DIVORCE | Family Affairs and other matters

DIVORCE HOW TO – DO HOLIDAYS

Sunday, July 10, 2011

This is proving to be an ongoing nightmare. You would think by now that I'd have got a little more used to the stress of sorting out holidays with and without the children now that I've had a few years practice in being divorced. This year feels almost like the worst so far. I don't know why that is. I have left it all to the last minute because I didn't have everybody's dates available until now. Perhaps its because of all the uncertainty and stress going on around me or perhaps it's because my oldest child had made lots of plans himself which I have had to take into consideration. OR perhaps it's just because, like many people this year I don't seem to have enough money for an overseas holiday with the children. Everything, especially flights are so expensive, which is odd given that Portugal has just been downgraded to "junk status" (which seems just rude to me) and Spain and Italy risk being drawn in to the deepening eurozone crisis if a Greek default does indeed cause a market meltdown. Italy is of major concern at the moment as yields on Italy's government debt hit their highest levels yesterday for nearly a decade. So. I still haven't sorted out my summer plans. Which is frustrating me. Especially given that my kids have already broken up from school and those endless weeks ahead seem to just looooom in a vast empty expanse of mouths saying "I"M BORED!! THERE'S NOTHING TO DO. WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY?" . I need to make some plans. Various friends have invited us away with them but for the most part the dates sadly haven't worked - either I've been invited to go away without the children when I have them or vice versa. Builder Bloke always, always goes to Portugal. It's where he has a family villa. This year for the first time he doesn't have access to it, which has caused huge problems for him because his children love going there. We were both looking at places nearby to rent but have recently discovered that their father and his new wife have chosen Portugal for their holiday destination so now I don't want to go. Not because I'm being childish, but because I genuinely don't think it's right for the kids to have two weeks with us and a week with them in the same country - it doesn't make sense. To me it feels like the worst sort of competitive parenting and we've been there, done that in the first year of divorce when we both took them away several times. Also, because they're having a foreign holiday and then a UK holiday with their father, do they actually need a third big one with me? I don't think so. I would love to go somewhere where we can have a good time together and get away (as long as it doesn't involve camping in any way shape or form, unless it's at a festival), but maybe they'd be just as happy staying at home and having a quiet time. Personally I'd like to take them to an Orangutang sanctuary - shame all the bloody orangutangs live so far away. THEN I've got the dilemma of what to do when I'm on my own for the two separate weeks they are away on holiday. MUCH cheaper to get just myself somewhere, but where? What to do? Again, I will probably go and stay with some friends - it's important to be busy when the kids are away or I will just mope about wondering if they're coping without me. I'm on a waiting list for a writing course, but would quite like to go and walk in China or climb a mountain or do something cultural or not do something cultural and lie on a beach for a week - I might even be ready to go and do something by myself as long as it's in a group of "single" (and I say that in the loosest possible terms - not partnerless necessarily - it would have to include those people who don't like going on holiday with their partner, have different interests, different holiday times, bla bla)... Anyone got any bright ideas? I would also be interested to know if anybody has any useful tips for helping the kids get through the minefield of divorced/separated parents and their holiday plans. Arianna Huffington, for example wrote an article about how she and her ex husband successfully manage to go away together with their children every summer and Christmas. I wonder if that would work in our case. Perhaps I should suggest it. All six kids would be happy, their parents would all be in the same place, albeit with swapped around partners. Hmmm.

