Thankfully my oldest son has finished his exams now so that’s one less stress to worry about. Instead, I am swiftly moving on to mild hysteria about his upcoming “Gap year” travel plans. My friend came round today – she’s being much more hands on about sorting out visas and vaccinations and routes and stuff and saying things like “when are you going to the Thai Embassy and make sure you scan copies of the visas so that if they lose or get everything nicked they can still print out new copies from abroad”. I have done very little on the basis that he is now an adult and needs to sort it all out for himself, but, I’m not sure that is the right approach.

He appears to be basing half his trip on an adventure he’s heard about near Laos – “mum, it’s this really cool thing you can do which involves like getting into rubber rings and floating down a river and stopping off at loads of bars and drinking and then like moving down river to the next one and it’s like meant to be really amazing fun”.

I didn’t give it much thought apart from have a pang of jealousy, until I spoke to my friend in Australia who suddenly said “by the way, make sure that he doesn’t do that rubber ring thing that involves drinking in numerous bars on the way down a river because loads of people are dying and there’s a big thing all about it here – the alcohol they serve in the bars is massively potent and they get so pissed they drown”.

Shit.

So now what? Suggesting he doesn’t bother with that adventure isn’t going to make the slightest bit of difference I’m sure.

Sometimes being a single parent is ridiculously hard. Trying to manage the balance between being a concerned mother and a disciplinarian very often doesn’t really work. You sort of get wrong on every level. Half the time when I try and talk to them they either roll their eyes or fall about laughing. Of course I will tell him not to do it – but will it work? Unlikely. They are invincible at that age remember. Perhaps, when he leaves next month, rather than ask for regular updates or follow his journey via Facebook I might be better to totally pretend he doesn’t exist and hope for the best.

Like that’s going to work.

My Google search is full of things like “weather in Chiang Mai” and “the Great Barrier Reef hostels”. How do you get on with your life when you have a child out in the big wide world? I can’t bear the thought of him being away for FOUR MONTHS. Any advice on that subject will be most gratefully received.

Maybe I should go with him.

In addition I have many man jobs to do in my house. I don’t mean to be sexist – it’s just that I’m useless at putting up shelves and bleeding radiators. I can’t even get the bulb out of my bedside lamp so I have the whole thing sitting by the front door to take to the shop – I need to get a new bulb and ask them to take the old one out – it’s just that I’m a bit too embarrassed to ask.

My “man drawer” has grown over the years. I now have a tool box with a hammer I’ve never used and several spanners. There was a torch in it recently but one of the children has stolen it and there are also lots of nails but I don’t know where I would bang them in.

It’s hopeless.

Valentine’s Day is coming up and the children are all beginning to show signs of planning. I however am going to go into a massive sulk about not having anyone to buy anything for. Perhaps I should start thinking about posting anonymous cards to people I admire….it’s just that I can’t think of anyone at the moment. Except maybe Johnny Depp who I understand is recently separated. But that won’t work. He’ll be traumatised for at least the next 10 years.

My daughter has finished her mocks and is now planning her holidays post GCSE’s. These too are causing havoc with my mind. All that “WHY can’t I do this or that? You clearly don’t trust me at all” stuff. It’s so exhausting. When I was 16 I wasn’t allowed out past 10pm at weekends or even have friends round. This of course resulted in any bad behaviour being conducted elsewhere. So I know the drill. It’s better to keep them close. Know what they’re up to. But they’re all growing up WAY too fast.

Consequently I think it might be best if I and my youngest child move shortly to a monastery.

I can no longer cope.

Anybody know a good monastery that takes children? (and lets me drink and speak and buy shoes from time to time but not necessarily in that order).

“Don’t give up on your marriage” says Sir Paul Coleridge, who is launching a campaign to promote marriage and reverse the “appalling and costly impact of family breakdown” on children and society at large but in doing so appears to suggest that those of us who are divorced have not taken the children into consideration. What about when the marriage has lost everything you got married for – all trust and commitment? Is it good for the children to be brought up thinking that adults argue all the time or have no respect for each other? Is it really right to stay in an unhappy marriage simply because of the children?

