A sure sign that things are not great is when I start listening to classical music in the car. There is most definitely a level of melancholy in my world if the theme from Schindler’s List is more relevant than the theme from Grease (just the music, not the stories by the way). I am doing a lot of driving at the moment because my mother is in hospital and I’ve been visiting her every day. Apart from a few days when she was sent home, she’s been in hospital for over a month. She’s now been moved back to one nearer her home which adds another hour onto my journey. Poor thing, it’s never good when you have an operation that doesn’t go as well as hoped and therefore your progress seems to be moving at a very slow pace if at all. Fingers crossed it is just taking time to mend. That said she is extraordinarily upbeat and brave and she puts me to shame.
So she’s my main area of worry at the moment, but I’m a little concerned that after having my tonsil out everything has gone a little bit wrong. What if my tonsil contained my whole centre of fun and that’s why I’m feeling a bit flat? What if it’s my lack of tonsil that has changed my personality and made me start listening to classical music like a proper grown up? Do tonsil’s grow back? My friend told me they did the other day, but I’ve never heard that before. Is it true?
ALSO my children have all gone away on a sunny holiday with their father and his new family. FOR TWO WEEKS. Meanwhile the weather here is shit and I haven’t had a summer holiday. YES OK it was great to be in London when it was sunny, BUT NOT REALLY, I was mostly working and dying from overheating during the nights and it wasn’t really fun at all. I don’t get why people love it. Much better to fly off to somewhere sunny, where you can lie about near water with a book and a breeze and a cocktail, WHICH MY CHILDREN HAVE DONE BUT NOT ME. Maybe it’s a thing that if you only have one tonsil you can start behaving like a petulant, demanding child. How much bad behaviour can you blame on one tonsil? I might just test it and see.
ALSO my lack of tonsil has led me to question relationships at my age. WHAT IS THE POINT?? I know I appear to be SHOUTING. It’s my tonsil’s fault. Although to be fair I have always liked putting things in CAPITALS for no apparent reason and it no doubt goes some way to indicating that I am having a bit of a RANTY MOMENT and going A LITTLE BIT MAD. Seriously though. Why would anyone bother with having a partner at my age, unless you completely know what you want and then can actually find it. Do you want to simply not be alone? Well that’s easy then because you can pick anyone. If you are happy with your own company then is it just about doing things as a couple? Going to see things you wouldn’t go to on your own? If that’s the case, it might be cheaper to hire a guide, or go with a friend. Is it for sex? If so, again, cheaper to hire a gigolo? Actually, I’m joking, of course it’s not cheaper to hire a gigolo – but just download Tinder and you can have sex with anyone you want for free, or at least just for the cost of a few drinks. We are all only one app away from sexual gratification (and an STD) if that’s what you want? OR do you want someone around to look after you when you are feeling a bit shit and have just had your tonsil out? I agree. That’s the one. But how do you find someone who you like, who is interesting, funny, shares your moral code, has friends and no apparent prison record that is prepared to stop doing things they like to be with a petulant, demanding child? I agree. Impossible.
Hence, I will be on my own forever.
I’m going back to listen to some uplifting music by Bach – maybe Requium Mass in D minor will suit my mood, because none of you really need to read this. Although to be honest, my mood is better than I am suggesting via this blog post. If you need a reminder to be grateful for everything you’ve got then go and hang out in hospitals for days on end visiting people in hot, smelly wards. There are so many people in need of help and I’m complaining about my lack of tonsil. Also of late I have had a lot of friends having operations who are thankfully all on the mend and cancer free which is great and another thing to be hugely happy about.
Sorry. Pathetic. Will try harder. But I am mainly loving the word MELANCHOLY – we don’t use it much anymore do we? Far better than depressed, or a little bit sad, or out of sorts…..