My youngest and most sensitive child is feeling a bit low. He spends his life fluctuating between thinking life is brilliant one minute and thinking life is shit the next. I can go from being the best mum in the world where he buys me a Terry’s Chocolate Orange and hides it in my bed to somebody who has somehow managed to ruin his life in a millisecond.
He is feeling a little sad at school. Sometimes he decides that nobody likes him or wants to come back to his house for a play after school and then suddenly the whole world seems to be against him and he drags himself up the road to school and other times he positively bounces. This was not helped yesterday by being asked by his teacher to talk to another little girl in the class about how it feels to have separated parents. I think it’s a good thing that the teacher has asked him to talk about it, I hope he did manage to make her feel a little less isolated, but I’m not sure.
“Mum, she’s really sad. The teacher asked me to talk to her because her parents are just splitting up and he said that because my parents have already split up maybe I could help her. I didn’t know what to say to her. I told her that she had to just try not to think about it too much. To just get on with other things. She said did she just have to stick her chin out and I’m not sure what she meant, but I told her that it’s not easy and that sometimes I’m still sad about it”.
“That was really lovely of you to talk to her” I told him “and did you tell her that sometimes it’s not all bad? That you get to have two houses and more holidays and sometimes even new families to play with?”
“Well, no mum, I didn’t, because that is just not true. It’s not better to have any of those things. It’s worse. It wouldn’t have made her feel better”.
…and then my heart just breaks a little bit more for him.
January 28th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
It’s so difficult, isn’t it? Obviously children just want their parents together again, especially in the early days – they don’t want steps and halfs and two houses and all the things that, if they are smart, they will eventually manage to work to their advantage! My son was 7 when we split up and the ex swanned off, and compared to my circumstances, lived a far more glam life. I sat and listened to what Daddy had, done, said, bought and bit my tongue and when things were tough for my children, I used to say to them to try and get on with life and not to think about it too much … and of course eventually they did.
These words of wisdom eventually turned round and bit me as two years ago my ex dropped dead of a heart attack when my son was 16. So courageously he tries to get on with life and not to think about it too much, but I see that he is sad at times and needs to talk but can’t talk to me. I have suggested he gets counselling but he won’t go and I can’t force him.
I remarried last year and the belovèd son lives with us, he has started an apprenticeship, he adores the New Husband and basically things are okay. But it could have been better.
Time to stop as I am becoming maudlin and for once there is no-one in the house to talk to apart from the dog who only thinks he might get food out of me!
So please make your children talk about the situation – you too might well have to bite your tongue, but if they know they can talk to you, you are half way there!
January 28th, 2010 at 3:26 pm
That is so sad. Your poor son. My kids do talk to me but I know at the moment they feel there are certain things that are out of bounds – all the stuff they are doing with the new fiance, how they feel about her etc. I haven’t been quite ready to listen, but I’m getting there and thanks for your words of advice. It’s important that I get over it and bite my tongue where necessary!! Thanks Lx
January 28th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
Provided there is ample love from both sides, things ought to work out in the end. The roller coaster in the middle is the price we all have to pay. Regardless, it is better than staying together in a house of hate.
January 28th, 2010 at 6:42 pm
Yup. That is true. Lx
January 28th, 2010 at 9:19 pm
ah, mine too. mine too. enormous african warmed love hug to you all. XXX j
January 29th, 2010 at 12:54 am
I teach and can so imagine how that teacher thought your younger son would be of some help to the other child. He must put a very brave face on things at school but it made me realise sometmes when you think you know kids, really they always hold back a lttle bit of themselves.It must be sooooooo hard for them in the present situation to please both Dad and you but you know I think that the fact you know and understand how difficult it is speaks volumes for how it will all pan out in the end. Number 3 wont always be little and the eldest is already on the that solo track to adulthood and you know what, they are not idiots they will make their own minds up. At the end of the day you want them to be able to understand the situation that their parents are in and from what you have written before I think you’re doing a good job.
January 29th, 2010 at 7:41 am
Thanks Chris. I think it was right for the teacher to involve him like that. Yes. Very good that he talks! Lx
January 29th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
I wish wish wish we could protect our children from the sad realities of life.
Its one of the hardest things in the world for a mom.
(((hugs)))
January 29th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
I know. As a mother, it’s all you want to do. Wrap them up in cotton wool and hide them from as you say the harsh realities of life. Doesn’t work like that though, sadly. Lx