’t even imagine sharing my life with someone else again. Not that I don’t think it will happen…but it feels good to not feel DESPERATE for it to happen.
Sometimes I feel guilty with respect to my two boys – they still hate the fact that mummy and daddy no longer live together. But that guilt has mainly morphed into disappointment that, despite such a strong and loving relationship for so many years, we let it all fall apart. So many good times that I never really appreciated fully when I was living them.
My future is still so uncertain – I know my life is going to change dramatically over the next few years. Hopefully moving back to the UK after being away for so long. Possibly a whole new career. But instead of being daunted (or primarily f*cking terrified!) I try to be excited about my options.
And despite all the ups and downs of the past year I do feel very lucky that I am not at war with my ex. My intention is to keep treating him as I want to be treated myself: with respect, with fondness, with tolerance, with forgiveness. I still love so much about him. I don’t regret our years together. I really do want him to be happy. I will endeavour to keep moving forward with dignity…and the assistance of much needed therapy to help keep me sane.
November 29th, 2009 at 1:25 am
Thanks Nicola and I so agree – being lonely in a marriage is far worse than being on your own outside the marriage….and I am so with you on the journey from being terrified beyond belief about being on my own to simply accepting the situation because it is not an issue (except tonight when I am left with washing up from dinner for 22 (including the boys) and nobody to help me do it…..Looking forward to you being back in the UK! Lx
November 28th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Ooh, am I the first commenter?!
We’re not divorced yet, just separated – the plan being that if we don’t get back together (which is looking totally unlikely now) that after 2 years we will have a mutual divorce.
Life after separation? Well I’m still pretty new to it all, having separated in April this year. Life is certainly more peaceful than before and there is a total lack of the tension in the household that was present for a good while beforehand.
It’s weird actually, where practical things are concerned, I always had absolute awe for any single parents because I found it hard enough coping with three children when we were together! But actually it seems a bit easier now coping with the children because I’m not trying to cope with a husband as well. If that makes sense. He spent a lot of time with them and he usually put them to bed while I did the washing up in an evening, but our evening routine seems to work pretty well now, and the mornings – oh my goodness the mornings! One of my bugbears was that he would get up, get his own breakfast, disappear upstairs on the computer to ‘work’, and that would be it. My job in a morning was to get up, get my own breakfast, get breakfast for three children, make sure they were all dressed and ready for school with all their belongings and then get them all to school on time.
These days I still have to do all of those things in a morning – but the difference now is that I am not simmering with resentment at the man sitting upstairs at the computer in blissful solitude with his breakfast! Now I do it all more willingly because I am the only one here to do it, whereas before he was here to do it too but never did.
That possibly makes no sense at all! Would love to know if anyone else gets what I’m on about!
I don’t miss being part of a relationship. That surprises me too because until this year I hadn’t been single for more than a day or two since I was 17 (20 years ago!). I do not have the time or inclination for another man. My energies are now focussing on my children and myself; I’m setting the wheels in motion to hopefully go to college in February to do a Teaching Assistant course, and with that and the varying needs of three lively children I am fully occupied! Can’t imagine how I would fit a man into this at all!
I guess not a lot has changed for me really because we are still living in the family home. Financially the children’s dad contributes nothing (he can’t because he hasn’t got any regular income) so we’re currently living on income support, child tax credits and my very meagre wages as a cleaner at our local church! We have always been poor so I guess not that much has changed there either; the difference now though is that I know exactly what is coming in and going out of the house at all times, and if I want to buy something and I know I can afford it, then I can just buy it without having to ask permission or justify it to him! That feels very good.
I might chip in again later in the discussion if someone else says something which sets my mind off again!
November 29th, 2009 at 1:21 am
I completely agree that the difference, whilst still doing it all on my own was that I wasn’t seething with resentment when he told me he didn’t know what time he could get back and so it took away a whole load of unforeseen stress that made me feel SO much calmer. That and being able to make the decisions about the children without a constant battle…..I really get what you’re talking about Lx
November 30th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Imagining a new life without that person in it is scary. No reason to stay together though. I agree about single parenting. you don’t have to second guess your decisions as there is nobody to second guess to. i am not scared of being alone (okay a little) but I am scared of walking away too early and regretting it.
November 30th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Yes. If you don’t know what to do – don’t do anything….good advice when going through something very traumatic. You don’t want to make hasty decisions. Lx