Friends | Family Affairs and other matters

HOW TO SURVIVE DIVORCE

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I wrote this post some time ago, but I've been asked to provide an update. As per usual, I am so definitely not in a position to write a post on "How To Survive Divorce" because I am certainly no expert on the matter. Sometimes, even quite far down the line you wonder how you could have got to this position and why certain things still seem so huge. Dividing the sum of your marriage, kids and all is spectacularly painful. Children will always make things seem a million times worse. There are times when you feel you want to climb back into your nuclear family marriage just to make your children's life feel easier. Of course it helps if you get on. If the financial situation is sorted out so that you are both happy (which is very rare) it helps hugely but the usual default setting is that both the finances and the children are used as weapons of mass destruction and therefore just when you think all is calm something else gets hurled your way. It's an ongoing battle in our case. Lets hope that doesn't apply in yours. ANYWAY. BACK TO THE POINT. I have my annual advice for those of you considering this daunting prospect. It's Blue Monday week - the most depressing time of the year so here are some pointers to help you on your way:- HOW TO SURVIVE DIVORCE (hopefully) 1. Your friends (and family if you're lucky) will get you through it more than you will ever know. Don't ever take them for granted but make sure you surround yourself with them wherever possible. They will be there with you on your long journey back out of the black hole. 2. Be prepared. You are in for a long hard slog. Get a good lawyer. Rumour has it that it takes half the time you were married to begin to get over your marriage. If that is too awful a prospect then bank on it taking AT LEAST four years. The first year is almost better than the next one because you will no doubt be a little unhinged and angry in the first year - so try not to behave too irrationally. The second year can be your reality check and it's all highly depressing because not only are things just as hard but you're exhausted from Year One. If you're lucky, by Year Three the drama has died down a bit and hopefully by year 4 you are able to see the wood for the trees and can finally start reassessing your life. 3. In the early days make sure you get out of bed every day. Sometimes your body feels so heavy it won't move. It would have been so much easier to curl up into a ball, ignore the kids and have a quiet nervous breakdown in a corner somewhere. But it doesn't work like that. You have to "face the dragon". Deal with the shit. Go to the meetings. Brush your hair. Remember to eat. Remember to breathe. Pick your kids up from school. Put your make-up on. Fill out that complicated form. Go to that party on your own. Do the stuff you dread. You have to. It will make you stronger and consequently it will all get easier. You will do most of it on automatic pilot and then be amazed with yourself that you got through it. I managed to learn how to be a fitness instructor on autopilot, during my most traumatised time. It saved me from myself. 4. Be kind to yourself. My old school friend wrote to me at the beginning of the whole process. She told me to do just that. To treat myself as if I was going on a date with myself (which frankly had no appeal whatsoever - I hated my own company - thankfully she invited herself along on most occasions which helped hugely). Have a massage, or go to an exhibition or a film on your own. Put yourself higher up your list of priorities. Sometimes it pays to be selfish. Try not to feel sad that you have no one to do things with or to buy you presents, buy yourself some stuff. Treat yourself to things. It's important. Do the things that give you pleasure and forget the rest. Go on a cooking course, a knitting course, ride wolves, sail, play poker, write a book. Whatever. It. Takes. Buy a big comfortable bed and spread out in it by yourself. Learn to enjoy the solitude for a minute. 5. Cut the crap. Don't go to everything. Do some sifting. Do the stuff that makes you happy for whatever reason. Let go of the social events that no longer work for you and of the friends that take more than they give. Drop the stuff that's taking up too much time and getting you nowhere. 6. Most importantly keep your sense of humour. You will find that different friends are there at different times and for different reasons. Some can take you out and make you laugh and push you in at the deep end of your new scary life. Others are there for when you find your feet again and want some semblance of normality. It won't always be funny, but there is always a funny side to be found. A different perspective to look at. Sometimes, when you look at what is going on in the rest of the world and what other people are going through, having the time and space to mourn for your marriage is almost an indulgence. I am still a very lucky person who has three lovely children and a roof over my head and lots of fantastic friends and lots of lovely stuff to do and, and, and, and another year has gone by in a flash. It's cold in London at the moment but maybe just try to remember that "in the kingdom of hope there is no winter".