“My message is mend it, don’t end it” he says “it is a complete scandal that so many children are currently caught up in the family justice system (3.8m). I agree with that, but perhaps, as a serving judge he should take some responsibility himself for the legal system that is partly to blame for the number of cases that come to court. There is not enough mediation and free advise available prior to having to go to court. Families are not clear about what it all involves and the costs escalate massively before they know it.

“Divorce is on the increase fuelled by a growing trend to divorce among “empty nesters” or “grey divorce” with couples no longer needing to stay together for the sake of the children who had left home. “It’s partly because we are living longer” he said and because “they think there is still time for a fling, but little do they realise that very often they are just inheriting a different set of problems.”

Surely in the silver brigade it is not all about “changing horses midstream” it is about realising once the children have left that you no longer have anything in common with your partner and have nothing to distract you from that. You find you both have more time to pursue personal interests and challenges and sometimes your partner isn’t interested in joining you on that journey. If that is the case, should you stay simply for the children? Would the children actually want that? Children are of course affected, but by then they have their own lives to lead.

Family breakdown is the “scourge of society” he said. “It affects everyone, from the Royal Family downwards. In about 1950 you weren’t allowed in the royal enclosure at Ascot (if divorced). That would now exclude half the Royal Family”.

“At Ascot??” Well here we have a man with his finger on the pulse of normal life. How many people go to Ascot these days? Who else wouldn’t have been allowed in to Ascot in 1950? A coloured person? A gay couple? A woman wearing trousers? THANK GOD things have changed and pretty much anyone can go anywhere these days (if they have the money of course).

“It’s a myth that children, even older ones, don’t care. They care greatly and a break-up shocks the whole foundation of the family, it never recovers”.

Where has he got that myth from? Who has said that? I have never spoken to anyone who hasn’t acknowledged that children care about family break-up. Of course they do. It is enormously tragic in many ways. But sometimes they are better off spending time with their parents separately because as a team they don’t work. Sometimes there is more peace in two households than one. Of course we don’t necessarily all look at the bigger “helicopter” picture for long enough but that is why there should be more help at hand to talk to couples both together and separately and to talk to the children to help reach a conclusion BEFORE getting to court. Way too many cases end up in court because of the lack of support received before that final step.

“We have to rid ourselves of this dream that we are going to find the partner who is perfect in every way: emotionally, physically, intellectually – it’s just a nonsense.”

WHAT DREAM?? Really? Is that what we all think? That there are a million other people out there for us? I don’t think so. Most people I know anyway don’t think that. They hope that. But they also realistically reach the conclusion that they can’t be with their partner any longer. That leaving their partner and being on their own is the best solution. Anything else is a bonus.

“Soon you find the new partner is as flawed as the last. It is like a hydra: you cut off one head and get rid of a boring partner but inherit 26 new problems, your new partner’s children, family and so on”.

Well yes, I can see that happening if you remarry again too quickly after divorce. It affects the children greatly if that happens, but not everybody does that.

“Of course, where a relationship has genuinely broken down….but there are a great many that are not at that stage”

Frankly, how can you comment on what “genuinely broken down” means. What is acceptable in a marriage to one person is not to another so how can you judge whether it is “at that stage” or not? It might seem that way at the time but not 3, 6, 12 months later or you might battle for years to save your marriage and never get it back. It’s a personal thing. It needs personal attention.

He has sat in court for 40 years dealing with the fallout “I get intensely frustrated: I see hundreds and thousands of people traipsing through the courts and nothing is being done about the problems that sent them here”

“Traipsing” through court makes it sounds like a stroll. It is not. By the time they are there they are most probably traumatised beyond belief and have felt there is no other solution. They will be paying an absolute fortune to all the lawyers involved. That is the scandal of divorce in this country. How much the lawyers charge. I suggest Sir Paul finds a way to make himself redundant. Help set up a system that can train more counsellors and mediators to offer free help to everyone that needs it.

