So we are half way through the month – how are you doing with your New Year’s Resolutions? My detox of Dry Ginuary is going exceedingly well. In fact I’m quite cheerful, despite the outcome of the government vote yesterday and I would highly recommend that you abandon your resolutions and drink alcohol, staying topped up till at least mid February, when we might have a clue what is going on.

In case you’ve been thinking about, I would steer well clear of trying to deal with any food related diets now that we have a Brexit related constitutional catastrophe on our hands because we are going to need all the strength we can get. I would even recommend taking up smoking or even recreational drugs at this stage.

Ignore anything that suggests it’s going to clean your body out and up because this is merely going to add more stress to your life. We are going to need ENERGY. Therefore we have to ensure we are eating enough chocolate and potatoes, drinking enough coffee and alcohol.

I actually read and vaguely considered some of the recipes that Gwyneth Paltrow suggested in The Sunday Times Magazine at the beginning of January, but now I simply cannot understand why they would actually put her on the front of the magazine and allow her ridiculous ideas to be suggested, given the state of our country.

Firstly, in the photo, she’s in bed, which whilst tempting, isn’t very helpful right now and clearly she’s not feeling THAT well if she can’t get up, get dressed, put on her DM’s, pick up a placard and head to Parliament. Next, she suggests that we merely need to reset our food button and implies that it’s just the really simple task of eliminating a few items; “alcohol, caffeine, dairy, gluten, nightshades (tomatoes, potatoes, aubergine, peppers), peanuts, processed food, sugars, red meat and soy”. WTF??? The only thing I can eliminate from that list is soy because it doesn’t currently feature in my diet, but if I was to remove everything else I wouldn’t have anything to eat or drink. She suggests replacing soy with “coconut aminos instead of tamarind, gluten-free pasta, sugar-free kimchi and so on” like we actually know what she’s talking about.

Then we are invited to start with the right supplies, including quinoa, watermelon radishes, chickpea miso paste, chickpea flour, kosher salt, Aleppo pepper (thankfully optional), frozen a├žai, cacao nibs and liquid stevia (not a stevia-based sweetener) – honestly she might as well be speaking another language. I have actually no idea what she is talking about and frankly nor do I want to.

THIS IS NOT HELPFUL. We don’t live on planet Gwyneth and I bet she isn’t even aware that we are dealing with a rather large national disaster.

I would suggest you abandon all efforts to improve your body and mind and start working out how to be more cheerful because we are going to have to strap ourselves in for the ride.

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