Children | Family Affairs and other matters

RED ALERT

Friday, March 23, 2012

My firstborn gap year teenage son rang me this morning from Thailand. "Hi mum, OMG guess what's happened?".... ...and my heart leapt out of my chest and into my throat yet again and that feeling lurches forward - the one all parents dread when they're terrified for their children's safety. The one my brother and his wife recently had when their 1 week old daughter went blue. The one I had when my 3 week old daughter had pneumonia and I was in hospital with her, of when she was 10 months old and was fitting and I picked her up in my arms and ran to the vets and they gave her oxygen and bundled us into a siren wielding ambulance. That feeling I had when my son had a general anaesthetic, when my daughter had swine flu, when yesterday there was a crash at the bottom of my road and I knew my son was not yet home or when I got a call from a parent who said "have you heard they've been in a fight and been arrested in Krakov" and you suddenly think about those poor boys who lost their lives on a bus in Thailand and so the list goes on - those things that make the hairs on your neck stand up and your heart pound. That feeling that is never far away when you are a parent, lurking just under your skin, ready to leap out at the first sign of danger. "WHAAAAAAT? WHAT'S HAPPENED??????" I say in manner of mad woman expecting the worst and visualising collecting passports and booking tickets and getting out there as fast as possible. "W forgot to bring me my new SIM card. I've got a new phone. We've all met up now and we're in Chiang Mai. Calm down mum. It's all good". FFS. This parenting business is going to give me a heart attack.

MOTHER’S DAY

Friday, March 16, 2012

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What are you all doing for Mother’s Day? Do you think Mother’s Day should be about spending the day with your mother or your children if at all possible or about being totally selfish and having a pampering day at the spa all by yourself?? I am in two minds about this. Mainly because this [...]