He says do not have children unless your marriage is stable

How do you define “stable”? What happens when it is stable, you have children and then your boat is rocked by infidelity, dishonesty, betrayal, change of heart, you name it, it can happen……

“The system can’t cope – it is now 12 months before a hearing”

That is because the system doesn’t work. CHANGE THE SYSTEM.

We are nearly all in our forties. With children growing up. Suddenly things are going a little bit wrong. Our parents are getting sick, our children are less needy and more willful thus generously bestowing on us a vague feeling that we are losing control of our lives and what is more we haven’t really given much thought to how to deal with this stage – the bit in the middle before retirement, old age, slippers and death (hopefully in that order). It is at this crucial stage that many previously happy marriages go a little awry and from my personal experience everything can be blown out of the water and your life can dramatically change…or…..you somehow get through it and come out the other side pretty much intact if a little bruised and a little wiser.

Is this what is known as the classic mid-life crisis? Most of us got married a long time ago now. We met somebody we loved and wanted to spend the rest of our life with and merged and accepted our differences even if we had to compromise massively for the sake of that love. Then we had our children, got on with our jobs and now that we have (mostly) stopped making babies we have more time to look at the bigger picture. Generally speaking we have much to be thankful for – our health, our children’s health, more money, more confidence, less anxiety and so on, but we also have fewer choices because we are tied into marriage and children and responsibility and mortgages and all things grown up and consequently decisions to change our life at this stage may cause pain to many people. Many of us are looking now at what we’ve got and what we’ve achieved with a more critical eye. Is this what we really wanted? Is this really it? Was my ladder of life actually leaning up against the wrong wall? Or have we got to the top and realised we don’t like the view after all or discovered that it is a little lonely and empty up there.

I think what generally happens at this stage is that men and women return to type in middle age. I have two sons and one daughter. They have vastly different interests. My oldest son has a girlfriend and they get on very well but their interests are vastly different – they put up with that of course for lots of reasons. We’ve all been there, done that and it’s perfectly fine until we have stopped feeling the need to procreate the species. Once that period of time is over we can start enjoying the things we enjoyed before we united as a team and it can divide us. We say things like “we aren’t getting any younger”, “you’ve only got one life”, “this isn’t a dress rehearsal” and all those cliches that I hear almost daily these days that are only cliches because they were once “truths”. We are getting closer to death. Becoming more aware of the time we have left. Our hair is falling out or growing in all the wrong places. We don’t have the opportunities we had before. We are more cynical. Less romantic. Grumpy. Middle age is something we come to unwillingly – it’s not a place any of us would necessarily choose to be – it’s not like being 18 or 21 or at university and it is perceived more than slightly negatively. I think it creeps up on us. Then many of us fight against it. Buy inappropriate cars, clothes, some people choose to suddenly live inappropriate deceitful lives.

I have been analysing this stage for some time. This new “phase”. It seems to me that most people look at it with gloom rather than excitement. They feel trapped and consequently start examining the reasons for suddenly losing their way. My husband and I did that and examined and analysed each other and our marriage to death. Initially he said he was depressed about his life – but I question whether it was more to do with the horror of accepting he wanted to change his life. Stir it up a little. The feelings of misery are surely massively tied up with feelings of guilt about not being sure about wanting everything you’ve spent years working towards and building together.

Why do so many of us want to behave like teenagers again? Almost as if we have been cryogenically frozen for the last two decades and then allowed to re-emerge with serious arrested development problems. It was therefore with huge interest that I read an article about David Bainbridge yesterday, who is a clinical veterinary anatomist at Cambridge University and the author of “Middle Age – A Natural History”. He says “men’s interests do not change fundamentally between the ages of eight and 60 – with the exceptions of romance and sex. Instead, all that happens in middle age is that we become once again free to indulge ourselves. We have more money, some time and less fear of ridicule by others”.

