AAAGH stress. I am having an “I am completely redundant moment”. On lots of different levels. No youngest child to look after, a daughter who is going clothes shopping with her dad instead of me, a son who doesn’t want me involved in upcoming open days and an ex husband who is about to replace me with wife number two. And STILL no maintenance cheque forthcoming.
My daughter thankfully has her last exams today, I can’t cope with her behaving like she’s doing a PHD and my caveman son is just bellowing a lot. He’s so loud. His last exam is tomorrow and then all hell will break loose. He will go MAD and I won’t see him for dust. He appears to have planned a summer of the most extreme hedonistic proportions imaginable.
The house is eerily quiet without my youngest child – he’s back tomorrow. Can’t wait to see him. Dog breath and all.
My daughter is meeting her father after school today to go and buy her dress for the wedding. I can’t obviously get involved with that. My feelings are a bit all over the place regarding the whole thing. It all just feels strange. The kids aren’t talking to me about it much although there must be a lot of excitement beginning to build up. All the children are doing readings. I suppose for me there are still all those feelings to deal with and let go of, about the loss of a dream. My ex husband’s imminent second marriage takes me right back to our own wedding day which still seems like yesterday and then I struggle to believe that my “the one” is marrying someone else – in a full on big white church wedding like we had. It makes me feel a little, um, shit, for want of a better word.
Oh well.
EVEN more depressing this morning is that I appear to have done such a good job of being a hands-off parent I have virtually made myself completely redundant in my 17 year olds life (for a minute – till he wants money or food). He got his ear pierced again yesterday and is talking about another tattoo. All my friends seem to be taking their firstborns off to university open days at the moment. Planning weekends away to bond with their teenagers and plan their futures – together. My son told me yesterday that he was going to two of them with a friend and that “no, mum, it’s fine, course you don’t need to come with me”. BUT I WANT TO GO WITH HIM AND I WANT HIM TO HOLD MY HAND THE WHOLE WAY ROUND. I want to point at things and have a majorly bonding moment and I could advise him on what subject would be best and where he should live and laugh about vomiting in the student bar and try not to feel too old….
Maybe it’s better if he goes on his own. Like he’d be interested in my embarrassing antics at the student bar (although I didn’t really vomit in the student bar). Anyway, my parents certainly didn’t take me on any open days, although I was in Hong Kong at the time, so it wasn’t easy. I’m not sure what’s best though. My expat upbringing is coming through. What am I supposed to do? Let him go alone or insist I tag along too? His life though. Not mine.
June 17th, 2010 at 10:33 am
You are right, there is nothing quite so eery as a home suddenly devoid of children. When ours go off on holiday with their Father, The Children’s Mother and I spend most of the first day wandering aimlessly round the house or garden staring vacantly into the distance, completely bereft.
The eldest, Jonny has stated that as long as we have a garage for his cars he is staying at home. (NB Note to self, change spec for house hunting to small farm WITHOUT garage!) but the eldest girl can’t wait to go to Uni. That will be a dreadful day, what if she never comes back?
Thinking of Uni, I don’t remember anyone offering to accompany me to college visits or interviews, I just packed myself onto the train and trotted off. Probably not though my choice, just the way it was then. The accompanied visit seems to be a fairly modern phenomenon.
The whole wedding thing must be very difficult for you I know Hilary found it hard, and the eldest two refused to go to their Father’s wedding.
June 17th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
I think that you are being very gracious through all that. Very considerate to your children’s feelings, since they are in the middle of this nonsense. You are fully entitled to be really, really mad. Mad isn’t bad.
A full on big white church wedding – can you even do that twice, unless one is a widower and the other half has never been married? I mean, how tasteless. You cheat on your wife, you get divorced, and then you get to do this big thing all over again, clean slate, relative with handkerchiefs to their eyes, children (this time your own) doing adorable things, your intended being escorted blushing down the aisle in a white, innocence signifying dress (!!!) by her father, again. Give me a break.
A little discretion would not have hurt them. If they really feel strongly about each other, this stuff shouldn’t matter.
The one instance that comes to mind is my best friend’s ex. When my friend married the guy, they had a very solemn, very beautiful, very touching church wedding. In the Russian Orhtodox church, it is supposed to be forever. I mean no second weddings allowed if you are a divorcee. After eight or nine years, the dude, who had blossomed from an awkward wallflower into an Antonio Banderas look alike with quite a swagger, thanks partly to my the confidence-boosting loving influence of my friend, found a great way to ensure that his looks wouldn’t wilt prematurely. He had caught the eye of a somewhat older nouveau-riche woman, three times divorced. She did not only want him to leave his wife and his daughter for her, but she insisted on a full blown church affair, I guess to guarantee her investment (she dressed him as a doll, bought him a yacht and I don’t know what else, and whisked him away to Florida). The Russian orthodox priesthood went along with this, strict and principled that they are.
