My divorced friend told me on New Year’s Eve that she’d just had wonderfully wild passionate sex with a virtual stranger before arriving at the party. She could barely speak.
I stared at her in open mouthed wonderment as she described how this virtual stranger had arrived unannounced, chatted in the kitchen for five minutes, picked her up in his arms, carried her to the sitting room and made mad passionate love to her there and then on her sofa flinging cushions asunder and then went on his way.
HOW does that sort of thing happen? Where do men like that come from? Or is it her that gives off all the right vibes and pheremones? She too has three children. Where were they? How did he manage to pick the one moment in a million that they weren’t about?
Sadly, that scenario would never have happened to me:-
1. Because I don’t know anybody who would dare do that or that I know well enough or fancy enough to go with it.
2. Because it simply wouldn’t work. I’d find all sorts of things wrong. When he picked me up I’d say “what are you doing? Put me down! I’ll drop my champagne/tea/biscuits and anyway, I’m WAY too heavy for you to carry you’ll break your back!”
3. If he managed to get past that hurdle he’d definitely be thwarted by the journey to the sitting room which would be a minefield of shoes, boxes, general detritus to fall over. I’d be busy doing my health and safety speech about minding controllers, plates, sweet wrappers etc. The sofa would be covered in rubbish at the very best and anywhere between three to eight children at the very worst.
4. THEN if there really were no children hiding behind the sofa and we hadn’t broken our necks/backs/will en route I’d spend the next few moments saying that I couldn’t possibly do anything in the sitting room because my children might come in at any time and anyway I needed a shower, had to wax my bits, paint my toenails, change my clothes, clean my teeth and anyway what about condoms and then if he had any I’d be all indignant and ask why he had them about his person and had he planned the attack and did he think I was like that and and and so on until the poor man had completely lost interest and gone and knocked on somebody else’s door.
5. In addition I’d have been wearing tights with boots and that is never a good look if you haven’t got time to remove any of the items of clothing now is it?
Good grief. Just thinking about it exhausts/horrifies me.
January 3rd, 2010 at 12:07 pm
What a good idea. So what I need is to profile divorced women with three children, who are alone and weigh less than ten stone (so that I can pick them up).
Is there a website where I can carry out this search? If not let’s start one: http://www.flingthosepillows.com or http://www.mindthecasserole.com etc…
January 3rd, 2010 at 1:07 pm
It’s the sort of thing fantasies are made of but that in reality are just a bit too awkward and uncomfortable to really be enjoyed.
January 3rd, 2010 at 2:33 pm
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
January 3rd, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Well? If you are going to take that sort of attitude….. PMA, positive mental attitude!
Still you do seen to concisely sum up the problems we general optimists and dreamers face in the real world!!!
January 3rd, 2010 at 6:05 pm
That was so funny, we can only dream…
January 3rd, 2010 at 8:42 pm
um…..er ……l think I need more detail before I can judge whether it would work for me……
yes it would work for me!!! more detail please…!! I don’t think l’ve ever stopped day dreaming this kinda thing….oh should l have said that in a public domain…wtf..heck yes…doesnt everyone daydream…
BIG SIGH!!!!
effing brilliant post lu
January 3rd, 2010 at 8:43 pm
just a thought….I’ve started to wear big knickers…big pink statin ones, but still BIG…should l be concerned about this???
LOL..l cant stop laughing now….
January 3rd, 2010 at 8:44 pm
ughhh..that should have read satin…..can you please edit????ughhh
January 3rd, 2010 at 11:07 pm
I have revised your spelling mistake and replaced “stain” with “satin” but that was hilarious – what a brilliant moment to have a typo Lxx
January 4th, 2010 at 11:23 am
With a virtual stranger? Er… no thanks!
Funny post though.
January 4th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
I know. I’d be the same Lx
January 4th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Reality is always a bit more awkward and less romantic. Can but dream though!
January 4th, 2010 at 10:38 pm
Oh thank you for really making me giggle….sex is on my mind a lot…as in I don’t think it’s ever going to happen for all of the above reasons plus YES where did he come from? Can you please tell your friend to send any waifs and strays to me in future! Although could they let me know when they’re coming so that I can be prepared…very prepared.
January 4th, 2010 at 10:54 pm
I will ask her for you….Lx
January 5th, 2010 at 4:10 am
Ugh – I just don’t believe it. Are you sure she isn’t a bit needy and making it all up?
January 5th, 2010 at 8:23 am
No. All true I’m sure….Lx