HOW TO PARENT

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

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I am having a parenting meltdown. Questioning all manner of stuff owing to all manner of stuff (sorry to be so vague). Without giving too much away I am beginning to seriously question what this parenting business is all about - in other words I am feeling a general overall incompetence that has resulted in my wondering whether I have anything of any real value to add to my children's lives - apart from the obvious initial crucial involvement I had at their being born at all. I mean WHAT ARE WE ALL HOPING TO ACHIEVE FROM ALL THIS TIME AND EFFORT???? Just to make things entirely clear(ish), my current take on life (today) is mostly all about the fact that I have a son I can't locate who may or may not be hanging onto a tree for dear life somewhere in New South Wales, caught up in the flash floods (see post below). Therefore, currently all I care about is that he and his girlfriend are safe. Ergo, perhaps the simple answer to the job of parenting is that our main aim is to ensure our children reach adulthood in one piece and hopefully outlive us. Once this has been achieved then perhaps we can add on the bits about hoping they will be healthy and happy and that we haven't f*cked them up too much in the process - which of course we will do whatever happens because that is simply how it is. Blaming your parents is an essential part of growing up and I personally like to use it all the time. I'm pretty sure that I'm traumatising my children on a daily basis - and that is before I take into consideration their complicated family scenario. I discovered yesterday that even my children's farts are my fault - "mum, my bodily functions are 50% genetic which is your and dad's fault and 50% environment - which is mostly your fault - so farting in public is entirely out of my control and you are completely to blame". Any parent will know that it's quite hard work keeping ridiculously inept children out of danger between the ages of 0 and 18 - we are the only mammals on the planet who have to spend YEARS rather than minutes, days or weeks looking after (mostly) ungrateful and incapable babies - but naturally we all do our best because most of the time we love them unconditionally even if we do lurch from overwhelming feelings of love to massive heart wrenching panic to pure rage from one minute to the next. This leads me on to question what role exactly we as parents should play in life. I know we are there to guide and protect and advise and all that stuff, but ultimately what is our aim? Has the burden of responsibility to be fully involved become too much? Are we too pushy and put too much effort into our children's lives these days? Don't they have to make their own mistakes? Is it our job to come down on them like a ton of bricks when they don't do what we expect them to do? Is it my job to force my children to do their homework perfectly, ground them, punish them - treat them like we know better when frankly most of the time we don't - or as a mother who professes to know my children is it better to look at a different approach. One that just might work with that particular child. I don't know. My idea of parenting is different to others, which presumably is fine because I can't say that I've noticed a particular style of parenting that has been massively more successful than any other. I get lots of advice from friends with children a few years older than mine. I don't think criticising one approach over another is appropriate. Who knows ultimately how they're all going to turn out? Every child is different and therefore although we are required to show consistency it is also important to recognise the needs of each individual - isn't it? It feels hard when you're divorced or separated because you have to do things on your own and then get criticised for it - but I wonder if sometimes it's easier than when there are two parents battling to find a solution that is agreeable all round. I grew up under the watch of very strict parents. I wasn't allowed my own opinions or allowed out much. Which meant that whatever I was going to do I did anyway, but without their knowledge. Behind their back. Away from my house. I remember burning with rage about the indignity of their rigid approach on many occasions. I didn't find my own voice or a friendship with them until I was old enough to buy them a drink in the pub - and then we became very close. Until then I thought adults were a different breed from another planet - people to be revered and a little bit scared of and looked up to because they had all the answers and then of course, I was gutted when it became clear that adults were no more sorted than children and in some cases way more messed up. I certainly don't want that level of adult/child relationship with my children because I didn't think it was fair and reasonable then and I still don't think it is fair now. They did what they thought was best obviously. But my approach is different. My children and I have a much more open relationship and I believe that honesty and respect is key and anyway, what is really so wrong with wanting your children to like you as well as love you down the line? I realise that we shouldn't muddle up the role of "parent" compared to that of "friend" but surely there is nothing wrong with the edges being blurred from time to time. Children don't want parents to be friends - that can be very embarrassing and anyway they've got their own friends to talk to about relationships and so on but I do want them to feel they can talk to me about anything and I do want to have fun with them. I discussed this with two girlfriends last night and we agreed that the following points were important in modern day parenting:- 1. Unconditional love 2. Availability 3. Interest 4. Warmth and being cared for 5. Honesty 6. The need to respect each other 7. Consistency 8. Mutual trust 9. Communication 10. Lots of wine Basically we agreed that it was OK to let children see that ultimately you're a good person with faults. All you can do is try your hardest and never give up. You can have a grown up relationship with your children that still stays where it should in terms of parent/child dynamics. Children need boundaries, it makes them feel safe and loved. They deserve to know the truth about situations because that is better than being shut out and fearing the worst. Communication is vital obviously and it's a particularly fine balance giving them the opportunity to be listened to without them thinking they have all the control. It's a minefield. I make mistakes. Did this weekend. All I can do is talk to my children and hope they understand. We, as parents have a huge role to play but at the end of the day when we have done the best job we can under difficult circumstances we want them to embrace the world with open arms - to love life, dance, experiment, work hard, be happy and in amongst all that living I want to be part of it - I want them to want to phone me and come and see me and still go on holiday together because we actually all really, really like each other. Is that too much to ask do you think?

SINGLE FOREVER?