He also says “all I know is that when I play Lego with my son I am not enjoying it in some ironic, post-modern way, I am enjoying it in exactly the same way I did when I was 10. So, these pastimes and preferences of middle age are not new found, they are our same old pastimes and preferences” and that to be honest is why I bloody hated playing Lego with my children. I thought it was a rubbish, boring waste of time as a child and I still do.

He believes in middle age as a definite stage of our lives, but he does not believe in the mid-life crisis – “middle age – those two healthy decades after the babies stop – is very real. Only humans have it, we evolved it, and we have enjoyed it for much of our species’ history. And why? We evolved middle age because we have always lived more complex lives than other animals – in the ways we acquire resources, socially and technologically. Unlike most animal parents, we don’t just give our children genes and calories, we give them our culture. That takes time, and quality time, too, which we cannot dilute by churning out yet more babies. We humans are an “information economy” and middle age is the time when we pass on most of that information – this is why middle-aged people like being listened to. So middle age is a very real and distinctive phenomenon, one central to the success of our species – which places it in stark contrast to the mid-life crisis, which turns out not to exist at all”.

I’m not sure I agree with that. The mid-life crisis may not be “a very real and distinctive phemonenon” but there are very real and distinctive triggers that set off a relatively stereotypical crisis amongst both men and women at this time of our lives:- mortality, desire for love, passion, kids leaving home, fear of change, fear of stagnation, money issues, elderly parents issues, boredom and so on and so on…..

It’s just all so sad and predictable. It happened to me. It’s happening to others. Everybody deals with it in different ways and of course because you have to consider your partner – it doesn’t always work out like you want it to. I don’t have any answers or any advice. Maybe if we were all more aware of the stage and better equipped to deal with it then perhaps the ripple effects wouldn’t be so great. Or perhaps we’d learn how to avoid the pitfalls. My life as a single parent is as a direct result of my husband’s actions and the consequences as I saw them. We could have both done things differently. I could have clung onto the sides of our little tin boat in the storm we had created for ourselves, instead of trying to tip it over and drown him whilst throwing lifejackets to my children. Or could I? At the time, I don’t remember his hand being there for me to hold on to. He was too busy holding on to someone else the other side. So. I. Let. Go.

Right or wrong?

I guess we will never really know.

But there is no point in mulling over the “what if’s??”. “It is what it is” (I hate that phrase) as we say and “it isn’t what it isn’t” for a lot of friends of mine at the moment. They have to work it all out. Slowly and painfully. Believe me, I don’t envy them. I wish I could help. But I can’t. I’m here though. For them and for anyone else who wants to drop in and leave a comment. Let me know what you think…..maybe we can make a better plan.

BTW – any of you out there who think I’m talking about you…..I’m not…..it’s somebody else….honest.

Doesn’t she look fab?

The package:-

The unveiling:-

The construction:-

My teenage son is currently gainfully employed as a labourer – not sure I’d employ him – not very hands on is he?:-

Oh sorry, my mistake, he is clearly the foreman doing a very important measuring job:-

Teen son in his default pose clearly texting for extra back-up:-

Phew he is now ready to get involved:-

How is it still standing?

Game over:-

To be honest, you can also play this game indoors – with my eyesight I would be much happier playing with pieces this size than those teeny weeny bits.

Here is the link to the jenga game http://www.gardengames.co.uk/acatalog/Mega-Hi-Tower-In-A-Bag.html and thank you very much to Big Game Hunters for letting us keep it once we’d reviewed it.

My son immediately got to work. Got me to drive to the specialist cake shop for icing. Got me to pay for it all. Got me to find all the equipment and buy all the other ingredients. Got me to relinquish my kitchen to a creative artist who has no idea about a system or control of mess. Got me to help with the tidying up.