Anyway, the other day my friend and I were chatting and laughing about this. Of course, it was very hard for her at the beginning, but the more pomp the newly married couple displayed, the more ridiculous they became. Now they really are more of a laughing stock than anything else.
June 17th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
I would ask son if you could drive him and mates there so that you can have a level of involement. As long as your involvement makes his life easier or adds money, he’s likely to let you!
That feeling of replacement of 1st hubby is pretty crappy isn’t it. It’s sort of hard to believe that they ‘really’ could ‘really’ love someone else the way they did you. It’s just so shitty. Go on a bender with the girls and remind yourself of all the crap the new wife will have to deal with – that should help ;0)
June 17th, 2010 at 4:53 pm
full on white wedding….thats sad, weird and totally inappropriate in my view..lm with jon here…a bit of taste and discretion would have been the order of the day…l think l would tear in two if l heard my ex was even seeing someone let alone marrying one…
l’m with you on the mother hands on version of the 21st century, however, l was knocked back in favour of Daddy! for each visit….today she told me she cant be arsed to go to uni now….l hope she changes her mind, she’s had her fill of 6th form and even though a prefect has not towed the school line..shes got a way with murder in my mind…but now l’m not entitled to a view it seems…just met her for coffee, after being stood up 5 times, and she had to rush off, cos Dad is fixing tea!! WTF!! out of a cardboard box no doubt..hey ho
sigh…
saz x
June 17th, 2010 at 11:45 pm
Oh, sorry Saz to hear kids doing an allegiance thing – I’m sure that will soon change…..don’t worry. Just hang on in there and keep doing that breathing we’re so good at!! Lx
June 17th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
I agree with Anna – totally tacky. Why would you even want to do all that again? – I bet they don’t last two years.
As for your 17-year-old, from a little distance it sounds pretty great that he’s independent and motivated. (Not that I’d see it that way if he was my little boy, of course!)
June 17th, 2010 at 5:03 pm
Agree with Anna – how tasteless. When I remarried, the New Husband and I got married at the ‘Mairie’ here in Brussels and I bought myself a very glam suit (to be recycled later!!) and we then had a bloody good party with our various children (grown up), family and close friends. As in France, you have to marry in a registry office first before a church wedding and the idea never crossed my mind to have a full blown church ceremony. And between us, who would go down the aisle in a white frothy dress looking all virginal at the age of 50+?
June 17th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
PS Forgot to say, on the ‘big day’ organise an outing with friends and don’t sit at home thinking about it. Even better, go away for the weekend – that way the honeymoon couple will have loads of kids to look after!!
June 17th, 2010 at 6:39 pm
Oh L….I’m very saddened to read this and I’m with Anna; – I can remember the first time around…(doesn’t seem like yesterday to me btw!…far too much water under the bridge since then), but for them to have a full on white/church ‘wedding’ affair is fantastically tasteless…Can’t believe they would want to do it anyway (I thought he at least was better bred), but I thought they couldn’t! They evidently have either lied or hoodwinked the vicar/parson/priest – whatever. Given that he broke his vows to you, you just have to wait until he breaks his vows the second time round and it falls to pieces. Take the moral high ground – dismiss this charade for what it is; tacky and tasteless…hold your head high, rise above it and just ‘tut’ when the children start to talk about it – and you and BB should go away for the weekend and eat, drink and…have a good time. x
June 17th, 2010 at 6:58 pm
aw shucks darlin’..everything sounds hard….like you’re watching your life on a movie or something…horrible. but yes…remember all the shit you had when you were back there…and as for teenagers…that too shall pass.. you are a FAB ma!!!! thinking of you. XXX j
June 18th, 2010 at 5:54 am
The teenagers will return. It comes with age. And as for the white wedding – what a tacky idea with more than a trace of ninny ninny poo poo. Stand above it, say nothing and be the one who retains their dignity.
June 18th, 2010 at 7:47 am
I’m trying….I’m trying….thanks Di Lx
June 18th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
I have a feeling I will be enduring this in the not too distant future. Spend it with friends, and if they don’t know him and can be totally bitchy so much the better. And drink gin obviously…
July 11th, 2010 at 9:52 pm
That you post to the resurgence of my heart, you saved me a pull pull cool cool heart!
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