I feel like the Grinch of Christmas right now. It doesn’t feel “A Lot Like Christmas”….it doesn’t even feel a bit like Christmas, it feels more like “A Shit Load Of Stress and Hassle”. I don’t recall actually ever feeling so un-Christmassy before. Isn’t it still too early to be putting up decorations or is it just me? Perhaps it’s because my children are older so the magic has slightly disappeared and I know I’ll have to wake them up on Christmas morning because they’ll be hungover and then they’ll all have a laugh about how shit my Christmas stockings are….Sigh. I can’t face the crowds or the thought of wrapping up presents and honestly the thought of having to hit Westfields any time soon is making me want to curl up into a foetal position and refuse to move. I can’t even face the thought of having to crawl into my loft space and dig out my sad, dusty Christmas decorations. It feels like only a nano-second ago that I was packing them all back into boxes and now I’ve got to start getting them out all over again. The papers are already full of what to eat and what to wear and I really CBA to deal with any of it.
This is a worry.
I’ve been trying to ignore the papers of late as all the opinion pieces are simply confusing and today, with the very sad news of AA Gill’s death, they’re even more depressing than ever.
I’ve been practicing my newly taught “Mindfulness” of late, which frankly isn’t helping my Christmas mindset, because remaining firmly in the present means that I’m not thinking about actual presents. Trying not think too hard about the future means that I haven’t actually started planning, let alone putting into force any actions (presents) for the next two weeks. Instead I’ve been trying to breathe and think about fluffy clouds and I’ve been getting quite good at sending thoughts away from my brain that are causing me to STRESS OUT. Like buying presents. Mindfulness is the “awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgementally”. This is all very well, but it’s not that helpful to send away all thoughts of wrapping paper and stockings presents at this moment in time is it?
I’m finding it quite hard to be jolly about my single situation – usually I’m quite excited at the prospect of choosing myself a present instead of buying a great big present for my significant other, but this year that doesn’t feel right. My Christmas gathering has been even further eroded than usual and additionally my children are spending Christmas with their father and his new family so it is just my mother who is coming to me. We were going to offer our services to Crisis, but given my mother’s difficulty with moving about thanks to her very bad back, we are not even going to be of any use to them. Thankfully, some friends have taken pity on us and we will be spending Christmas with them which means that I don’t have to cook anything other than a handful of contributions to take with us. Yippee.
I am not sure what it is going to take to inject the right sort of celebratory mood into my veins. Alcohol? That might help. Nothing feels very stable right now – least of all the ground I’m walking on, which is still a little wobbly thanks to my labyrinthitis which still hasn’t gone. I have now been given a very strange contraption to try and help clear whatever is blocking my ear and I have to blow balloons up with my nose three times a day, which is a ridiculous thing to do. Perhaps this can be my Christmas party trick.
So I’m going to have to give myself a severe talking to and simply get with the programme. No point in being a Grinch. Although I do like his thoughts on the Christmas shopping dilemma, so perhaps that will get me in the moooooooood:-