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

Sunday, December 25, 2011

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Dear all, In haste, this is just a quick note to wish you all a Happy Christmas – or as the Archbishop Of Canterbury recently said, “I wish you all a Messy Christmas”. Which in my case is what it will be. It is early Christmas morning and it is only my mother and I [...]

MATT LEBLANC NEWS (& ME…..THE TRUTH)

Monday, October 31, 2011

8 Comments

OK!! So it wasn't quite as cosy as it looked. I now need to reveal the whole truth and show you the full photograph before my friend never speaks to me again for cutting her out. We were having dinner with some friends on Saturday night. Their son was cooking us a three course Cordon Bleu meal because he needs to practice his chef skills. My son and Builder Bloke's son was there too along with about six other adults. At some point during the proceedings I picked up a text from above mentioned friend. Before even thinking about whether it was inappropriate behaviour or not I shouted out - "OMG Matt LeBlanc is in the pub just round the corner - we have to go!! Who's coming with me?" Up got the chef, my son, BB's son and off we went - "Back soon!" just need a quick photo' I said, but still, HOW RUDE!! Anyway, at the pub we were all attempting to do a casual not really stalking you Matt sort of lean against the bar stance but it wasn't a good look and we all worked out that our best chance of success was if we sat outside and waited for him to come out for a fag. He was with about six friends having a lovely time and we obviously couldn't just go up and disturb his evening. There was barely anybody else in the pub. Nobody else appeared to have even noticed him. Anyway, we had to sit outside for ages - some of the smokers in our group were attempting to blow smoke through a window near where he was sitting to entice him out. "BLOODY HELL, how long is he going to be? Why can't he be a massively heavy smoker? It's been at least 25 minutes since his last one"...... Then success. My friend inside texted "FAG!!". Honestly. It was a finely tuned plan. Worked wonders. But of course when he did finally come outside with his mate for a quiet chat and a fag it was me that had to pounce - mostly because the only way I was going to be able to justify abandoning my friends mid mouthful was by pretending it was essential material for my blog. Also the teenagers were way too cool to do anything but sit there and ignore him even though for my son "Friends" has been his all time favourite programme ever whilst growing up. So I marched up, apologised profusely for disturbing him but asked if I could take a quick photo of him with my son and I was trying to be cool ish and then my friend came up and went "actually my daughter loves you more than her son so can i have a picture too and then my son arrived and was ridiculously uncool - shaking his hand and telling him how much he loved him and what an inspiration he'd been and then the other two boys came up and they all shook hands with him and he was totally surrounded. So we took our photos and skipped away. Back to our party. He was really lovely about it but I felt bad because we sort of started a little mini tsunami of photo opportunites from all those people in the pub who had pretended not to notice him. Oh well. Perhaps if you're paid £1m a show you have to be prepared for a little bit of that. Anyway, here is the full photo, disappointingly. Although I have to say he does seem to be leaning more towards me. Is he single? I forgot to ask him.

MATT LEBLANC NEWS (AND ME)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

14 Comments

OMG SO excited.....look who I was with last night:- It's not quite as simple as that.....but I'm just giving myself a little moment of pure pleasure before I tell you the whole story.

IS DUCK THE NEW CHICKEN?

Monday, June 27, 2011

7 Comments

I feel exhausted. Two 50th birthday parties, one blogging conference and an emotionally draining day with Builder Bloke has left me feeling a little frail. Of course most of it was lovely, birthday parties and catching up with old friends. The children were with their father and the sun was shining……and yet, still, here and [...]

STRANGE TIMES & WHAT TO WEAR AT THE DERBY

Sunday, June 5, 2011

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Strange times. Must be something in the water, or perhaps we are all just getting old and our lives are just getting more and more complicated and odd. Lots of friends are going through stuff. One girlfriend has just had a nipple transplant. Thats not something you’d be prepared for is it? I used to [...]

“CENTRAL PERK” LONDON

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

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I’ve just been in Central London at a work function and directly opposite the building was a version of the “Friend’s” cafe. It’s in Soho – Broadwick Street, but I think it’s only there for a couple of week’s to celebrate Friend’s 15 year anniversary. Look at how many people were queueing round the block [...]