I would SO love to know the answer to that question – it has tortured me for years, although I’m quite sure there is no simple theory.
According to Peadar De Burca the answer is simple -”it’s because they can”.
Because. They. Can.
He’s got a point. I know men who shag about “because they can”. They love their wives (they say, but I’m afraid I would dispute that), but seem to need the added thrill or challenge or something – or maybe it’s literally because they know they can get away with it – like being given free reign in a sweet shop.
De Burca thinks women let men get away with having affairs because they are too scared and too vulnerable to believe they can cope outside the marriage on their own; “sadly, my conclusion has been that, all too often women simply won’t challenge their cheating men”, “or their self-esteem has been so battered by their husband’s behaviour that these talented, attractive and intelligent women convince themselves that they have too much to lose if they walk away or show him the door”.
I can relate to that. I lost all confidence. Was convinced I would never survive on my own, let alone make another life for myself. Stepping off the traditional path into the unknown and losing all the familiar comforts of life is unbelievably hard. Many decide not to do it and I don’t blame them for that.
I desperately needed to know why and over time many theories were formulated, but I’m not sure if they were just excuses for his behaviour. I don’t actually think he really knew himself what he was doing at the time. When you’re involved with somebody else, everything around you naturally changes – you create your bubble by deliberately worsening your relationship in order to invigorate and justify the affair. Everything I said and did was wrong. It spiralled downward pretty fast then.
Anyway, any thoughts on the matter gratefully received….
August 6th, 2010 at 12:38 pm
Found this interesting at a time when I was wondering what to do.http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/article789090.ece
August 6th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
That is a really interesting article – harsh but no doubt lots of truths there….Lx
August 6th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
LOVED THAT ARTICLE. why do women allow themselves to be used? why do men cheat and why do we let them. shit i wish i knew. right now i am full of rage and want to tell him to f** off!!!
August 7th, 2010 at 11:11 am
WHY are you full of rage?? What has he done? Lx
August 6th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
Exactly!
Because.They.Can.
But can they? I am not too sure of that any more. My generation (okay, I was born in 1953, and …!) was basically one where if a girl worked, she gave it up upon marrying and became the ‘homemaker’. Many of us where not trained in anything in particular, so in the case of divorce, you were out on the street as it were. Who wants a 50+ with few qualifications? I was lucky as I had qualifications and although most of my married life was devoted to bringing up the children, I must admit that when I threw my husband out 10 years ago, I was s**t scared. Suddenly you are alone in every sense of the word – the worst was having to deal with ‘things’ that I had always taken for granted he did and now I had everything to do myself. So one either sinks (not an option with children) or you get out there fighting …
Now I think things have changed – women are working and earning good(ish) salaries, they are not dependant 100% on their husband financially and therefore if the whole thing goes pear-shaped they are perhaps slightly better armed than we were. Divorce is still one of the most terrible things people go through, but at least a certain amount of financial independence helps.
My X sailed off into the sunset, promising me all I asked for just so I wouldn’t pester him – six months later he wrote to me asking to take him back. Too late, chum, the phoenix had risen from her ashes and found that she was more than capable of taking on the world.
Didn’t read the article in the Times as I will not pay for news online!
August 6th, 2010 at 4:23 pm
Given the numbers of men versus women cheating, there has to be a deeper reason than “because they can”.
It’s interesting that when men are bored within the marriage, they sleep with other women. When women are bored within a marriage they do things like take up pottery, cut their hair, travel a bit and even suggest marriage guidance. Very interesting that the two are so different.
(I realise I’m generalising here.)
It’s the unilateral decision to change things up a bit that would really piss me off. It’s OK to be bored in a marriage, but don’t go off and have an affair to mend it; talk to the spouse and fix it together. When one spouse has an affair, they’re giving the other spouse no chance whatsoever to save the marriage.
August 7th, 2010 at 11:09 am
I agree – that was a huge problem for me – that when our marriage was already rocky he decided to go elsewhere instead of communicate with me – how he expected to pull it all back after that I’ll never know. Although he did once say that most other people in this situation look at it as a chance to reassess their lives and take stock. Lx
August 6th, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Yeah I once asdked the bf why he used to like sleeping around so much (hopefully its stayed in the past)… the response actually was “because I can” and that is a response I get to various other random things that he does. I get his philosophy but that’s not to say I wouldn’t throw him out on his heel, fill his car with diesel instead of petrol and destroy all his computer hard drives (which contain his enitre life practically) if I ever got a whiff of him doing anything he shouldn’t with another woman..
August 6th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Very interesting article. I was a man’s ‘bit’ for a while. This all stuck home really. Why did I do it (I was married too) : for the attention, to feel wanted, to feel needed *sigh*. I’ve learnt the way to deal with those needs (in marriage2) is to tell hubby what I want and how I feel.
Why do men cheat? I’m convinced it’s because they can.
I listened to 2 men at work once having a heated discussion. One said if a man knew there was no way he would get caught all men would chet if it was offered on a plate to them. The other man said there was no way he would cheat – even if he wouldn’t get caught – even if it was easy sex, he just wouldn’t do it. Man1 refused to believe man2. I guess all men are different.
Like my own cheating though I guess much of it does have to do with the way the cheater feels about themselves and what’s going on inside and has very little to do with the illicit other. They are just a tool in it all.
August 7th, 2010 at 11:06 am
All men are different, true, but do you think the difference is anything to do with the feelings they have for their respective partners? I can’t believe that if you truly love and respect your partner you would EVER risk the chance of hurting them Lx
August 6th, 2010 at 9:55 pm
Im not even sure its the unfaithfulness that is my concern…because l feel when they have left in their mind they have left and its done….
