A few weeks ago I went to a splendid sparkly young people party with Builder Bloke. Consequently I went for the little black WAY too tight dress for my age clothing option with WAY too young for my age leather jacket accessory. Ideally this required a quick face and body lift, but because of my time constraints (half an hour) I just had to invest in rather a lot of scaffolding in order to maintain internal organs/external skin in vaguely the right place.
After much advice I went for the “Spanx Pants” option. The least unattractive item of underwear I have frankly ever seen – and whilst I am not sure my internal organs will ever recover, they do work. They are basically the tightest garment you will ever wear. Apparently they do one’s for men now – “Manx” pants. Truly a hideous thought.
They take hours to get on and you are left with flesh oozing both top and bottom. Then I was fascinated with the unexpected gap which presumably allows you to have a wee when you’re out in order to avoid spending three hours in the loo trying to pull them down without imploding.
Anyway, I put my Spanx on. Then my dress. Then tried on a variety of tights to wear. If you recall, I promised to run a second half to the tights post I have done because I challenged my daughter to a tight-off, as it were. Her pictures were good. My pictures had to be better. Builder Bloke, for some strange reason was happy to take up the challenge of getting shots of my legs that were half decent. I wasn’t convinced, but frankly he was the only offer I had. It was all rather worrying because he went from David Bailey to Bob Carlos Clarke to a sleazy porn photographer in quick succession:- he made “Why don’t you just bend over a little bit more?” sort of alarming comments and then lay on the floor with my camera with an agility he certainly doesn’t show at any other time. It normally takes him three hours to bend down or kneel – instead he was hurling himself about the floor like Johnny Wilkinson.
Anyway. I’m warning you. They’re awful. What is more, they’re a bit rude. But I did promise. But they do at least show some pretty tights and how not to wear them! But thank you to www.tightsplease.co.uk anyway. Builder Bloke and my daughter loved them!
Builder Bloke Pose Number one in Charnos Bow Tights:-
My idea of pose in Henry Holland House tights – didn’t work either:-
and then the teeny weeny spotty tights that turned into stripes on my legs so don’t try wearing these unless you have stick legs (although apparently they are going to be THE big thing this season).:-
I wore a different pair to the party that also had a tummy support system so I was doubly bound around my middle. One of the young 21 year old’s complimented me on my flat stomach and then said “you really should have just said thank you – no need to tell me that you’re wearing two pairs of support tights and certainly no need to ask me what happens if you fart”…….
Well, I was curious. What happens if you fart in Spanx? Do you just let off a revolting smell when you remove them at the end of the evening? Does it create an air bubble that you surreptitiously have to slowly work out through the waistband? Or do you blow up like an astronaut and float off into the atmosphere.
Food for thought.
I decided not to give it a try.
Anyway, here are the only tights I was sent in their fashion tights range that were more for me – woolly ones with teeny flowers on. Even if the flowers did bloom unnervingly when stretched over my legs:-
For more of their range have a look here: http://www.tightsplease.co.uk/tights/inspiration/celebrity-fashion/
So there we are then. Thank you for sending them, we’ve had a lot of fun, but I think I need to stick to black opaque tights in the future. http://www.tightsplease.co.uk/tights/type/black-opaques/