PEDICURES

Friday, July 8, 2011

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Phew. My youngest child had his 11th birthday yesterday and I think he had a good day. I worry more about their birthdays since I have been divorced for obvious reasons. It is hard to get it right. To know whether to attempt to all get together or work out a way for him to see both parents separately without feeling anxious. Last year the five of us went out for a meal, this year, I'm not sure we would have managed that. Apart from anything else, both his older siblings are away on holiday so it was just him and me in the morning and I was really worried he would be upset. His missing brother and sister had gone to great lengths to make him feel special and I was impressed. The 18 year old had actually bought him a card and a present. He'd apologised for being away and offered him 2 x tennis lessons and 2 x personal training sessions in addition which was very sweet. My daughter texted him throughout the day. He'd had his party the week before when we were all together and my mother was here - a movie party with the surprise arrival of the inordinately popular ice cream van, complete with that wonderfully evocative plinky plonky music that immediately makes me salivate. It even brought out neighbours on my street to buy ice creams. As somebody who has managed to get through a lot of children's parties (43 and counting) I would HIGHLY recommend the Movie Party. All you need is a good DVD, individual bags of popcorn and sweets and somebody to keep popping into the room to calm them down. Then, for the most part you can sit about in another room with your friends and family being smug that you don't have to do much (apart from hoover up much popcorn at the end). After the film you give them all a hot dog and a piece of cake and send them on their way. Job done. They all loved it. So. His birthday list went something like this:- Gun Money Exploderz (Watergun) Phone Fishy Feet Boxing lesson (private) Surprises (lots) Small presents Money He didn't get a gun. His uncle bought him a fab water gun and he did get his phone. He also got a boxing lesson and a few surprises - I bought him a pack of Arsenal playing cards, although, much to his disgust it turned out to be Liverpool so I must go and sort some glasses out for myself soon. We went out for breakfast to Giraffe which is a brilliant restaurant with kids for breakfast. We always have the pancakes. Then we went and bought his new phone and after that we had the fishy feet experience he had requested. A pedicure given by loads of tiny little fish. SO WEIRD. The first 30 seconds were slightly horrific. Tickly and unusual. I wasn't sure, but got used to it. What would happen, I wonder, if you accidentally fell asleep with your feet in the water and woke up the next morning. Would they have carried on eating all your dead skin until you were left with skeleton feet? I was, I have to say slightly worried that they would all float to the top having gorged on all my dead skin, but they seemed to cope admirably. Not sure I liked the idea of another person having to put their feet in that water. Yuk. It worked though. My feet feel very smooth. My son enjoyed it hugely, just for the experience so that was good. I actually can't show you a picture of my feet taken from above because they are so revolting, so here is a shot taken of a friend's feet instead:- and here is my son's hand in the water being nibbled:- After that we went home and set up his phone. His father arrived to collect him at 4pm and off he went to spend the evening with his new family. I think it all worked well for him. He's come a long way this year. After a dodgy start at his new school it all fell into place and I think he's feeling pretty happy with life at the moment. He's managed to lose a lot of weight too. Sheer willpower and some positive reinforcements have helped. He was ready to make it happen, which is half the battle. Last weekend I had 10 EXTRA people staying overnight - it was a massively busy weekend. But in about an hour his father is going to pick him up for the weekend and I'm going to be on my own. From one extreme to the other. I know which one I prefer, however, I'm exhausted so I might just sleep all weekend.

IS DUCK THE NEW CHICKEN?

Monday, June 27, 2011

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I feel exhausted. Two 50th birthday parties, one blogging conference and an emotionally draining day with Builder Bloke has left me feeling a little frail. Of course most of it was lovely, birthday parties and catching up with old friends. The children were with their father and the sun was shining……and yet, still, here and [...]

DOES DIVORCE INEVITABLY DAMAGE CHILDREN?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

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Interesting article in the Huffington Post by Joseph Nowinski:- Most divorcing parents’ greatest fear is the effect it will have on their children. These fears have their origin in a time when divorce was a rare event. Fifty years ago, children from divorced parents were commonly described as coming from “broken homes,” and they had [...]

“GOOD MUM” VS “BAD MUM”

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

28 Comments

I have been blogging now for four years. It has become so much a part of my daily life that I didn’t even make everybody do a little cyber-round-of-applause on it’s birthday this year (Easter Sunday – ate it’s Easter eggs because it might get fat otherwise) because it sort of got boring talking about [...]

A LIFE IN A DAY

Monday, May 9, 2011

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As I have said on many occasions, my heart often aches for my children and for what they have to go through in order to manage the minefield of divorce and our particularly unusual situation. It is not easy for them and I quite often wonder how all our children are going to cope in [...]

CHILDREN AND DIVORCE

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

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My youngest son had a spectacular melt down on Monday morning before school. I've been thinking about what that can have been about and I have come to the conclusion that "we fuck them up" as parents at the best of times, but when their parents are divorced or separated and they are living in separate houses it is even worse. Regardless of all the personal issues all six children involved in our equation have to deal with, it is the very fact that they have to live in two separate houses that must be difficult for them all. I gather, from speaking to friends who remember the scenario from their own childhood that the most difficult part is the transition from one parent to another - adapting from one to another. No doubt, once there all is well, they know what to expect and get on and enjoy it. They are in a different but familiar world. But, when those two worlds collide, albeit on doorsteps, it causes upset all round. Especially if you are dropped back like a small package and expected to get into school clothes, grab your stuff, turn around and get on with your day in the next five minutes. Children need routine and familiarity and Sunday nights are an important time for school kids to get their heads in gear for the week ahead. Builder Bloke even acknowledges that his children should be back in the maternal home at a reasonable hour on Sunday evening so that they are calm and together for school. So after what was no doubt a lovely weekend spent with his father and new family he ended up staying there at the last minute on Sunday night because of logistics and was then tired, emotional, not feeling 100% and discombobulated when he was dropped back on Monday morning. Seriously. It was not good. We need to avoid that in future at all costs. Anybody else got any tips for how to make the transition as easy as possible?