But apart from the above, I take no responsibility for the fabulous outcome. He measured, whisked, poured, timed, rolled, cut out shapes, iced and shaped.

Impressive stuff from an 11 year old and dare I say it – his cake looks better than the one in the picture and what’s more it tasted delicious.

Go on – buy the book – give it to a child and get them to bake a cake for someone who remembers…..it’s only £2.50.

“And they called it Poppy Love” (sorry):-

Here’s the one in the book alongside:-

Other tempting recipes we will no doubt be testing out soon include an 11 0′clock Remembrance Day Victoria Sponge Cake (which this year must be eaten on 11/11/11 at 11:11 precisely:-

Here is the book – you can order it on poppyshop.org.uk and flossiecrums.com

She will be very pleased.

Here is what she wrote:-

WE WILL NEVER FORGET – 9/11

Ten years ago on September 11 2001, New York experienced the largest terrorist attack the world has ever seen. America and the world watched in horror as two hijacked planes flew into the Twin Towers causing them to collapse. This was to become the day that changed the world.

New York has recognised the ten year anniversary of this tragic day by holding a memorial service for the family members. It was incredibly moving to watch, especially when the names of all 2,977 people who died were read out by their families and friends. The memorial, which President Barack Obama and the former President George Bush unveiled, features waterfalls cascading into the place where the Towers originally were. It is a very peaceful and uplifting site, where those who died will be remembered forever.

Being in New York City this weekend has been an emotional experience. We have been involved in several different memorial services and I have interviewed a number of locals. One thing that shines through, beyond the horror of the terrorist attacks, is that it is clearly not just the Manhattan skyline which has changed forever. There is a spirit of hope, renewal and determination that has grown over the last ten years to make the Americans who they are today.

Ten years on, an eighty storey glass and steel tower called One World Trade Center is rising out of the ashes – the beating heart of New York is on it’s way back.

My daughter and I will be in New York this weekend. I am going to take her to visit Ground Zero and we will join the national act of rememberance. She is going to be doing an article about it for First News, the children’s newspaper.

We have been watching all the programmes on 9/11 this week. She has been taking notes. She was only 5 when it happened but remembers very clearly the details of the event.

More than 3,000 children lost a parent on 9/11.

Unbelievable.

They are going to be performing at the Richmond Theatre from Thursday 3rd November to Saturday 5th November 2011.

Here she is holding up her poster:-

Judging by the packed theatre full of very excited children it was a huge success.

It’s very sweet and perfect for very young children because of the strong colours and simple designs. They performed three stories by Eric Carle. “The Little Cloud”, “The Mixed Up Chameleon” and then the favourite “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”. The whole thing lasts an hour.

After the show there was a question and answer session and the performers came out to show all the children how the puppets worked. I was amazed to see that there were only two of them. They did a great job. My friend and I agreed we would have been rubbish. Tripping over and getting it all wrong.

Here are the artists explaining how they get the effect of the Caterpillar eating an apple:-

It brought back the most awful memory for me of proudly showing it off at school during show and tell. I had found it whilst digging for treasure in the bottom of our garden and was utterly delighted, as you can imagine. Told everyone. Nobody actually believed me so I insisted that many other friends come and we all furiously dig for the treasure trove I was convinced was there. Nothing else was found.

It wasn’t until some months later that I found the exact same one in my mother’s jewellery box. It turned out to be “the other one”. Even then it took me a while to work out what had happened. That she’d actually hidden it in the garden for me to find. I suppose it was quite sweet really, but I was absolutely mortified. The disappointment and humiliation I felt in believing it to be real treasure was huge.

I suppose it’s rather like when you discover the truth about Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny. It proved to be so huge a let down for me that it has always made me cautious of what lies to tell my children ever since.

What memories of your parents “untruths” do you remember that affected you hugely I wonder?