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

17 Comments

I have woken up on this leap year day feeling miserable. I can't think of one spectacular thing to do today that isn't inappropriate (a tattoo is very tempting for some bizarre reason but ridiculous) and have nobody to propose to, so instead I have been fretting, since 5am, about where my life is going and what I'm going to do about it all and worrying about everything. Five years ago, almost to the day my Decree Absolute came through. When I had counselling pre my divorce the counsellor used to ask me where I wanted to be in five years time. I think I must have been visualising clear azure waters and pale sand and warm sun so hard that my wish has actually come true - it's just that the bloody genie got the wrong person and it's my son that is the lucky recipient of my mental powers because he is the one who is currently floating around the Great Barrier Reef and off to Airlie Beach and thinking he's in heaven. NOT ME. Which is FINE. OBVIOUSLY. I AM VERY HAPPY FOR HIM. I can't be there, I have other children to look after. Responsibilities. Work to do. Bills to pay. Daily life to lead. Issues to deal with. Things don't feel at all right at the moment. I have mucho worries. My mother, whilst being supportive isn't helping the situation. When my father was alive I'd ring him to discuss my latest drama or concern and he'd talk me through it step by step. He'd come up with a practical plan. Give me some solid advice. For the last few months, because of the issues I am dealing with the moment (that cannot be openly discussed for various reasons) she mostly sighs a lot and says "What a mess" in lots of different ways. Like, "WHAT. A. MESS" or "what a meeeesssssssssss". It makes things feel worse somehow. Time is going by and I appear to be making no progress. I have a number of friends teetering on the verge of separating from their partners at the moment. I don't feel like I am able to give them any positive advice about the future. Yes, we all know people who have found their soulmate later in life and couldn't be happier, but it's not particularly common or realistic. It's a big scary world out there and it is changing rapidly. There are many more younger single women around - those who took it for granted that they would spend their 20's and 30's finding themselves and building their career and having fun are suddenly finding that there are not too many men left waiting for them as they reach the stage of wanting to settle down. Kate Bollick wrote a very popular article in The Atlantic Magazine recently all about the sea change afoot that is "every bit as wrenching and irreversible as the Industrial Revolution". "Immensely liberating and immensely scary - when it comes to what people actually want and expect from marriage and relationships and how they organise their sexual and romantic lives, all the old ways have broken down". 43% of Generation Xers think that marriage is becoming obsolete and many haven't dealt with the matter "in a timely fashion". This new scarcity of suitable men she says "disrupts what economists call the 'marriage market' in a way that in fact narrow the available choices. This shrinking pool of traditionally 'marriageable' men is dramatically changing our social landscape and producing startling dynamics in the marriage market". She also says that when confronted with "a surplus of women, men become promiscuous and unwilling to commit to a monogamous relationship". Her opinion is that the "the more successful a man is (or thinks he is) the less interested he is in commitment". She as a gorgeous, clever, nearly 40 year old woman who has had to accept that she might always be single and is learning to accept that prospect and thrive on her own. But. Where does that leave the single ageing divorcee parents? In a very messy world with few choices and all sorts of added complications to consider I suspect. I DON'T HAVE A PLAN and I feel I've lost my way a bit of late. Time is rushing by and I am not in control. I don't want to take up sailing or Karate to find a partner. In fact I don't really think I want a partner at all but the danger is that the more I get used to my own company the more difficult it will be to let someone else in....and that is just in my fantasy world of assuming there is anyone out there suitable enough (i.e. single, own hair, teeth, friends, not too much baggage, doesn't snore, have horrid feet or an STD, that I can trust). I think I might just go back to bed. Perhaps I just got out of the wrong side of the bed. You can do that when you sleep in a double bed on your own. I'll try the other side tomorrow.

LUCY LOVES: “NOT YOURS” PLATE

Monday, February 27, 2012

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My brother gave me this little plate for Christmas. Just what I need when there are children around that don’t get what’s mine is mine…..although it’s not large enough to put the entire contents of my house on, sadly.

UNDER SIEGE

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

5 Comments

I am feeling a little bit under siege in my own house. Perhaps it’s because it’s the end of January and i haven’t successfully managed to start any of my New Year’s Resolutions yet and things feel a little, well, shall we just say, chaotic. I don’t feel organised for the year ahead. Haven’t got [...]

D-DAY – BIGGEST DAY FOR DIVORCE PETITIONS TODAY & SIR PAUL’S COMMENTS ABOUT MARRIAGE

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

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Today is the busiest day of the year in the divorce calendar. Post Christmas stress and guilt about announcing intentions before the holiday means that there are double the amount of petitions for divorce in January and particularly today – the first working day of the month. How depressing. Not helped, in my opinion by [...]