We have had the most lovely two weeks whilst my ex husband and BB’s ex wife were away on their honeymoon, with all our merged children getting on famously. Portugal was a huge success and last week BB’s children were around some evenings. We went to the cinema, had BBQ’s, all got on – it was all very calm and lovely and now I have to remember that BECAUSE IT’S ALL GONE WRONG ALREADY.
The honeymoon couple arrived back this morning and within the first half an hour all hell had broken loose. I feel like a child whose parents have inadvertently returned to spoil the party. Both of them have sent texts requesting that we drop the children off with them at their house. Well for a start, my ex has moved much further away and when he did so, promised that it wouldn’t affect me. Five children were sleeping here, all exhausted after an aborted attempt to sleep in a tent in my garden. I didn’t think after they’d been away for two weeks on their own that it was reasonable to expect me to drive them all there – anyway I can’t fit them all in my car. Builder Bloke had to go to work. So I suggested that he pick them up from here when he was ready. No rush. He was cross. For some reason she drove up in convoy. I don’t know why – they could all have fitted in his car and then instead of getting out to say ‘hi’, thanks for having my kids for two weeks and especially thanks for sitting at the hospital with my oldest son for over three hours to get him antibiotics for an ear infection”, she just drove off without getting out of the car.
I thought that was rude. I was civil to my X – asked him how his holiday had been etc and then said “shame she didn’t come and say hello”…..
An hour later he called to say “you mumbled something about her not coming to say hello – I don’t think she should have bothered – you have made it very clear you don’t want to see her until we’ve sorted the finances so why would she?”. I pointed out I meant I didn’t want to have a sit down meeting with her, but being civil at the doorstep when all the children are around is a very different matter. Anyway. Welcome home. My blood is already boiling because it’s all so unnecessary. WHY all the need for calls and rude texts? Why couldn’t they have come back from their honeymoon aiming for some sort of amnesty thanks to their new found sense of calm?
Nevermind. The children are now with them for the week and what a difference a year makes. Last year he took them to South Africa. The year before that they were in the States. This year, owing to his honeymoon, they are just going to be staying at his house. They are not overly happy about that but I’ve told them they will have a lovely time. They’ve already been away and hopefully if the weather is good they can have friends round and lounge about the pool. I’m sure it will be lovely for them all.
I am actually looking forward to my week off. I anticipate that I will see a fair bit of my two older children who will no doubt be popping in and out. I’m not going anywhere either. I’m staying at home to work. Sort my life out. Write. See BB without the kids and generally enjoy a little bit of space.
Please let it all calm down soon.
August 9th, 2010 at 6:27 pm
I honestly don’t think I could have survived all the emotional upheavals and betrayals and nastiness that you have gone through these past months. I sometimes feel I shouldn’t be reading some of this blog as it’s so personal and raw. But it’s very honest and, from where I’m standing, you’re trying to be fair all round. I admire how you’re trying to make the best of what is a tough situation. So, now, enjoy yourself! Easier said than done, I know.
August 9th, 2010 at 8:31 pm
Thanks DD – you’ve been a huge support from the beginning – even though I know you’ve found a lot of it hard to read – I am perhaps a little too honest at times, but still – I really appreciate your lovely sensitive male perspective and am just very pleased for you that you have such a lovely family yourself!! Lx
August 9th, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Life can just be so shit, there is no need at al, no need. very immature on their part.
August 9th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
I have read the stories regarding your ex and the re-marriage AND the maintenance with a little sense of deja vue. Please continue to fight for your children. I have been there as a child and had to deal with always being second best to the new marriage. My mum wasn’t strong enough to challenge maintenance issues and it truly is horrid to be there at the new house and see the new step siblings have all the financial benefits, especially holidays! I know each situation is unique, but sometimes feelings and emotions in response to these are not. The behaviour of my father (who also had an affair) has meant a very distant relationship with years of not seeing him. While we have contact now (mainly due to a non-evil stpemother) it is strained. What my father cannot understand is that my mother has tried her hardest not to enforce her own opinions of situations of us. My father was never spoken off negatively. This has meant that when I have stood up to my father and his behaviour, it has been from my own perceptions (yes I was a teenager and can see now, as a 30 year old, that this may have been clouded by hormones).However, I see even more now, especially with the hope of having children soon, that what he did was wrong. In a long winded way (sorry!) your children (especially your youngest) will work everything out for themselves with your support.
August 9th, 2010 at 8:29 pm
Thanks for the advice – yes, I think stand up for my children as much as possible – this I have learnt to my detriment regarding their wedding when I tried to leave my kids alone for a minute and then my daughter felt totally abandoned by me – I will do my very best for them and as you say all we can do beyond that is hope that between us we can produce lovely people in the world that are not too f*cked up by all the mess and that have a sense of right and wrong. Great if they get on with both of us. I don’t wish them to fall out with anyone. I would just like a truce. Lx
August 9th, 2010 at 8:17 pm
One thing that I’ve noticed is that your ex-husband certainly mulls over your every word. Like today, you only said:”shame she didn’t come in etc…”, a fairly casual remark (even if it has some bigger issues underlying it), and he obviously spent an hour thinking about it, before calling you and justifying her behaviour. Either you are in his head an awful lot for somebody who is so freshly and happily married, or he is preparing for the legal battle. Be careful with everything you say.