I feel more betrayed in fact that my husband told the kids before he told me and expected them to keep it secret for a week, than if (and expect he had already been unfaithful a few times at least due to the evidence l found….in intent even if the deed was completed or not)….that he conspired with a solicitor for some months…
and now doesnt speak to me…even though l stood by him through stuff others would not have even considered…more fool me l guess..
when theyve left in their head its done….
and no it all adds up to the same…pain…disbelief…..and fear!
….great post Lu!!
August 7th, 2010 at 12:52 am
You mustn’t be fearful. It’s understandable, but not acceptable. You have been treated badly and deserve better. I am sure that very soon you will begin to feel stronger. That is really bad that he told the kids before you knew what was going on….Lx
August 6th, 2010 at 10:04 pm
When my husband confessed his affair with our childrens nanny (at the time aged 1 & 3 last year) my world fell apart. I am still in pieces now and do not know what went so horribly wrong in our marriage to deserve that. He enjoyed having the attention & affection of someone else and was not enjoying the family life. – I never realised how much he didn’t like his life with me or the children.
We have separated but he still declares his love for me – he said at the time he loved me but was in love with her. I never suspected anything from either of them – I trusted them both implicitely. I lost all confidence in myself – sold our house, sold my horse & resigned from my job. Life has been turned upside down and still don’t feel I’m living on the same planet as everyone else as it just doesn’t make sense.
When you have the answers, please let me know !!!
S x
August 7th, 2010 at 12:48 am
SO the same for me. He had an affair with an older woman, declared he was in love with her, but then decided some time later he wanted me back ….. but we couldn’t get it back. He couldn’t persuade me that I was important enough, I thought it was just about the children. What a nightmare for you. Same. You feel so foolish that you trusted so implicitly and then your world goes mad. You won’t be living on the same planet as everybody else. You’re on my planet and it;s a little unsteady, but it’s OK. No answers, but bloody hell if we can get through this we can get through anything. Lx
August 7th, 2010 at 11:03 am
The children’s NANNY. How low can they go? Two people who you have to implicitly trust – it’s right up there with your best friend…..Anyway, from my experience (he announced he was in love with her too for a minute and then changed his mind) his affair is nothing to do with you. If he says he loves you then I’m quite sure he does. Your children are so young. Is there any way you can do some counselling together now and put it down to a mad period with an employee who clearly had no morals?? DO YOU STILL LOVE HIM is the only question you need to ask yourself and if you do and want him there for the rest of your life together then you can work it out. The affair was not about you. The affair was not about you…..I couldn’t get that bit – never managed it. Maybe you can. Lx
August 7th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
Hi Family Affairs,
I love you for sharing this.
I have a question for you though: you say the affair is not about the innocent party. I agree completely. You also say you couldn’t get that bit, never managed. My question is – would it have made a difference?
In that way, I believe for many of us when we tell another person “I love you”, that also is not about them (necessarily) but perhaps more a reflection of our state of mind at the time (we feel relaxed, peaceful, loving) and that state may or may not have been induced by the person we are telling we love.
I’m feeling more and more, although I know without question another person’s behaviour is their own drama (not mine), it doesn’t change that facts and I question “why am I still with a person whose behaviour doesn’t match more closely with my values”?
So even if you could get that bit (that the affair is not about you), would it have changed anything for you?
August 7th, 2010 at 3:23 pm
Good question and I thought about that as I wrote it. Of course, in counselling we went through all that – I came to terms with that concept for a minute – that it was not about me it was all about him but then I got angry because I didn’t think it was fair to be so selfish and also decided I didn’t like him anymore for doing what he’d done. So no, in my case, taking the blame away from me for a minute didn’t work and it wouldn’t have changed the outcome I don’t think. I had to believe that we had a happy future together and neither he nor I could convince me of that. Lx
August 7th, 2010 at 6:06 pm
My friend’s husband had an affair when he told her he rang the ‘other woman’ with wife in the room and told her that his wife was the person he loved, not her, and he would never see her again. I think that would help me get through it. It sort of resealed his and her bubble again. Like they are the couple and she was out. I don’t pretend it was easy for my friend though, she initially stayed with him for the children alone but they worked through it. She is a stronger person than I could be, letting go of hurt is very hard.
August 7th, 2010 at 6:52 pm
Yes that would have helped hugely – making them the couple. My ex refused to do that – said he loved her and when came back to me I didn’t feel convinced at all….Lx
August 7th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
I too am struggling with it all and am not sure that I like the person that hurt me so badly. I still love my husband and miss him, but we have been living apart for months now and it took him months to get over her – the Other woman !!! It is incredibly sad and am not sure why or how anyone would risk the upset that an affair causes. My children do not understand why we have moved house and daddy does not live with us anymore ….. I’m also sure that my duaghter (only 4) blames me for the upset. I have tried to spend more fun & quality time with the kids to make up for all the upset, but it will never compete against a happy family unit. I miss my husband and so do the kids. Could I live with him again ?? I too think it would feel forced & fake – Very very sad for me, him, our kids & all family members – no one expected this and dealing with the situation is unbearable …… time (I hope) will give us the answers as we are all free falling until the answers are found, but i suspect they are not easy to be found …..
S x
August 7th, 2010 at 11:36 pm
I’m so sorry. I so know how you feel. Same for me. A total breakdown over a long period that couldn’t be avoided at the time – however, i did have moments when i wondered whether I could have salvaged our marriage and moved on…..accepted some responsibility for his actions and dealt with it together – problem was that I wasn’t prepared to accept much of the responsibilityl! Couldn’t understand his behaviour in the slightest to be honest and in the process he became a stranger to me – my best friend…..Lx