Family Affairs

I’m home! Hooray. I picked up two of my children straight away and took them to school and will see teenage troglodyte some time this afternoon when he wakes up, I suspect. We had a brilliant flight back. We got upgraded!! My friend very graciously suggested that it was thanks to my efforts to get my pilot mate to sort us out, but clearly he had completely forgotten and she is simply very, very important.

Sadly although the weather was lovely whilst we were there I don’t look like I’ve got any colour. I made a MAJOR amateur’s error and will have to sort out idiot behaviour before I start touting myself about as Spa correspondent for South East Asia.

I decided to try out a spa treatment at the Amari Watergate Hotel where we were staying. That way, I would have experienced two massages in Bangkok and be well on my way to becoming a spa expert. The spa itself was gorgeous. Serene and relaxing and just like the other one, very authentic. They asked me to choose my massage, let me smell the different oils and talked me through each treatment. They gave me ginger tea and flipflops and cold compresses and I was in heaven.

I chose a Balinese massage which involves using the palms of the hands more than the fingers, just to see the difference. A Balinese massage uses a combination of gentle stretches, acupressure and aromatherapy oils to stimulate the flow of blood, oxygen and ‘qi’ (energy) around your body, and bring deep relaxation and wellness (as you can see I am now an expert).

My error involved the body scrub I decided to try out, because that was what my friend had had on the day after we arrived. “You’re meant to do a body scrub when you ARRIVE, not when you leave” she laughed “you’ve completely removed any hint of a tan now”.

I hadn’t had a body scrub before. Personally I found it quite painful. Rather like being dashed against rocks for 45 minutes. I suspect it hurt because my skin had been in the sun. I thought it might be a good idea because as I haven’t got anybody around to scrub my back, I might have all manner of things stuck to my back and not know – like the time I had a massage and she peeled a “buy one get one free” sticker off my back that could possibly have been there for months.

I also didn’t really think about the intimacy of the whole thing. I’m used to having a massage that leaves your chest covered up. However, for the body scrub it seems you get your skin sloughed off in areas I wasn’t expecting. This proved to be hugely embarrassing for me because as she was rubbing green tea infused with sand grains around my stomach and breasts I began to feel a bit cold and what happens to nipples when they get cold? I was lying there thinking “OMG this is the least sexually arousing experience I have ever had and she is going to think I’m a complete pervert. Needless to say she finished that part of my body very quickly.

She peeled me off the bed to stand and have a shower. Covered in green slime and wearing a pair of disposable pants and a shower cap I lurched my way across to the shower – a true vision of beauty.

ANYWAY, the massage itself was amazing and this time I did fall asleep. For some reason I kept waking myself up by blowing out a teeny puff of air in a strange way. At the time I thought it sounded quite sweet – but I suspect that there was an enormous unattractive snort that came before the puff. I really don’t know how she managed to get up and down from the bed in such an effortless manner. I’d have made a real fuss of having to hoist myself up with crampons and hover above…

If I was very rich I’d employ somebody to do that to me every day (minus the body scrub) – it really is pure bliss.