August 9th, 2010 at 8:25 pm
Yes I agree. Be careful what I say Lx
August 9th, 2010 at 8:52 pm
If she couldn’t bring herself to be civil, I would say that, despite being just married, she still sees you as a threat. My guess is she hasn’t managed to step over the ‘yes he has a past with another women and hey she did all the marriage thing with him too’ also I wonder if she also doesn’t like the fact that you are with BB. It’s a double win for you. You had her new bloke first and now you have her old one ;0) you must be top dawg!!!! I also wonder if your ex is under pressure to make sure he shows he is putting her first at every step, if he was seen to be taking the wrong side maybe she is a pain with him. I also agree with Anna, watch your every word with the legalities still not resolved.
It sounds like you are trying to be civil and reasonable and that is the way to self peace and a good nights sleep. Keep doing what you know is the right way to behave. The kids will benefit, you will (in the long term) will benefit. Just keep on counting to 10 (x10)!
August 10th, 2010 at 11:08 am
Thanks Sally – some v good points and advice there. Lx
August 10th, 2010 at 12:20 am
Enjoy your week of peace with BB.
August 10th, 2010 at 11:06 am
Thanks I will Lx
August 10th, 2010 at 9:10 am
That’s a shame, I just don’t get why they need to make everything some kind of issue. It really does feel like your ex and his wife expect you to do as they demand without any respect for you and what you maybe doing at the time and even they kids when they are with you guys. Well done for keeping your cool. On a slightly different note, since things wrt maintenance etc are heating up do you have a feature on your phone that records phone calls? I was thinking if you have that feature (my bf has it and it really annoys me but its useful for him to remember what people have asked him to do at work!) maybe that is something you need to use for some of the phone calls your ex makes to you? Just a thought is all… Glad you had a great holiday though, and enjoy the week! x
August 10th, 2010 at 11:05 am
That is a great idea – can you have it as an app do you know? I will look in to that. Lx
August 10th, 2010 at 1:54 pm
I don’t know so much about the iphone apps as I own a very ancient phone – but I had a look online anyway. Its not looking so hopeful and there maybe problems with the legality – i.e. you may not be able to use the recordings in legal proceedings (i.e. making them available to a third party) if the person you are recording does not know they are being recorded. But you could just inform him when he does call for “one of those chats” that he is being recorded, alternatively you could email/write to him and tell him that every call from now on will be recorded – as far as I can see that is what consitutes “reasonable” attempts to inform the caller that they are being recorded. However it could make things worse?
There do not seem to be many apps available for this purpose (particularly for phones that aren’t jailbroken- as I suspect yours isn’t). However, google voice (http://www.google.com/mobile/voice/) may work for your phone. Many of the iPhone apps that do work, such as Recorder, do it through a 3rd party service which requires you to pay something and I believe many of them only work in the US and Canada. Hindsight is another app that could work. Also if you do want to do this even if you can’t find an app – you could try something like this: http://www.radioshack.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2141764
It has also been suggested that during the phone call you can add another person to the call and then dial your number into it, then it would go straight to voicemail and record the call, but I don’t know if this would work so you could try it with someone else first of all.
I don’t know why apple make it so difficult for developers to make an app for this purpose since pretty much every other brand of smart phone for the last few years has this capablility.
August 10th, 2010 at 4:34 pm
Thanks for bothering to take the time to look into it – I will do the same, but to be honest I’m uncomfortable with the concept – it somehow takes it all up a notch which I don’t want to have to do (although perhaps I’m being naive). I know that BB’s ex has recorded some of his conversations to use god knows when…..Lx
August 10th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
Its ok, it was just a thought is all (didn#t realise the legal stuff til I started looking into it more…). Btw BBs ex can’t use the recordings legally if he didn’t know they were being recorded at the time – so there would have to be some form of written notification or her telling him on the recording that he is being recorded and him consenting.
August 10th, 2010 at 9:03 pm
Thats a HUUUGE relief then Lx
August 10th, 2010 at 10:40 am
jeez lulu…so bloody hard going…can only wonder when he will frigging well lighten up…as for her, so peripheral and clearly threatened by you. sigh. wish and hope that this will get easier for you. so horrid. and for the kids. lots love always xxx j
August 10th, 2010 at 10:00 pm
My God I cant believe it what is the matter with them I like you thought that new start would be the attitude when they got back I agree with all the above comments. Quite frankly tho I would be bloody seething its a wonder you dont have ulcers. Perhaps a punch bag put up in your garden shed might help to relieve the tension. Download a couple of pics to stick on !!!!! Meditation might be the next step enjoy your week x
August 10th, 2010 at 11:32 pm
Funnily enough I nearly bought a punch bag for the garden shed last week – my youngest son wanted one…..but I would have used it more!! Lx